There is Here

For so long I've been looking for something. If I were to put it in one word, I'd have to go with happiness. Sure happiness has many different variations, many different words. Joy. Bliss. Conected. Employeed. In Love. Wealthy. Bacon. Tomorrow. Effevesent.

I want to share today some insight I have learned about myself. It is my hope that you to can apply my learnings to you and your life. If you do not, that's fine as well, I'm filled to the brim with gratitude that you've taken then time to read my words. That is the best gift you could give me.

It was my birthday recently. A milestone, one that I was both dreading and loving. I turned forty. On the one hand I know to the core of my being that my forties are going to be a magical decade. I am going to surrender more fully to who I am and why I am kicking around on planet Earth.

But mostly I dreaded turning forty, because I had such judgment of where I was in life. What I had accomplished. What I had made of myself. Or more precisely, what I had not made of myself. I had such judgment on myself, my life had not turned out the way I had planned. The few plans I had didn't look like the life I had.

I was going to be doing grand things by now. Big important things! I felt small weak somehow less then. I looked deep inside of myself and didn't like what the viewfinder was showing me. I felt a failure. Flopping around life, barely making the ends meet. I wasn't where I wanted to be, I wanted to be there. I'm not sure what there looked like, but I was sure I wasn't there. When I got there then I would be good enough, then I would be able to truly love myself.

Where is there? That was the question that kept popping up on my wind screen. Where and what is this mythical place that I had to arrived at to Love myself. I've found out where there is, I've made the choice where there is.

Here.

Right here and now. Full of disappointments and wanting other things I've decide that I can enjoy right here and now. Not to say I don't want to change a few things, but it's time to start reveling all that is me. Why not? The folks I talk to agree that I am lovable and more than enough right here and now. So if I can't believe myself, I'm going on the faith of friends.

It feels good to finally be there, I mean here. Well wherever the fuck I am it feels great.

Love Light and Laughs
BS

Waka Waka!

I found myself walking in an enormous field in the mountains of Malibu, aware that I was surrounded by fellow hikers, yet feeling disconnected in the silence. Then in a flash of recognition, I was connected again, hearing the song of the Universe gently serenading me. Heat stroke? Sure, I could chalk it up to that, but I'd be lying. A voice telling me I am on the exact perfect path, if I turned off that path, I may not be as filled with joy, but it would be the exact right path once again.

Driving up the PCH to Point Mugu State Park for SpiritWalk, a benefit fundraising hike for Wizard School, I was in the weeds. Feeling isolated and judging, bouncing from one thought to the next, I set a few intentions and chose to open my heart up to the experience. Friendly faces greeting me, I was ready for a hike. Connecting in with classmates and fellow hikers, I was feeling footloose and fancy free.

After a nice stroll through the Malibu scenery chatting with friends, I came upon a beautiful trigger, an old story I was ready to release. The hike brought a new level of understanding to this dynamic, but no closure. Closure will come when I am ready, when all the lessons I need to explore are exorcised. What Sunday brought was a deeper knowing that they are my lessons alone, that the dynamic was solely in my lap. Judgments and Self Righteousness do nothing to further my growth, my understanding of me and my life. It was a funny gift, and God has a wicked sense of humor, of that I am grateful.

This understanding lead me to this magical field, where the silence gave me such a knowing that I do have all of the answers to my questions. Some big picture stuff, yet it is only fear that keeps me from truly owning the knowing. With tears of Gratitude in my eyes, I began to climb, to kick up my heart rate while the Pacific came into focus. This brilliant blue well inviting me to connect, to release and to renew. Which is what I did, sitting down with my notebook, connected, the words, not truly mine, flowing from my pen, I was awash in gratitude, in a profound understanding of the the perfection of this moment. A knowing that future moments would be as perfect, if only I would breathe deeply and check in to the silence. Something I knew I would and would not do.

