Monday, November 30, 2009


It's been an odd week here at the home offices in Santa Monica. I've been making valiant attempts to focus on gratitude. It was Thanksgiving after all. The Universe in all her wisdom has been showing me such amazing beauty everywhere I look. And I've not been willing to accept that beauty, to acknowledge the beauty around me, the beauty in you, yes my friends, the beauty in me. I have been ungrateful.

As per my usual bitter self, I'd been hiding out, feeling sorry for myself. Feeling overwhelmed with the world around me and it has sucked Buddha balls. I felt like a fraud. No the voice, the inner critic, had been telling me I am a fraud. Someone like me becoming spiritual? Becoming successful? Letting my guard down? I should be loathed, not loved. My misery is a special house blend, much more potent than yours. And that is not true, it's a fable I made up, something I decided long ago and have worked around that belief for many years. A smile, a giving up my dreams, talking a great game without playing. You can't see me - I'm a phony!

Then I nearly got run over in the crosswalk and gratitude washed over me, wiped my slate clean. I was pissed off. Happiness and gratitude through a jolt of anger....ahhhh Bitter!

I was walking to the store with my furry guest and as all good Los Angelenos do I waited for the little man in the box to tell me it was okay to cross the street. Common sense and logic knocked out of me with multiple jay walking tickets. We were out on the street and a gentlemen decided to slip in front of us. The fog I strolled in was suddenly lifted and I screamed, flipping him off, challenging him to a physical discussion. He wisely chose to drive on. The woman waiting at the light gave me a thumbs up and a brief chastising of the angel who helped me find gratitude. Thank you.

Gratitude is a choice I can make in each moment.

I am grateful to him, he got me in touch with some lurking anger and a chance to outwardly express that anger. He gave me the opportunity to flex a finger I'd shockingly not used in some time. He gave me a beautiful gift, the gift of answering back with his digit. Oh what a great time I had beating my chest and using my not so kid friendly words. As he backed down and drove away I was filled to the brim with gratitude. Not what I would have expected. First for the feeling it gave me, the release, the knowing that those voices and that violence is inside of me. He showed me the wisdom I have to acknowledge what is inside of me and wanting to exorcise it. The exhalation of apologizing to the woman who witnessed the event, and her telling me to go for it. And that moment, his driving away was a moment of gratitude, for the pounding of my chest may have led to a donnybrook out on the sidewalk, something I try to avoid now in my young years. A reaction from some hurt and not where I want to live. And secondly I am grateful for the knowing that I don't need a wayward driver to chose to live, I can do it for myself. So thank you my friend for nearly running me down and for wilting in the face of my challenge. You gave me a beautiful grand opportunity to practice what I tend to preach.

I find my lessons in the most unusual of places. Pissed off at the man in the VW and I find gratitude. I walked my gratitude walk. For one moment I was doing. And in walking that walk, focusing on gratitude, I actually became grateful. Before my brother died I was such an explorer of life, of art, of spirituality. Then it stopped. I became angry and ungrateful. Ungrateful for the cards I had been dealt, angry at God for the cards he dealt my clan, the cards he dealt my mom. I stopped living. I am not blaming him, I'm not blaming the terrorist. I'm not blaming anyone, not even me. It's been a great run. I've learned heaps about myself, mostly what I don't love and bucket loads about the world. Now I am ready to experience the world again, ready to feel again. It's time and I am supported. I am filled with gratitude in this moment. It's easy to do, and it's easy not to do. This moment I am choosing to be grateful.

I am so filled with gratitude for my life, this beautiful magical life and those sharing this ride with me. I am learning how to be alive, how to be happy and today is a great step in that direction. The years of hiding, being afraid, being shy or being huge to keep others at bay have made me, well, interesting. Yes crazy and angry may have been old descriptions of who I was, but as they say in Wizard School that's "In the Past." I am pushing my comfort level out, expanding, and finding out what makes me happy. And what scares the bejesus out of me and doing it anyway. I may scream and I may yell and I may take a nap, but I am pushing myself. Finding what makes me happy, finding where my passion lies.

I am going to love being happy and stop reveling in my misery. That old badge of honor fits me no more. I am a fountain of gratitude.

Sure I am going to have days of venom, days of FUCK, or maybe I won't. I just know that this is the year of finding out what makes me happy. So I invite you to come along for the ride. Or not. I am doing this for me and only me and not feeling like it's selfish. Those who love me will want me to be happy, those who don't, can get in the car with the fellow who nearly ran me down today. And I thank you all. For I am filled with gratitude.

Gratitude. It's a simple thing, a blessed action. An action that I am living with in this moment. An attitude that I hope to wake each morning with. And if I don't, if I wake two-stepping the self loathing angry-at-the-world dance that this bitter fellow has choreographed with such glee, then I eventually will work my process and find my gratitude. In truly focusing on gratitude, I am starting to embody gratitude. I am walking my walk and focusing on what I write about. The preacher is becoming the doer.

