Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Jolly Tuesday To You


Been a busy week here at the home office. Two pieces of news to report before the rain comes, so I'll make it quick.

First I had a brilliant learning opportunity on Thursday. Yes my streak of not getting high came to an abrupt end. I had a weak moment on Wednesday and texted my connection. He said he'd be around later. Well I did some great things, reached out to a friend and didn't get high on Wednesday. I even wrote to you all about being strong, and about not getting high and about how I wasn't going to con you, or myself. It was beautiful, heartfelt and I truly meant every word of it. The white knuckle part was over and I was on the other side. I went to bed, happy with myself.

Then Thursday afternoon rolled around and my connection contacted me again, a series of miscommunications. Him not understanding I didn't want anything, and a text glitch. I literally got six text from him telling me he was around. It was a sign I said and I went out and scored a little hooch. And I smoked it and initially I liked it, then I hated it. I hated that it clouded over my heart and mind. But I didn't beat myself up, and that is a huge step. And I am not hiding out from you all. Sure I did while I was high, but as I told you, I am not here to paint a picture of how cool I am, or how strong I am, but rather a portrait of a formerly Bitter angry man on the road to Sweet happy days. And fuck yeah I am going to take a step back every now and then, and a step forward while taking a step back. I am learning and practicing, never promised myself anything else. I can't believe how good I feel today, I Work My Process and am out here at my coffee shop sharing with you all.

And I am smoke free once again. See I justified cigarettes with the drugs. In for a penny, in for a pound. In the past this choice would last for months, years. It was one day, one choice. I'd be kicking back smoking everything I could get my hands on. No more. If I go against my intentions for a day, so be it, but that doesn't give me permission to give up on them, or myself. I am in this for the long haul. Fuck yeah I'm worth it, and this journey is worth it. I'm chalking it down as a great learning experience. I've learned what doesn't work; I've learned what does work; I learned that just because I made a choice I didn't love, doesn't mean I have to hate myself; I learned what I must focus on and what I must not focus on; I've learned come a fucking long way; I've learned I don't have to go it alone;. Heaps and heaps of brilliant things. Sure I'd rather have learned them and not used drugs, but I did. So be it, I'm done judging myself, I'm moving on from that inch by inch, step by step, day by day.

Speaking of journeys, I have a new partner to share this amazing ride with. He's sitting at my feet now, a little pissed that he can't go say hello to everyone here. Jolly has finally arrived from Boston. We are doing great. It's a learning process for both of us. I am so grateful to have him in my life, it's going to be fun, a challenge and an adventure. It's a big step for me, for years I wanted a dog, but felt unable to take care of myself, let alone a furry friend. At some point it dawned on me I was ready, a few trial runs later and Jolly showed up on my door - well I brought him to my door.

The rain has come and we are outside. No dogs allowed. I don't like to write to you guys inside anyway. I'm off to do some writing at home, out of the rain, the greatest dog in the whole wide world by my side (or wherever he wants) and a knowing that today is a Jolly Tuesday. I wish a Jolly one to you.

Love, Light and Laughs,

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Happy Steps!

Good Morning People. Dare I say great morning, sure why not. Great Morning People.

First I want to thank you all for your Love and support. Today is day 16 (not that I'm counting) of my drug free Second Year experiment. I've had three cigarettes in those 16 days. I can't remember ever being so clear headed, focused, feeling good and happy to be feeling good. Not too shabby Bitter! Thank you, I could do it without you all, but you guys make it easier and heaps more fun.

Another weekend at Wizard School, another step closer to getting my wand. This is real Wizard School, not Harry Potter make believe wizarding. I mean come on, who gives out magic wands to students not ready for them? That's just silly, unbelievable even. If I got my magic wand a year ago, I would have quit school, waved up a pile of blow and a cadre of hookers. Problems solved! (Or at least misplaced.) Hogwarts West, my Wizard School, is teaching me to find out what it is I want first, or what I don't want, and giving me the tools to manifest. Then I get the wand. Well, I assume there's some kind of wand involved anyway - there fucking better be or I'll be manifesting a six pack of whoop ass and sharing it with my professors.

I know one thing I want. Actually today I am going to claim that I have a big slice of it sans wand. Courage. Nobody said that becoming a wielder of magic was going to be easy, nobody said it was going to be hard now that I think about it. It takes some big brass balls to do some of things I am doing. Either that or a touch of lunacy. Let me be more specific for those of you who aren't at my school, who chose to study elsewhere - I'm a firm believer we are all studying somewhere, willing or not.