Thank you to all of my very generous friends. Some of you donated to my school, all of you donated to me. For that I am so very thankful, it means the world to me. Wizard School is not for everyone, the magic they teach hogwash to some, but friendship means everything to me. And your donations are yet another reminder that I am doing a few things oh so right this time around, for I have an amazing cadre of friends. Thank you!

SpiritWalk was a day filled with friends, fun and heaps of laughs. I had a great time, the icing on the cake of some comfort zone pushing fundraising. That is what I look forward to doing more and more each day, pushing my comfort zone. Facing fears, diving in and saying yes. Happy Five of May to you all. It certainly has a better ring to it when said in Spanish.

Thank you!
BS

PS: Please note that although there are photos of me out there sans my Fozzie suit, I did hike in my bear costume, as per the agreement signed with my generous donors. Waka Waka!

Aha!

Greetings from Shangri La -

I've been scuffing my feet on the floor, not writing to you all in the past few weeks. For that I apologize.

This has been a bit of a zany time for me, lots of learning, lots of avoiding, just lots..... At times I've literally been pulling the covers over my head and hiding out. And I've been okay with that. More and more I am trusting my process, trusting that I have where I am is where I am supposed to be. It came to me in one of those moments of crystal clear knowing - The Aha Moment.

I am not anyone else but me. Can't even begin to be someone else, so why not make strides to be good at who I am. I'm not sure who this person is, but I'm okay with that. In fact that is exactly part of who I am, someone who is not sure, who looks deeply. Aha!

In the past I'd been spending a great deal of time and energy beating myself up for not knowing exactly who I am. Exactly why I am here or what I want. Who's voice was it I began to wonder. Who was beating me up for not knowing, for not having it all figured out. And what was that voice doing to help figure it out.

The voice was clearly my own. What it was doing to help? Well it got me to the point where I didn't want to listen to it anymore. So I stopped. Aha! And when I take that pressure off, things just start to bubble inside. Aha!

I've spent my whole life trying to be somebody else. Maybe not somebody else, but a shiner version of me. I want to stop that. I am in the process of stopping that. Starting to love the journey, not waiting to get to some destination then let the loving begin.

Per usual I'm not making any sense today, but I can love that I've made another attempt at moving forward, taken some action and given myself another Aha opportunity.

Life is all Aha moments, is it not? I'd been waiting around til I had it all figured out, then it dawned on me. The day I have it all figured it out is more than likely the day I leave this planet. So why am I waiting around? Well I could give a heap of reasons, but let's just call it fear. I'm starting to really enjoy life in Aha mode. Steps big and small that make me go Aha, there's another key, there's another piece to the puzzle, there is something I didn't know and it is furthering me along the path.

It's been fun. It's been frustrating. It's been life. Beautiful magical life.

I'd not posted in a bit and then kept myself from posting this week because I wanted it to be deep, and meaningful, and shiny. Well this is none of the above. It's me, figuring things out. It's what BS started out as and will continue to be. The ramblings of a madman. Now a madman with more Aha's!

So posting today was an Aha! I'll call it a win even.

Love, Light, Laughs and Ahas,
B

Bitter Spiritualist Unplugged

My Faithful Legions!

Today I start five days of Wizard School. I felt inspired to share with you. I am excited to go deeper into the BS, find out more of who I am and release all that no longer serves me.

I am valiantly making attempts to not project any outcomes, to simply be and co-create with the Universe. I have set intentions, which are different from controlling some outcomes. I do know that I am a seeker, and today as simply as I can put it I am seeking happiness.

So wish me luck. Send me love and light. And have fun while I'm gone.

And so we all can celebrate our continued success. The BS is happy to report we are up to over $25 of earnings. Impressive. I will be making this a weekly report. It makes it real for me, and from what I am hearing to you, my faithful legions. I will be refraining from my shameless overtures to click on to my advertises and will be going about it in a new way. By being open to you all with how we are doing, and that is a promise I will keep. Even when the BS is making thousands of dollars a week, I will continue to share with you all. We are partners in this experiment after all.

