Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Jolly Tuesday To You


Been a busy week here at the home office. Two pieces of news to report before the rain comes, so I'll make it quick.

First I had a brilliant learning opportunity on Thursday. Yes my streak of not getting high came to an abrupt end. I had a weak moment on Wednesday and texted my connection. He said he'd be around later. Well I did some great things, reached out to a friend and didn't get high on Wednesday. I even wrote to you all about being strong, and about not getting high and about how I wasn't going to con you, or myself. It was beautiful, heartfelt and I truly meant every word of it. The white knuckle part was over and I was on the other side. I went to bed, happy with myself.

Then Thursday afternoon rolled around and my connection contacted me again, a series of miscommunications. Him not understanding I didn't want anything, and a text glitch. I literally got six text from him telling me he was around. It was a sign I said and I went out and scored a little hooch. And I smoked it and initially I liked it, then I hated it. I hated that it clouded over my heart and mind. But I didn't beat myself up, and that is a huge step. And I am not hiding out from you all. Sure I did while I was high, but as I told you, I am not here to paint a picture of how cool I am, or how strong I am, but rather a portrait of a formerly Bitter angry man on the road to Sweet happy days. And fuck yeah I am going to take a step back every now and then, and a step forward while taking a step back. I am learning and practicing, never promised myself anything else. I can't believe how good I feel today, I Work My Process and am out here at my coffee shop sharing with you all.

And I am smoke free once again. See I justified cigarettes with the drugs. In for a penny, in for a pound. In the past this choice would last for months, years. It was one day, one choice. I'd be kicking back smoking everything I could get my hands on. No more. If I go against my intentions for a day, so be it, but that doesn't give me permission to give up on them, or myself. I am in this for the long haul. Fuck yeah I'm worth it, and this journey is worth it. I'm chalking it down as a great learning experience. I've learned what doesn't work; I've learned what does work; I learned that just because I made a choice I didn't love, doesn't mean I have to hate myself; I learned what I must focus on and what I must not focus on; I've learned come a fucking long way; I've learned I don't have to go it alone;. Heaps and heaps of brilliant things. Sure I'd rather have learned them and not used drugs, but I did. So be it, I'm done judging myself, I'm moving on from that inch by inch, step by step, day by day.

Speaking of journeys, I have a new partner to share this amazing ride with. He's sitting at my feet now, a little pissed that he can't go say hello to everyone here. Jolly has finally arrived from Boston. We are doing great. It's a learning process for both of us. I am so grateful to have him in my life, it's going to be fun, a challenge and an adventure. It's a big step for me, for years I wanted a dog, but felt unable to take care of myself, let alone a furry friend. At some point it dawned on me I was ready, a few trial runs later and Jolly showed up on my door - well I brought him to my door.

The rain has come and we are outside. No dogs allowed. I don't like to write to you guys inside anyway. I'm off to do some writing at home, out of the rain, the greatest dog in the whole wide world by my side (or wherever he wants) and a knowing that today is a Jolly Tuesday. I wish a Jolly one to you.

Love, Light and Laughs,

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