To become a wielder of the light, to be able to wave my Wizard School wand, I must clear out the judgments I've created. And boy were there heaps of them. It can be fucking scary. And I am doing it. Looking back at moments in my life that I've judged myself as less than perfect, times when I shamed myself, ran off to the corners of my mind, made a decision that that was just too scary and clearing them out. Wizard School is learning the skills to become a Self-cleaner, or a Lover of my dirt. Out with the old beliefs, old misunderstandings so I can see what is really there, so I can own what has always been there. Not what I have to get to become happy, more what I have to get rid of to remember that I came in to this world happy. And loved. Remembering that all of the "shit" that makes up me is fucking perfect, it's my judgments that cloud that perfection. I am not my shit! Sounds like a t-shirt.

I have the greatest example of perfection, of the divine we all are, in my life right now, and for that I am filled with gratitude. A true wielder of magic, a perfect divine being, swaddled in Red Sox (Yes God is a Sox fan) gear. Hugs (named because rumor has it that's what she loves), a beautiful eight week old girl who lives up the street. I met her on her first day here amongst us and have watched her grow. I think she's been watching me grow too. It's been amazing, a blessing. Brings me back to sixteen years ago when another amazing little girl was brought into my life while I was nearby. She's a brilliant wielder of magic, a powerful wizard who with her sisters teach me heaps every moment I'm around them. But sixteen years ago my eyes were much more clouded with my own judgments that I couldn't see as clearly as I do now. Today I see the perfection in a little one hot off the presses. Today I can see the beauty in her reflecting back at me, and owning it a little bit in myself.

Her Dad and Mom are two of my best friends, two people who love me and, at times, think I'm crazy. I can hear Hugs' Dad laughing at me already, I look forward to it actually for he is one of my bullshit detectors (I have several). He is one of the people I've created in my life to help me along my path, to show me where I am. Before Hugs was born I wouldn't have been as comfortable using him as an example; my own shit, my own insecurities that I've moved beyond. We've both grown. And tell him now that there is no such thing as a divine being, he may not like the God speak, but I can see it in his eyes. Tell him his daughter isn't perfect. I dare you because he knows that she is and I'm fairly certain he'd punch you in the nose moments after you lied and said she wasn't. Not that I want you to get punched in the nose, but sometimes that's what it takes to get a point across. And my point is we are all perfect, we are all divine.

There are no accidents in this world. None. And I've been blessed to be shown, to be near, a perfect example of what I am doing for myself. Being a parent to myself, loving and nurturing myself, reminding myself that I am a perfect divine being. Like Hugs, nowhere near as cute or huggable, but you get the picture. I just forgot, and told myself that I wasn't. I bought into some misunderstandings I picked up along the road of life and forgot what it was to be a divine being. I blame nobody, because it's all perfect, there's nothing to blame anyone for. Nothing. We are all perfect.

We all are. I know, Bitter is becoming sappy. Bitter is trying to become happy again. And Bitter is writing about himself in the third person, maybe Bitter has gone off the deep end. So be it, I am happy most days. And bitter some days, the days I forget how brilliant I am, how brilliant we all are. As I've written before I could focus on all that's not going right in my life, but more and more I'm choosing to focus on gratitude for my life. That's not to say I don't want to make changes, clear out cobwebs. That's why I'm at Wizard School, to remember who I was when I came into this world. To reclaim that power and all my light. Hugs does it so easily, she is a beacon of remembrance for me. For that I am so grateful, I thank her every time I see her. That's why she's in my life, I wont speculate why she chose the parents she chose but I will say she has excellent taste.

This weekend I celebrated myself and my classmates taking giant steps toward that goal, the goal of living a joy filled life. It really is quite simple, I just forgot, we all did, and started packing away judgments up in the attic to keep us separated from God. One day it got so cluttered up in my attic that I looked up and couldn't see her, I only could see all the shit I had collected. Let me tell you, that kept me from wanting to look for a long time. Now I am cleaning out that attic. Some days the window is open, my aim is perfect and the shit flies out. Other days I get half way up the stairs, realize I forgot something in the kitchen and never get back up to do the cleaning. It's all great. I don't beat myself up (much) anymore, and that is a big step forward for me. Being hard on myself just doesn't work, well it's worked perfect when I wanted to be Bitter, but now I'm wanting a slice of happiness.

This is my journey, I hope you know I am not preaching, not selling you that my way is better than your way. Things that have been struggles for me, come easy for others. I know this, I've seen this, I love this. I do know we are all perfect. Yes even the douchebag who doesn't use his directional or the loudtalking prick at the coffee shop. I may not want to spend a great deal of time with those people, but that doesn't make either of us less than perfect. One man's annoyance is another man's love. Hey another T-shirt - I smell a BS clothing line.

Tomorrow I may want to strangle those folk, I'm not here to tell you I have it all figured out, you know that I trust. What I do know is what works for me. It does take work, and I'm off to do some.