Have some fun while I'm gone! Do things you love to do. Tell someone you love them. Do it for me if you can't muster up the strength to do it for you.

Love and Light to you all, I remain,
Bitter

Fuck You God - Maintenance Work

Dear God -

Fuck you. I hate you. Nice work. Proving to yourself that you are all powerful? That insecure are you? Well I am here and not going anywhere. I ache all over. I want to rip my heart out of my chest, it hurts too much. But I can take it, is this best you can do?

I cry out in pain and you let me struggle and strain and resist on my own. You abandon me?! Is that your way of saying I'm ready for the next level of healing? That I am strong enough now to go deeper, to explore more of why I am here and how I operate? Another reminder to let the ego go and get to my authentic self. Great. I guess I didn't get the memo and you needed to bash me over the head. Thanks.

Yeah yeah I hear you. I'll do the fucking work. The work I wasn't doing. Thanks for the getting me back to work. Happy? I love the salt you've thrown on to the wounds. It's perfect. A little spice is always nice. I've got some other ways you can hurt me, but you seem to be doing a great job without me, so I'll just get to work. Prick.

With love and a healthy dose of anger,
BS

It's not all sunshine and lollipops at the BS headquarters today. I suppose the note above to God may have clued you in to that. I know God has not abandon me, I know she's always with me. I'm just a wee be in upset, so I thought I'd let her know I'm on to her and her antics. (She continues to push my buttons, even as I write this she is smacking me in the chops. Spiteful bitch.)

It's been a sad scary past few days for me. And the old devices to mask the pain aren't working anymore. God knows I've been trying to salve the open wounds. I've tried a few beers; herbal remedies; manipulating folks to take away the pain; and none of those things are working anymore. It's just me here with a heart full of pain and a head full of venom. I want to take away the hurt and suck the poison from my thoughts.

Fuck me. It's time to roll up my sleeves and get to work.

Maintenance work. The nitty gritty nuts and bolts WORK that I know I need to do to heal these aches. It's time to open up my tool box and use some of the tools I have. Tools I've shared with you. Today is a day of great beauty through the pains. It's a day where I can take charge of my life and not blame, not someone else and not myself. Today is a day of opportunities. An opportunity to wake up from my nap and take charge. Prove to myself that I do have all that I need right here inside of me.

Fuck yeah it sucks in this moment. And I will more than likely have more days like this, days where I forget to use my tools, days where resistance gets the better of me. Days of autopilot numbness. I loathe the "Oh it's all so perfect, each moment is exactly what we need as we grow in the loving" types. It may be true, but life ain't easy all the time, so sell your Hallmark greetings somewhere else. This is Bitter Spiritualist Country, we learn by falling down and getting back up. They have their own path, from where I stand in my judgment, they can blow it out their ass. With love of course, always with love. Fuckheads. Yes today is a beautiful day, and yes today is a day I want to smack someone in the chin to share my pain.

So I encourage you, the BS faithful to use your tools and not wallow in misery and feeling sorry for yourself. Yes I've written it before - all the advice and genius words of wisdom here are true BS. Truly they are for me. I just like to share my thoughts and feelings with you all for some sick holier-than-thou narcissistic reason. And I'm not ready to look into that. I worry that once I do, I'll stop writing to you all and I know you all crave my brilliance too much for me to pull the rug out from under you. I'm not a spiteful god, I am a humble god.

I am signing off and taking the opportunity to open up my tool box. First thing is an anger letter, I'm going to write a note, get all these things out of me, on to some paper then burn the fucker. Send it back to where it came. If I'd done that before this post then I'd probably have written to you about puppies. (Puppies are cute and lovable! There I've written all that needs to be written about puppies.) So I've used my anger as fuel - Great job. Then I'm going to practice some more positive self talk to remind myself I am doing great things for myself. Maybe even write myself a permission slip and have some fun.

