Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Of Expensive Car Repairs and Life Lessons

Sometimes I truly wonder why I need to be hit over the head with lessons. Am I that big of a dunce that I need to bully myself? Be bullied by God? Thick skulled and not listening. WELL HEAR THIS THEN!

Money. Moving Forward. Coming out of my shell. Facing my fears. Living my life. Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. Heaps of cliches abound in my brain. I am grateful that I am taking baby steps, I'm stepping into who I really am.

But a $2800 lesson? Is that what I really needed. If I'm to trust that I get exactly what I need, I have to take this lump and move forward. Really look at where I am in my life and make changes. It's a blessing, of that I am sure, I just wish I could see the blessing. I must trust. Baby Steps.

I was thrown for a loop when the nice fellow who is fixing my car called with the news. Things clogged, gears ground up, new parts, old parts refurbished. 2800 plus dollars. Yikes!

I am taking baby steps, why did God hand me this? Why did I hand this to myself? A reminder that it is only money? That I have the talents and abilities to make that and more in an instant if I only push out from my comfort zone?

Right now I don't have that answer. I don't have any answers. I don't have any money for that matter. My rent is due. Tuition. The aforementioned car whammy. Do I need to create more opportunities or is this enough for me to continue forward. I know not. My leap of faith is wrapped up in some bills right now. Issues and opportunities to move forward with my learning and growth.

I do know that I am not overwhelmed. Feeling a little sorry for myself. Wondering where the funds are going to come from. Knowing that I must reach out to someone for help, something I've done in the past and something I've hated doing in the past. Feeling like a burden on my friends, on society, when I have so much to give. My worth wrapped up in a few bucks, a few bucks that I do not have. So do I have any worth even?

Feeling weak. Feeling alone. Feeling sad. Wanting so badly to run and hide, and tonight I just might. But it's money. It's my car. It all seems BIG in this moment, but I know it's not that big. I can create the life I want to live. I am creating the life I want to live. And $3000 is not the end of the world, not the end of my life.

I will move forward. I am. Now I am just feeling sorry for myself and being gentle with myself. Did I need this? It's got me moving, it's got me feeling, it's got me trusting. But three grand God? That's the price I suppose. Triggers. Challenges. All opportunities if I look at them through the eyes of Love. Tear filled eyes, but a wee smile on my face. The dogs don't care, they just want a rub, and that's what I will do.

Tomorrow I will exam my situation and take some actions. Tonight I may throw a pity party, sorry for the lack of invitations. This is a party for one, well three furry guests but they were on the list.

Love, Light and Laughs

Monday, November 29, 2010

baby steps

The steps are tiny, baby steps I believe they call them, but they are steps forward. Sure a leap backwards from time to time, but I am moving forward.

I feel like I am crawling, clawing, valiant insignificant attempts to kick start my life. Give myself my dreams. Be the man I want to be, not just in words, but in actions. I am praying, praying right this very moment as I type, that God gives me the strength and courage to live my life. To do good work. To live with integrity in each and every moment. So many of my choices I have shamed, and that shame has kept me in the shadows for too long.

A spoiled obnoxious brat. Delusional. Living a fantasy in my head, avoiding my heart. Baby steps. Encouraging myself to move forward. The metaphor came to me fully, sitting on the highway when my car wouldn't go forward. I wasn't shifting, wasn't changing gears. She's in being repaired, and I look inward, and outward, to continue my journey. Fixing my gears.

At times I've found myself in the why me state. Broke. Not creating. A sad sod feeling sorry for myself. When I have so much to offer, so much inside that screams to be let out and shared. How can I feel sorry for myself? So I did and I am done, and now I take a tiny step forward. The view looks great from here, I think I'll take another step.

Yikes! It's a little scary - Is that a cliff? - Will I fall over the edge, alone in the desert, never to be heard from again? Does it matter, I've not been listening to my heart, so what is there to hear?