I am off to watch The Patriots beat The Saints. Unholy for sure, but I am grateful that my team is better than your team.

Love, Light and Laughs

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Happy Transformation Tuesday everybody!!

Greetings from the sick bed. Okay the sick couch technically. Quite a week here at the home office. Year Two of Wizard School is kicking my ass.

My thoughts are not really cohesive today. Slipping in and out of a nice sleepy state, interspersed with some chills. I'm either delirious or having visions of God. For that I am filled with gratitude. On this week of Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I am sick. I get to do little and take care of myself and be okay with it. So that is what I am doing today, instead of writing about gratitude, I am living gratitude. It feels good! Yes I will write of gratitude later, when Jesus and Buddha stop serving my tea. It just doesn't seem polite to type with them here.

Back to my visions...............BS.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Well today I was in my head most of the day. Then I had it, my beautiful story for today. I threw away all that I had worked on and was ready to write about the beautiful synchronicities in my life.

Well I showed up at the coffee shop this afternoon and couldn't log on. Boy did that send me into a tailspin. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe it's leaving the dog at home with a huge "Adopt Rescued Pets Here!" sign across the street. Perhaps this isn't the best place for me to be at peace and write. Or is it the Universe giving me an opportunity practice what I preach. Yup, that's what it is. I really don't give a fuck about the gal beside me and her plumber boyfriend. Either they buy the shit she's selling or they don't. I don't give a fuck. But I do care about you all, and my apologies for venting to you, but hey this is where I am right now. A bit pissed off that I'm here and I got upset about the the world around me. It all was triggered by not being able to get online here. Silly I know, but a great sign of where I am in my learning. I am being gentle with myself. Hey I am raw and I am learning, and there I said it, I'm not a fucking enlightened being. So where the fuck was I.....

Oh yeah, SYNCHRONICITY. It seems funny now what I was going to write about, so I will write about it to have a good laugh at myself. Well I'd tried a few times. SHUT THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!!!!!! Oh yeah I am at the coffee shop and not everyone is here for my amusement and I forgot my headphones at the house. Great. I have to listen to the teenagers talk High School gossip. Other days this would amuse me, but I am triggered right now and I am writing so Here we go.....

So I've written a funny little ditty about synchronicities, it was nice and neat and I just didn't like it. Ahhh heres a lesson, be gentle with myself, the voices are getting quieter, for the screaming in my head has lessened. And my dog is fine at home, he'd be crazy right now and I want to finish this post and get out of here. Oh my God, these girls are annoying, yes I've been triggered. Maybe have a good cry, maybe look through my yearbook and remember how grand high school was for me. I'm not sure, but synchronicities....

I was on the highway today coming from some work and contemplated how much I didn't want to write about stupid synchronicities. I was resistant I would say. I had some really really funny stuff about the Police and N'Sync. Genius really, but it just didn't speak to me. And if not speaking to me, how can I communicate to you? Well then it hit me. Boom! I was out of sync. Yes there is my N'Sync reference for the day and it tied in to The Police song and it was great. Well I had a sign from God. It said Boston. Where the BS is from and then on the radio came a story about the Russian Subway System, and a jester from Boston who was over there entertaining folks. And I realized I was taking myself way too seriously. A bit like now. Have a laugh she tells me, gently, her sweet beguiling voice talking to me. I am singing to myself now as I write, enjoying the stares from the High School girls and feeling a bit better. Well I got it, she is such a bitch I can't believe it. Oh yes, I am eavesdropping now on the high school gossip and the saleswoman and her stories of her plumber boyfriend. Synchronicities!

Sure these could be random acts to drive me crazy. Or they could be the beautiful voice of the Universe telling me to not take myself so fucking seriously. That's what I am going with. When is a coincidence not a coincidence? When I decide it is. It's my choice. I choose to live in a world where God talks directly to me, and her voice is often soft, sweet and annoying. She speaks in riddles, she speaks in synchronicities. Like this post for instance. I was planning to write more to you and then I got a call from Honeybee about writing on Tuesdays. Okay sure, I get it God I will write. And moments later my Sister sent me a note wondering when we were going to hear more from the BS. Ahh yes, what a coincidence......

Synchronicities. Like this one in front of me now. Three girls badmouthing everyone they know. A voice that I know well, granted my sounds a bit more macho, but a voice of negative self talk that lies inside of me telling me how much I suck. Well I am being gentle with myself this month, and being a cheerleader instead of a terrorist. A coincidence that this issue is in my face and I've three girls blabbing in my ear. Sure if I want it to be, but I am choosing to take it as God telling me to be gentle with myself. Stop yelling at yourself for not doing things and start doing things. An awareness that came to me this weekend, that yelling at myself, berating myself, just wasn't working for me.