I am going to trust and move forward. I am going to use my tools. Hey I might even find some fun if I'm not too careful. Yes I highly recommend you look back at some of my old posts and see if anything resonates with you and your process - AND CLICK ON SOME OF MY ADVERTISERS SO I CAN CONTINUE TO RACK UP THE BUCKS. See even in my despair I am now hustling to create a richer fuller life. And a shameless plug or two never hurt anyone.

To you and your daily upkeep, I remain,
Bitter

Choices or Step Back and Let Me Kiss Myself

Greetings From The Asylum -

I'm at a loss today what to write about. I was going to opine about the brilliance of Gratitude in my life, then I checked and damned if I've not written ad nauseum about Gratitude. It's a good one, I'll grant you that, but I wanted to be fresh and original. So I'm going to write about choices, yes it's my choice to write about choices.

Every morning I wake up and I have a choice, a series of choices really, but the day starts with one. Am I going to surrender to the moment, look at the world through the eyes of love and be grateful for this day. Or am I not. Some days it's easier than others. Some days I wake up, my neck is sore, my bills aren't paid, the dog needs to go out, the apartment is a mess, nobody loves me, God is picking on me. Ahhh those days are grand, because it makes my choice that much easier. Am I going to chose to be in my head and out of my heart? Am I going to chose to be a miserable cunt or am I going to chose to be free to discover what each moment brings me?

More and more I am choosing to be in my heart, in my loving, in a place of wonder and surprise for the next moment. Not worried about the future or the past, simply focused on the here and now. I can hear you now, my loyal readers, saying it's easy for you but you don't know what I'm going through, how hard my life is. Okay maybe it's me trying to con me and now you guys.I hear you, sure I don't know what you are going through, nor do I know how hard your life is. Yet what I do know is that every moment is a choice. It's that simple, and that difficult.

Now you might be asking yourself by this point, what is this feller trying to say today. Well I'm not sure, and that's the point. I chose to get myself up and out and do a little writing today, and I thought I would start my writing by writing to you. You guys inspire me. I inspire me. So to finish off my little rambling this morning I'm going to share with you a tip someone gave me to quell the voices, a tip to make love the easier choice today and everyday.

Tell yourself you love yourself. Yes this comes easy to some, but it did not to me. As much as I ramble on here about how great I am, I've had this block about the simple act of telling myself I love me. It was work, but it was a job worth doing. Now when the voices of doubt, of fear, in whatever form they show up in start to murmur I simply stop and say "I love you Bitter" "Bitter I love you" And I repeat those words, sometimes even holding myself. "I love you Bitter" "Bitter I love you". Yes I know how foolish this seems, I know how self indulgently narcissistic it can appear, but why not. Why not remind myself that I am love and loved? Why not? Give me one good reason why not? Hey I can give you a hundred funny reasons not to, but not one good reason why I shouldn't.

And you know what? It's working. I find myself making more loving choices, more self honoring choices. And it's so simple, one you get over the comedic aspect of it and the "oh my god am I really that full of myself" aspect, it's easy.

So thanks for reading today, pointlessly pointed this morning. But I chose to write. And I chose to love myself. And those aren't bad choices to start the day. So give it a try. Tell yourself you love yourself. Do it often. And chose to be in the moment, chose to be who you are and love who you are. I know I love you, yes even you, you know, the really unlovable reader. Because you aren't really unlovable. Stop telling yourself that fable, and start telling yourself the truth. You are love and lovable.

I'm off (my rocker and this post).

Bitter I love you. I love you Bitter.

Love, Light, and Laughs
BS

I Surrender!!

Today I am surrendering. Not like some eclair eating Frenchman who cons himself into loving strudel. Nor am I pretending to have won, like the the French in Southeast Asia. Okay it was the US, fine you pinko commie loving bastard, but the French started that one. I digress before I even begin.

Today I surrender, I realized the battle I was fighting was not necessary. It's been a long drawn out campaign. There's been death and destruction. Noses bloodied. Feelings hurt. Tears shed. Remarkably with all this pain and suffering it's not made the evening news. This has been a covert operation, an insidious campaign to wreak havoc. Like most wars this was a foolish fight over a simple misunderstanding. I being the bigger man, the better man, am simply walking away from this fight. It's easy to surrender today to my brilliant opponent, because I am surrendering to myself. I am laying down my arms, arms that were used to terrorize myself, and wrapping those arms around myself. Make Love Not War!