I'm not jumping. I'm not leaping. I'm just taking another little step forward. The edge is there, close, I can feel it. The wind on my face. The air tastes somehow cleaner the closer I come to the edge. If I'm not careful I may just find myself over the edge. And that is where I must go. No grand proclamations, just tiny little steps forward.

Tonight for a brief moment or two, I stepped forward. I may retreat once again. I may not. Either way it's perfect. Just like my super cool bracelet says "It's Perfect". (Thanks E!)

I feel it. I feel. I love. I write. I be. Most of all, I take a baby step forward. And for that I am grateful.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hello! Thank You!

Hi All

My apologies for the haphazard postings recently. I'm being kind with haphazard, nonexistent would be more accurate.

I've been hiding out and had not felt like sharing. Fear. Resistance. Whatever I want to label it, it's been the reason, certainly not an excuse.

I'm back. I'm back and I am writing. Facing fears and doing it. This is my intention. This is my hope.

It truly amazes me when someone comes up to me and references my words from this site. Gives me a chill. Brings a tear to my eye even. That people actually check out my words, read them and reference them. I've come a long way from peeking my head out from under the covers and sharing this blog with the first four.

I love you all heaps. And I will not take you for granted, will not take my gifts for granted.

I am working on a bigger writing project. I'm not going to talk about it, because in the past that's what I would do - Talk about something so much that I wouldn't have to write it.

I will share with you one step in my process, with the hopes you'll join me. I've started a meditation practice! It feels great thus far. Truly it does. I'm finding a wee bit of peace inside, and reflected outside.

The biggest excuse I used about meditating I used was "I don't really know how." Well let me share my process as it looks now. I'll expand on it I'm sure, but it's a great beginning. Here's what I do -

1. Turn off your phone! This is time with you and Spirit. You and God. You and You for you aethists out there.
2. Get comfortable, cross your legs if you like (I do because it's comfortable, and it's my idea of what one looks like when meditating).
3. Breathe! In through the nose out through the mouth is how I do it. Whatever works for you. Follow your breath. Breathe in Love, breathe out Love. Hey guess what?! You're meditating. Yup that's it! I do a little more, but you can stop here. Do that for a minute, then two minutes, increase your time each time you do it. Give it a whirl, see how it fits.
4. Call in the light. Just use your imagination and call in the light, imagine a beautiful healing white light flowing down through the top of your head. Filling you all of your cells with healing light, filling your heart with Love.
5. Perhaps some chanting is in order. I love my voice, anyone who knows me knows that. So I chant "Hu" "Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" It feels great, gets my vibration up and my spirit soaring. Hu is another word for God. You can chant anything you like, we're beginners! "Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm" is a good one. Maybe "Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaats" or "Soooooooooooooooooooox" and then when the Pats win the Superbowl and the Sox win the Series you can take credit, you and Hu that is.

Be gentle with yourself!

Okay. Off to do some more writing. I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Love, Light and Laughs

Friday, September 24, 2010

Fearful Friday

Walking around Scottsdale today - okay walking around two supermarkets, it's far too mothafucking hot to actually walk outside - I was trying to figure out what it is about this place I don't like. Something about this place annoys me.

Sure I could go for the easy answers, the aforementioned Saharan heat, the staunch republican views, the just say no to Mexicans policies, but it hit me today. Most folks here are living in scared. Just walking around today it was clear to me. From the elderly couple who nearly pushed over the bread rack to get out of my way while avoiding eye contact, to the woman who scurried past me as I smiled and said hello, to the angry bagel seller mumbled under his breath while never actually addressing my ever-so-witty comments, they were all living in fear.

Now if I live my life, which I try (keyword try) to do, that everything around me is my perfect mirror, I must accept that there is a heap of fear within me. Hell I've known it for along time, I've written about, written about how I was going to change it, and I sit here writing of it again. Perhaps I will do something about it! Perhaps.

At times in my life I've lived courageously, things that scared me, that induced vomit at the thought of doing, I dove into. Not my whole life, but flashes of it here and there. Recent history has seen far less flash, far more fear. Is it age? When did the world get so scary? When did sharing myself get so scary? When did risking looking like a fool get so scary?