Love, Light and Laughs,

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Greetings People -

Been busy here at the home office. Actually was working an away game - away for me anyway, I did get out of the house. And I don't get out much. Making Hollywood magic.

Just checking my email and fucking off, so I thought I'd chirp in with a quick progress report. I continue to find myself annoying, yet exceedingly likable. And I did have two cigarettes this week. Gasp. Just needed to put that on the record as I intend to operatewith micro-honesty and integrity. Yeah you, my lucky readers, are like my support group. Yes lucky you.

My intention is smoke and drug free, and if I stumble I'll keep you posted, even a smoke or two. This way, if I go on a four day crack binge I will report it. I am crack free! I mean I was prior to the new year, but I figured I'd celebrate victories for battles not fought. Why not make shit easier.

Okay. Battery dying. Sun blinding my vision. Homeless folk lovingly pestering me - not for a cigarette anymore! - it's time to get some work done.

Wizard School this weekend. Maybe we get our brooms this weekend.

Love, Light and Laughs,

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Authentic! The New Cool.

Good Morning

Was just reading some of the dribble I've shoveled the last few days and wondered who the fuck is that guy. He seems happy go lucky, full of hope and promise. An optimist dare I say. Certainly not Bitter. Worst of all someone I loathe - a whore spreading his legs for all the world to see. Look at me! Look at me! See what I'm doing! See how hard I'm trying! See me! Love me! Blah fucking blah.

Not cool. It dawned on me - I'm not cool. Tough to take. I'm not sure I've ever been cool, but I know I've tried to be cool. I'm giving it up. I don't want to be anything but Authentic. Does that make me cool? At times I know I've thought I was. I have a great picture of me from my New York City days. Dressed in black, a wee splash of color, strategically placed lower lip hair. You know the prick? The cool prick. I was a man about town. A would be ladies man. I was an artist!

Last night I watched three artist talk of their art, their craft. Watching "It Might Get Loud" and it came to me - I'm giving up ever attempting to be cool. Jack White is cool. A creative genius. And cool. Sure he works at being cool, the shite he does just doesn't come natural I'm convinced. It's just not worth it. I'm not giving up living, just trying to get anyone to think anything about me. I'm striving to be Authentic. Fuck cool, it's not worth my effort. Does that make me cool?????????????

It may shock some people who know me. "You tried to be cool?" Yes I have. That practiced indifference. Seen it, know it, done it. Let me talk about my art, keeps me from being a craftsman. Let me be cool, keeps you at arms length. Cool kept me from being Authentic. Cool kept my focus on others, not on what matters to me. Right now what matters to me is being true to myself. And clearly what matters to me right now is sharing with you, my screaming stark raving mad fans. Legs they be spread.

I woke this morning feeling very uncool, very unloved, desperate for a hit of an old tonic. I could go on, but whining is not what I want to do. Ever. Nor do I want to blame someone else for my heartache. So I thought I'd come write about how uncool I was to make myself feel better - and I wonder why I'm fucking bitter? Full disclosure, I didn't even come to write about how uncool I am, I came out to see if my tonic would be around to see me. Fucking uncool, but true.

I want to go up to the fellow smoking on the sidewalk beside me and punch him. For no reason other than I feel raw. Exposed. Alone. Fuck am I whining? It sounded like it. I suppose I'll stop then. Move forward with my day. Part of me wants to write about how much it's going to suck and part of me wants to share beautiful heartfelt intentions. I'll split the difference, I'm going to be Authentic. That's all I can ever hope for, true to myself in each moment.

Here's to great moments. Tragically uncool, wonder-filled Authentic moments.

Love, Light and Laughs,

Friday, January 8, 2010

My Loyal Masses -

I'm not sure if any of you care, I'm not sure who you are. And I like that. Perhaps this is a report to me from me. It streamlines the meetings anyway. Only the arguments of the idiots to slow me down.

Can't believe the energy I'm waking with each morning with these new choices. Yes I am only on day five, but what a difference five days makes. I'm a little nervous about this weekend - A little smoke won't kill you - Ah that's the voice that worries me. Because he's right, it won't kill me, but it will kill my Spirit. That's what I am nurturing right now, my spirit, my zest for life. Things I've tried to dampen in the past. No more.

Tis a grand morning. Lots of scenery here at my away game writing spot. Now that I'm working on new writing projects, I'm not sure what to do with my blog. I'm not too worried, again this could be just a letter to me. Okay I know there's a few of you out there who read this from time to time. Hello there!

