Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Greetings from Shangri La -

I've been scuffing my feet on the floor, not writing to you all in the past few weeks. For that I apologize.

This has been a bit of a zany time for me, lots of learning, lots of avoiding, just lots..... At times I've literally been pulling the covers over my head and hiding out. And I've been okay with that. More and more I am trusting my process, trusting that I have where I am is where I am supposed to be. It came to me in one of those moments of crystal clear knowing - The Aha Moment.

I am not anyone else but me. Can't even begin to be someone else, so why not make strides to be good at who I am. I'm not sure who this person is, but I'm okay with that. In fact that is exactly part of who I am, someone who is not sure, who looks deeply. Aha!

In the past I'd been spending a great deal of time and energy beating myself up for not knowing exactly who I am. Exactly why I am here or what I want. Who's voice was it I began to wonder. Who was beating me up for not knowing, for not having it all figured out. And what was that voice doing to help figure it out.

The voice was clearly my own. What it was doing to help? Well it got me to the point where I didn't want to listen to it anymore. So I stopped. Aha! And when I take that pressure off, things just start to bubble inside. Aha!

I've spent my whole life trying to be somebody else. Maybe not somebody else, but a shiner version of me. I want to stop that. I am in the process of stopping that. Starting to love the journey, not waiting to get to some destination then let the loving begin.

Per usual I'm not making any sense today, but I can love that I've made another attempt at moving forward, taken some action and given myself another Aha opportunity.

Life is all Aha moments, is it not? I'd been waiting around til I had it all figured out, then it dawned on me. The day I have it all figured it out is more than likely the day I leave this planet. So why am I waiting around? Well I could give a heap of reasons, but let's just call it fear. I'm starting to really enjoy life in Aha mode. Steps big and small that make me go Aha, there's another key, there's another piece to the puzzle, there is something I didn't know and it is furthering me along the path.

It's been fun. It's been frustrating. It's been life. Beautiful magical life.

I'd not posted in a bit and then kept myself from posting this week because I wanted it to be deep, and meaningful, and shiny. Well this is none of the above. It's me, figuring things out. It's what BS started out as and will continue to be. The ramblings of a madman. Now a madman with more Aha's!

So posting today was an Aha! I'll call it a win even.

Love, Light, Laughs and Ahas,

Monday, April 19, 2010

Bitter Spiritualist Unplugged

My Faithful Legions!

Today I start five days of Wizard School. I felt inspired to share with you. I am excited to go deeper into the BS, find out more of who I am and release all that no longer serves me.

I am valiantly making attempts to not project any outcomes, to simply be and co-create with the Universe. I have set intentions, which are different from controlling some outcomes. I do know that I am a seeker, and today as simply as I can put it I am seeking happiness.

So wish me luck. Send me love and light. And have fun while I'm gone.

And so we all can celebrate our continued success. The BS is happy to report we are up to over $25 of earnings. Impressive. I will be making this a weekly report. It makes it real for me, and from what I am hearing to you, my faithful legions. I will be refraining from my shameless overtures to click on to my advertises and will be going about it in a new way. By being open to you all with how we are doing, and that is a promise I will keep. Even when the BS is making thousands of dollars a week, I will continue to share with you all. We are partners in this experiment after all.

Have some fun while I'm gone! Do things you love to do. Tell someone you love them. Do it for me if you can't muster up the strength to do it for you.

Love and Light to you all, I remain,

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Fuck You God - Maintenance Work

Dear God -

Fuck you. I hate you. Nice work. Proving to yourself that you are all powerful? That insecure are you? Well I am here and not going anywhere. I ache all over. I want to rip my heart out of my chest, it hurts too much. But I can take it, is this best you can do?

I cry out in pain and you let me struggle and strain and resist on my own. You abandon me?! Is that your way of saying I'm ready for the next level of healing? That I am strong enough now to go deeper, to explore more of why I am here and how I operate? Another reminder to let the ego go and get to my authentic self. Great. I guess I didn't get the memo and you needed to bash me over the head. Thanks.

Yeah yeah I hear you. I'll do the fucking work. The work I wasn't doing. Thanks for the getting me back to work. Happy? I love the salt you've thrown on to the wounds. It's perfect. A little spice is always nice. I've got some other ways you can hurt me, but you seem to be doing a great job without me, so I'll just get to work. Prick.

With love and a healthy dose of anger,

It's not all sunshine and lollipops at the BS headquarters today. I suppose the note above to God may have clued you in to that. I know God has not abandon me, I know she's always with me. I'm just a wee be in upset, so I thought I'd let her know I'm on to her and her antics. (She continues to push my buttons, even as I write this she is smacking me in the chops. Spiteful bitch.)

It's been a sad scary past few days for me. And the old devices to mask the pain aren't working anymore. God knows I've been trying to salve the open wounds. I've tried a few beers; herbal remedies; manipulating folks to take away the pain; and none of those things are working anymore. It's just me here with a heart full of pain and a head full of venom. I want to take away the hurt and suck the poison from my thoughts.

Fuck me. It's time to roll up my sleeves and get to work.

Maintenance work. The nitty gritty nuts and bolts WORK that I know I need to do to heal these aches. It's time to open up my tool box and use some of the tools I have. Tools I've shared with you. Today is a day of great beauty through the pains. It's a day where I can take charge of my life and not blame, not someone else and not myself. Today is a day of opportunities. An opportunity to wake up from my nap and take charge. Prove to myself that I do have all that I need right here inside of me.

Fuck yeah it sucks in this moment. And I will more than likely have more days like this, days where I forget to use my tools, days where resistance gets the better of me. Days of autopilot numbness. I loathe the "Oh it's all so perfect, each moment is exactly what we need as we grow in the loving" types. It may be true, but life ain't easy all the time, so sell your Hallmark greetings somewhere else. This is Bitter Spiritualist Country, we learn by falling down and getting back up. They have their own path, from where I stand in my judgment, they can blow it out their ass. With love of course, always with love. Fuckheads. Yes today is a beautiful day, and yes today is a day I want to smack someone in the chin to share my pain.

So I encourage you, the BS faithful to use your tools and not wallow in misery and feeling sorry for yourself. Yes I've written it before - all the advice and genius words of wisdom here are true BS. Truly they are for me. I just like to share my thoughts and feelings with you all for some sick holier-than-thou narcissistic reason. And I'm not ready to look into that. I worry that once I do, I'll stop writing to you all and I know you all crave my brilliance too much for me to pull the rug out from under you. I'm not a spiteful god, I am a humble god.

I am signing off and taking the opportunity to open up my tool box. First thing is an anger letter, I'm going to write a note, get all these things out of me, on to some paper then burn the fucker. Send it back to where it came. If I'd done that before this post then I'd probably have written to you about puppies. (Puppies are cute and lovable! There I've written all that needs to be written about puppies.) So I've used my anger as fuel - Great job. Then I'm going to practice some more positive self talk to remind myself I am doing great things for myself. Maybe even write myself a permission slip and have some fun.

I am going to trust and move forward. I am going to use my tools. Hey I might even find some fun if I'm not too careful. Yes I highly recommend you look back at some of my old posts and see if anything resonates with you and your process - AND CLICK ON SOME OF MY ADVERTISERS SO I CAN CONTINUE TO RACK UP THE BUCKS. See even in my despair I am now hustling to create a richer fuller life. And a shameless plug or two never hurt anyone.

To you and your daily upkeep, I remain,