Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Of Expensive Car Repairs and Life Lessons

Sometimes I truly wonder why I need to be hit over the head with lessons. Am I that big of a dunce that I need to bully myself? Be bullied by God? Thick skulled and not listening. WELL HEAR THIS THEN!

Money. Moving Forward. Coming out of my shell. Facing my fears. Living my life. Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. Heaps of cliches abound in my brain. I am grateful that I am taking baby steps, I'm stepping into who I really am.

But a $2800 lesson? Is that what I really needed. If I'm to trust that I get exactly what I need, I have to take this lump and move forward. Really look at where I am in my life and make changes. It's a blessing, of that I am sure, I just wish I could see the blessing. I must trust. Baby Steps.

I was thrown for a loop when the nice fellow who is fixing my car called with the news. Things clogged, gears ground up, new parts, old parts refurbished. 2800 plus dollars. Yikes!

I am taking baby steps, why did God hand me this? Why did I hand this to myself? A reminder that it is only money? That I have the talents and abilities to make that and more in an instant if I only push out from my comfort zone?

Right now I don't have that answer. I don't have any answers. I don't have any money for that matter. My rent is due. Tuition. The aforementioned car whammy. Do I need to create more opportunities or is this enough for me to continue forward. I know not. My leap of faith is wrapped up in some bills right now. Issues and opportunities to move forward with my learning and growth.

I do know that I am not overwhelmed. Feeling a little sorry for myself. Wondering where the funds are going to come from. Knowing that I must reach out to someone for help, something I've done in the past and something I've hated doing in the past. Feeling like a burden on my friends, on society, when I have so much to give. My worth wrapped up in a few bucks, a few bucks that I do not have. So do I have any worth even?

Feeling weak. Feeling alone. Feeling sad. Wanting so badly to run and hide, and tonight I just might. But it's money. It's my car. It all seems BIG in this moment, but I know it's not that big. I can create the life I want to live. I am creating the life I want to live. And $3000 is not the end of the world, not the end of my life.

I will move forward. I am. Now I am just feeling sorry for myself and being gentle with myself. Did I need this? It's got me moving, it's got me feeling, it's got me trusting. But three grand God? That's the price I suppose. Triggers. Challenges. All opportunities if I look at them through the eyes of Love. Tear filled eyes, but a wee smile on my face. The dogs don't care, they just want a rub, and that's what I will do.

Tomorrow I will exam my situation and take some actions. Tonight I may throw a pity party, sorry for the lack of invitations. This is a party for one, well three furry guests but they were on the list.

Love, Light and Laughs

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