The past month, okay the majority of my life, has been a constant internal battle. Beating myself up for what I've done and what I've not done. At the start of this weekend, a Wizard School weekend, I was ready to bring the battle out and start blaming others. A piece of me was going to head into class Friday night, call out my teachers for being uncaring unsupportive frauds then walk out in a blaze of glory. It would have been quite a show, but I used my Wizarding tools took in a deep breath and decided to take a look at who actually was was doing the terrorizing.

Yup it was me. Damn this personal responsibility. It would have been much more entertaining to tell my very loving teachers to go fuck themselves. I imagine it would not have been the first time they've heard it, but I can guarantee I would have taught them a few new words. So deep breath taken, I sat down for my first process Friday night filled with venom, filled with hate, for myself and for my school, the root of all of my woes. And an angel sat in front of me, loving me right where I was and offered me a wee piece of wisdom.

Give up the fight, and simply love myself.

Huh? Where's the drama? Where's the carnage? Where's the blood, sweat and tears? I don't need them? Huh indeed. The remainder of my weekend was filled with brilliant explorations, courageous learning and the opportunity to bask in the collective glow of some radiant beings.

My post last weekend still holds true, I am marching forward, armed with military metaphors. I'm just doing it with new motivation, a new look. When I meet the enemy within, lets call him resistance today, I am going to surrender to him and love him. I've done it in the past and it worked quite well. Then I choose to ignore what worked and go back to some small arms fire, poking hole after hole in me. I had bled myself dry, I was out of gas and not happy. Part of me went back to those old habits of self-terrorizing for two reasons, it's what I was accustomed to, and I couldn't truly believe that the more productive and constructive way was so easy. Life is supposed to be hard?

I may be seemingly making light or war and of terrorism, but I am not. I truly believe with all my heart, that the wars we fight within ourselves are very real and just as damaging as the external battles. Nor do I make light of the pains inside of each of us, we all have our own path, or own experiences. I'm just choosing the path of love, not war. If the leaders in this world looked inward to their own battles, maybe we'd have a lot less death and destruction in the world. Far be it for me to say that the war in Iraq is just an angry dry drunks' attempt to exorcise his own personal demons on a country. Again this is an experiment, like all of my posts, all of my words of, uhhmmm, wisdom. I didn't get much that I wanted to get done last month with my steely resolved and harsh words. Only a bloodied nose and a very bruised ego. So this month I am setting beautiful intentions and using my nice words. I deserve a cheerleader, and why not be one for myself. No uniform needed.

Why don't you try it with me? You my brilliant amazing powerful magical fans. Be your own cheerleader. My favorite from my high school days - and sitting on the bench you learn all of them - is: S-U-C-C-E-S-S! THIS IS HOW WE SPELL SUCCESS! Come on try it at home or in your office. Just give it a go, you don't even have to stand up and flail your arms. Just sit there and cheer yourself on. For whatever it is you need to cheer. We are all cheer worthy. We are all worthy of loving ourselves. No mater what! Yes no matter what. Whatever seemingly unlovable thing you've done or not done, you are worthy of your love. And a cheer.

As always I want to thank you all for your love. For your support. And for your cheers. Each and everyone of you has touched me. And that love, in all it's forms, has helped me to surrender. Surrender to myself and surrender to this perfect moment.

My struggle reminded me of a beautiful poem by the late great Shel Silverstein, so I thought I'd share it with you -

HUG O' WAR

I will not play at tug o' war
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses
And everyone grins
And everyone cuddles
And everyone wins.

Today is a win. A big win. I love you all. And want you to be a S-U-C-C-E-S-S. And remember success is only a feeling.

Thanks for reading.

Love, Light and Laughs,
BS