Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Of Expensive Car Repairs and Life Lessons

Sometimes I truly wonder why I need to be hit over the head with lessons. Am I that big of a dunce that I need to bully myself? Be bullied by God? Thick skulled and not listening. WELL HEAR THIS THEN!

Money. Moving Forward. Coming out of my shell. Facing my fears. Living my life. Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. Heaps of cliches abound in my brain. I am grateful that I am taking baby steps, I'm stepping into who I really am.

But a $2800 lesson? Is that what I really needed. If I'm to trust that I get exactly what I need, I have to take this lump and move forward. Really look at where I am in my life and make changes. It's a blessing, of that I am sure, I just wish I could see the blessing. I must trust. Baby Steps.

I was thrown for a loop when the nice fellow who is fixing my car called with the news. Things clogged, gears ground up, new parts, old parts refurbished. 2800 plus dollars. Yikes!

I am taking baby steps, why did God hand me this? Why did I hand this to myself? A reminder that it is only money? That I have the talents and abilities to make that and more in an instant if I only push out from my comfort zone?

Right now I don't have that answer. I don't have any answers. I don't have any money for that matter. My rent is due. Tuition. The aforementioned car whammy. Do I need to create more opportunities or is this enough for me to continue forward. I know not. My leap of faith is wrapped up in some bills right now. Issues and opportunities to move forward with my learning and growth.

I do know that I am not overwhelmed. Feeling a little sorry for myself. Wondering where the funds are going to come from. Knowing that I must reach out to someone for help, something I've done in the past and something I've hated doing in the past. Feeling like a burden on my friends, on society, when I have so much to give. My worth wrapped up in a few bucks, a few bucks that I do not have. So do I have any worth even?

Feeling weak. Feeling alone. Feeling sad. Wanting so badly to run and hide, and tonight I just might. But it's money. It's my car. It all seems BIG in this moment, but I know it's not that big. I can create the life I want to live. I am creating the life I want to live. And $3000 is not the end of the world, not the end of my life.

I will move forward. I am. Now I am just feeling sorry for myself and being gentle with myself. Did I need this? It's got me moving, it's got me feeling, it's got me trusting. But three grand God? That's the price I suppose. Triggers. Challenges. All opportunities if I look at them through the eyes of Love. Tear filled eyes, but a wee smile on my face. The dogs don't care, they just want a rub, and that's what I will do.

Tomorrow I will exam my situation and take some actions. Tonight I may throw a pity party, sorry for the lack of invitations. This is a party for one, well three furry guests but they were on the list.

Love, Light and Laughs

Monday, November 29, 2010

baby steps

The steps are tiny, baby steps I believe they call them, but they are steps forward. Sure a leap backwards from time to time, but I am moving forward.

I feel like I am crawling, clawing, valiant insignificant attempts to kick start my life. Give myself my dreams. Be the man I want to be, not just in words, but in actions. I am praying, praying right this very moment as I type, that God gives me the strength and courage to live my life. To do good work. To live with integrity in each and every moment. So many of my choices I have shamed, and that shame has kept me in the shadows for too long.

A spoiled obnoxious brat. Delusional. Living a fantasy in my head, avoiding my heart. Baby steps. Encouraging myself to move forward. The metaphor came to me fully, sitting on the highway when my car wouldn't go forward. I wasn't shifting, wasn't changing gears. She's in being repaired, and I look inward, and outward, to continue my journey. Fixing my gears.

At times I've found myself in the why me state. Broke. Not creating. A sad sod feeling sorry for myself. When I have so much to offer, so much inside that screams to be let out and shared. How can I feel sorry for myself? So I did and I am done, and now I take a tiny step forward. The view looks great from here, I think I'll take another step.

Yikes! It's a little scary - Is that a cliff? - Will I fall over the edge, alone in the desert, never to be heard from again? Does it matter, I've not been listening to my heart, so what is there to hear?

I'm not jumping. I'm not leaping. I'm just taking another little step forward. The edge is there, close, I can feel it. The wind on my face. The air tastes somehow cleaner the closer I come to the edge. If I'm not careful I may just find myself over the edge. And that is where I must go. No grand proclamations, just tiny little steps forward.

Tonight for a brief moment or two, I stepped forward. I may retreat once again. I may not. Either way it's perfect. Just like my super cool bracelet says "It's Perfect". (Thanks E!)

I feel it. I feel. I love. I write. I be. Most of all, I take a baby step forward. And for that I am grateful.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hello! Thank You!

Hi All

My apologies for the haphazard postings recently. I'm being kind with haphazard, nonexistent would be more accurate.

I've been hiding out and had not felt like sharing. Fear. Resistance. Whatever I want to label it, it's been the reason, certainly not an excuse.

I'm back. I'm back and I am writing. Facing fears and doing it. This is my intention. This is my hope.

It truly amazes me when someone comes up to me and references my words from this site. Gives me a chill. Brings a tear to my eye even. That people actually check out my words, read them and reference them. I've come a long way from peeking my head out from under the covers and sharing this blog with the first four.

I love you all heaps. And I will not take you for granted, will not take my gifts for granted.

I am working on a bigger writing project. I'm not going to talk about it, because in the past that's what I would do - Talk about something so much that I wouldn't have to write it.

I will share with you one step in my process, with the hopes you'll join me. I've started a meditation practice! It feels great thus far. Truly it does. I'm finding a wee bit of peace inside, and reflected outside.

The biggest excuse I used about meditating I used was "I don't really know how." Well let me share my process as it looks now. I'll expand on it I'm sure, but it's a great beginning. Here's what I do -

1. Turn off your phone! This is time with you and Spirit. You and God. You and You for you aethists out there.
2. Get comfortable, cross your legs if you like (I do because it's comfortable, and it's my idea of what one looks like when meditating).
3. Breathe! In through the nose out through the mouth is how I do it. Whatever works for you. Follow your breath. Breathe in Love, breathe out Love. Hey guess what?! You're meditating. Yup that's it! I do a little more, but you can stop here. Do that for a minute, then two minutes, increase your time each time you do it. Give it a whirl, see how it fits.
4. Call in the light. Just use your imagination and call in the light, imagine a beautiful healing white light flowing down through the top of your head. Filling you all of your cells with healing light, filling your heart with Love.
5. Perhaps some chanting is in order. I love my voice, anyone who knows me knows that. So I chant "Hu" "Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" It feels great, gets my vibration up and my spirit soaring. Hu is another word for God. You can chant anything you like, we're beginners! "Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm" is a good one. Maybe "Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaats" or "Soooooooooooooooooooox" and then when the Pats win the Superbowl and the Sox win the Series you can take credit, you and Hu that is.

Be gentle with yourself!

Okay. Off to do some more writing. I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Love, Light and Laughs