Monday, November 29, 2010

baby steps

The steps are tiny, baby steps I believe they call them, but they are steps forward. Sure a leap backwards from time to time, but I am moving forward.

I feel like I am crawling, clawing, valiant insignificant attempts to kick start my life. Give myself my dreams. Be the man I want to be, not just in words, but in actions. I am praying, praying right this very moment as I type, that God gives me the strength and courage to live my life. To do good work. To live with integrity in each and every moment. So many of my choices I have shamed, and that shame has kept me in the shadows for too long.

A spoiled obnoxious brat. Delusional. Living a fantasy in my head, avoiding my heart. Baby steps. Encouraging myself to move forward. The metaphor came to me fully, sitting on the highway when my car wouldn't go forward. I wasn't shifting, wasn't changing gears. She's in being repaired, and I look inward, and outward, to continue my journey. Fixing my gears.

At times I've found myself in the why me state. Broke. Not creating. A sad sod feeling sorry for myself. When I have so much to offer, so much inside that screams to be let out and shared. How can I feel sorry for myself? So I did and I am done, and now I take a tiny step forward. The view looks great from here, I think I'll take another step.

Yikes! It's a little scary - Is that a cliff? - Will I fall over the edge, alone in the desert, never to be heard from again? Does it matter, I've not been listening to my heart, so what is there to hear?

I'm not jumping. I'm not leaping. I'm just taking another little step forward. The edge is there, close, I can feel it. The wind on my face. The air tastes somehow cleaner the closer I come to the edge. If I'm not careful I may just find myself over the edge. And that is where I must go. No grand proclamations, just tiny little steps forward.

Tonight for a brief moment or two, I stepped forward. I may retreat once again. I may not. Either way it's perfect. Just like my super cool bracelet says "It's Perfect". (Thanks E!)

I feel it. I feel. I love. I write. I be. Most of all, I take a baby step forward. And for that I am grateful.

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