I met with a writing coach, my writing coach, last night. First time for everything. My project(s) have come in to such clarity. Loving discipline! That's it, that's all it's going to take to give myself the life I want to live. I am giving it to myself. Sure I've got a mountain of debt; I'm an addict; I'm in love with a woman who drives me crazy and at last check wants to be my buddy; But I am loving life today, in this moment. I just looked up and the fellow on the table in front of me has a book titled "The Magic of Believing". I believe brother, I believe.

I mean come on, what's not to be filled with gratitude for? A little bee just zoomed by me, I've got The Pogues filling my ears, a little dance in my step, it's sunny and 70. I have a great life and it's only getting better.

Has Bitter Spiritualist turned into one of these annoying blogs? Or was I already? Hey I'm not smoking and off the dope, so give me a break. I have some extra energy. Instead of putting it toward editing and discerning what is appropriate for my bitter baby, I'm just putting it out there. At least I'm not bitching about how bad my life is - or would that be more palatable than how grand my life is? Hmmmmmm.......I find the grand life guy more annoying.

Okay I'm off to do some work.

Love, Light and Laughs

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Feeling Groovy.....

Great waking up this morning with no cloud over my mind or my chest. Feeling good, my energy is coming back.

I've not killed anyone, so that's a positive. Well I may have killed someone, but I committed to sharing with you if I smoked, not if I murdered.

The little birds have been chirping away in my ear - the voices of doubt - and I hear them, but I can do this. I know I can. Loving Discipline. It feels good.

Just thought I'd check in with you, my loyal masses. I'm off to Orange County - see you quit drugs and smoking and magical adventures await you.......

Love, Light and Laughs

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” ~ Lao Tzu

Greetings! A Joyous 2010 to you all.

Funny how time slips by when I am avoiding things. It's been five days since the new year, but only two days since my new year started. I'd given myself the weekend to continue to make old choices, yesterday was the beginning of the Bitter Spiritualist's New Year. My journey, my re-birth, from being a bitter angry lonely man to a happy loving guy.

Today was supposed to be the start of a new journey with the good people over at Souldiving. Lady Serendipity stepped in and they had to skip our first deadline. In the past this would have been a great opportunity for me to feel unloved and justified. And in the past that justification would have been to get high, smoke some cigarettes, and block out feelings. Today is a new day, for today is about me and my journey, my journey home to happiness, to God. I was (am?) in love with that little bee, and thought if only I could get her I'd be happy. I love Honeybee and Souldiving, but they certainly can't make me happy, only I can, with the help of God.

That's who our first posting was to be about, God. The title - "Who is God?" And I realized that I'm not sure, or more correctly, I am one hundred percent sure, I'm just not ready to share that yet. Because to share my thoughts on God, I have to share my thoughts on myself. And I'm working on that, piece by beautiful piece. Uncovering parts of me and bringing them to the light. My ego is in overdrive, wanting me to quit, wanting me to take a different path, but I'm still here and it is my intention to continue this brilliant journey.

So rather than trying to come up with some witty clever answer to the question "Who is God?", I am going to go deeper in my journey to understanding god, go deeper in my understanding of myself and commit fully to my journey to happiness. Every great journey starts with the first step, and my first step is becoming more open to God and my process. The new 2010 first step is living a drug-free, smoke-free life. At the least until I graduate from Wizard School!

For too long I have kept God and my fellow beings of light (that's you guys) at bay. So I am cutting out the smoke screen, I need it no more. Monday, January 4, 2010, was the first day of my drug-free, smoke-free path until graduation. After that day in August, I will reassess my situation and make choices from there.

The reality is that I have been unhappy, unhappy and hiding out from God. And the one constant, the one thing that would make that misery palatable was the smoke screen. If I did the right drug I could numb some part of me, I could tune out the messages from God. Something rippling my emotional pond? - I'll have a cigarette to squash that down. Feeling alone, insecure, unlovable? - there's a drug to mask those aches. I am ready to pull off the mask and heal the hurts. I am ready to face what comes my way, I have the strength and I have the team.

Of course day one's start was no accident. I spent the morning with a great friend, a friend I admire and respect enormously, who just happens to be coming up on 10 years of sobriety. He presented me with step one of the twelve steps, something I'd never looked at, and something I'm not committing to. I don't know how this is going to look, remember everything here at BS is an experiment, and this is no exception. I've not committed to sobreity, only to a smoke-free, drug-free experiment.

I am keeping myself honest by checking in with you all, my loving loyal fans. This is my happiness project, not my sobriety project. This is but one step, albeit an important one, in my journey toward becoming happy.

I am excited and a wee frightened about this journey, but I am going to do my best and in doing my best I will be giving myself something to be happy about. If I fall from this path, I will share it with you. THIS I GUARANTEE! I am done shaming myself and my choices. I am coming out of the shadows and into the light.

I hope this year is filled with wonder and joy for you, and for me.

Love, Light and Laughs,