So there it is. My journey today, my synchronistic journey that got me to this coffee shop, got me to write to you. What a treat. Sure I am still a bit in upset, but I am finished with writing and I feel good. I am going to leave here and coo softly in my ear that I am doing a great job. That I am exactly where I need to be. Pat myself on the back. Give myself (as my Dad used to say) and Atta Boy. And get the fuck out of this chaos, drop to my knees and Thank God that I am not in High School anymore.

PS: As I became clear as to why these gals were here, here for me - "randomly" - they left. Sure I am still in a bit of upset, but I am on my way out of here. To learn from this moment and move forward. Thank you God for your sweet voice, the sweet reminder that I need to be gentle with myself. That the voices in my head, the old voices, served their purpose at one point, and I need them no longer. Thank God!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

My Word Is My Law

"Hey I'll see you later."

"Yeah, sure, maybe."

"I'll be there in an hour."

"I can definitely help you with that."

"No I can't go, I'm home writing."

"I am going to post on my blog twice a week, no doubt about it."

"I am getting up at 7:00 and writing."

The fucking list is endless. Opportunities I've had to let myself down. Really show myself and the Universe how untrustworthy I was. I am a bullshitter, it's a gift I have, I know it and am so very grateful for it. I love to make people laugh with my humor and my imagination. That is different than making a commitment to myself or to somebody else and breaking it. It chips away at my soul.

When I say something, give it energy and put it out to the world, it is my law. My word is my law! It is all the contract I will ever need to know that something will be done. It starts with this little post today. I was sitting here at the coffee shop doing some of my homework and I realized I owed myself, and you, a second post this week. "Well I have a lot of homework I've yet to do. And I'm tired. And blah, blah, fucking, blah." Enough excuses! It's time to start keeping my word to myself and to those around me.

In the past I've had an easier time keeping my word to others. I'd like to think of myself as a dependable reliable friend. Sure I'd lie when it made a situation easier. "Yeah, sure, I wouldn't miss your cat's birthday party in Pasadena for the world!" Well no more! I say it, to me or to someone else and I will do it. Or I won't commit to it.

Being wish washy is my ego wanting something. Wanting to be seen as perfect in someones eyes. Wanting to be a better man in my own eyes. Wanting to be an enlightened soul, walking the earth with my head above the fray. Not living, lying. Well the lies stop today. Somedays I do like to sleep late! There I said it. Fuck it. With love of course. Being gentle with myself is alien to me. In the past breaking my word has been a great way to beat myself up. I'm done. I am who I am, and with courage and discipline I am becoming the man I want to be. Who that is? I'm not sure. It starts with small steps, doing the best I can in each moment.

So I will be posting twice a week! No I am posting twice a week. Once I hit publish I've kept my word and keeping my word is my new law. It feels good.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Greetings from the asylum. No not that kind of committed, today starts the next chapter in Bitter Spiritualist. Today I begin my journey of becoming a professional writer. I am a warrior poet spinning yarns and sharing a laugh. You are part of my Wizard School project! I am committing to writing a minimum of two posts each week. I have other writing projects I will be working on, but I will no longer neglect you, my loyal fans.

And there's a new wrinkle here at the home office. We are starting a new partnership. Each and every Tuesday, like this one, my post topic will not only be explored with my genius and wit, but it will get an ooey gooey Pollyanna treatment from Honeybee on her site, Tuesday's with the B's (Okay we need a better title). Two perspectives on the same subject, two journeys with distinctly different styles. A duet with different lyrics sung from different rooms. It could sound beautiful, it could be nails on the chalkboard. I don't know what it's going to be, where it is going to take us, but I know I am supposed to do it.

Honeybee and I have had quite a history together, and we will have some kind of future together. And it starts here. Some of you know my story of our history and may be surprised by this partnership. Fuck I am, I assumed the next time we worked together would involve a shovel and some duct tape, and that she wouldn't be much help at the task. I am trusting Spirit on this one and seeing what happens, see where this project and where I go. It's one part of the adventure and I am excited about it. I do know that I love her. And I love you. And I love to write.

We will be working independent of each other and seeing what comes up. I must admit that today i did read her first post before I wrote this one, and it's a great lesson on not doing that ever again. I can feel myself editing content in my head, fitting my content to match hers, and that's no fun.

It's a partnership, not a competition, but please be warned. If you want laughs, lessons, heartfelt sharing of a brilliant journey, know that I will be with you on this new path. If you like rainbows, lollipops and rose colored glasses, you'll love Honeybee and her brand of saccharin spirituality. I mean come on, her name is Honeybee - that's her name, not one I created. She's showed up in a few of my posts as The Lawyer, but I will call her Honeybee here as I call her something else in the world. And it doesn't rhymes with itch.

I am filled with gratitude to you my audience for your support. While on hiatus I received so many words of support and encouragement. Words I had trouble really taking in, I was feeling like a fraud. I still do a bit, but now at least I'm a working fraud.

I'll be back later in the week and then Transformation Tuesdays get rolling next week with our first topic, Synchronicity. Synchronicity is what got me to agree to work with those hippies over at and I will write about it for next week.

Love, Light and Laughs