I'm not sure, but it did. And I want that to change, because there is not a chance in fucking hell I am moving to Scottsdale.

These little writings I've been posting this week are part of my campaign to face my fears, love them and do what I want to do. Sharing work that hasn't been molded to my exact liking is scary for me. Lots of opportunities to face some old fearful friends and do it anyway.

Thanks for helping me face my fears as I continue to Ramble On.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


An odd peace has started to flow through me. Letting go of some and not fretting about the things still held tightly.

Wants and desires still very much present, yet having them go unfulfilled is not a recipe for dark thoughts. My glasses are not rose colored, perhaps they never will be. I am grateful for what I have, for who I am, for the people in my life.

The Super Ball no longer bounces around in my brain battering me. I have freed myself. More work to be done. Dare I write that I am looking forward to the work, I know it will bring me greater peace, a big slice of happiness.

I do miss. I do reflect back in trying hours, wondering. I'll never know, the ire that the unknowing once delivered left when I wasn't paying attention.

I am transforming. Simple choices and I can open my eyes, look in the mirror and see the man I want to be.

Moments. That is all I have. All any of us have. Why waste those moments on regret and anger? Choices.


Now I choose, to Ramble On.......

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

International Day of Peace

I missed the International Day of Peace. Technically I'd heard of it, but it didn't seem like something I was interested in. And that was telling.

I've not been very peaceful, particularly to myself. Peace? It seems alien right now, and that is something I want to change. I am beginning to practice peace, at home, inside of me. Today I stop the internal wars. Sure a skirmish will flare up from time to time, maybe a nasty battle every no and then. But I am stopping the war, and beginning a plan of reconciliation.

For too long, okay for just the right amount of time, I have been at odds with aspects of myself. Not doing anything to change that, not taking the necessary actions to bring about peace. Today it changes, today I am turning up the peace. It burns a little, yet I know it's good for me. I'm just not used to it. Yet. With practice peace will reign, that is the a beautiful beginning.

Troubled is so last year. I want to lead an untroubled life. Let down my shields and see what is out there.

To continue on the corny cliches, today is the first day of Fall. I know I may fall, I may throw a match on some gasoline and start a wee war. But I will pick myself up and take a beautiful wizz on the fires, I started them I can put them out, and look inside. Look into my heart, where peace always resides. So what if I Fall, it's getting back up that is gives me strength. To quote Batman's Dad - "We fall so we can learn to get back up." Okay it's more of a paraphrase, but it sounds cool, it sounds really cool when Michael Caine says it.

So Happy Belated International Day of Peace. I'm making it a lifetime quest, not just a day. I'm going to celebrate by patting the dogs and watching some cartoons. Bruno is kissing Jolly right now, they are on the Peace Train, I'm on board as well.

I continue to, Ramble On.........

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Stretching Out

The not knowing is what can drive a man crazy. Okay maybe it's just this man. So many are comfortable, relish, the not knowing. I'm stuck in neutral. Not going forward. Hopefully not going backward, so there's a plus.

Stretching my muscles, before I begin this new stroll in life. I do have my shoes tied and my socks pulled up, and I don't want to pull a muscle. Heavens no I don't want to do that.

I'm sure there's a few folk reading theses posts (Hi Sis!) wondering what I am writing about. I'd love to give you an answer, other than the best answer.

I am writing. And sharing the goop. Which is exactly what I needed to do. Perhaps I am just standing in the corner like any other whore.......

LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! I'm so special, you should all just look at me. But don't get too close. And don't look me in the eye. And don't talk to me or of me. Just look at me and bask at my specialness. Sure I sugar coat it in some dribble or some lesson or quaint little story about how you and I are alike, but really isn't this just some stroke piece. The Look at Bitter Project!

No it isn't, but today it feels like that. I'm feeling anyway, which is a good thing. I checked in with world today and I just want to go further out in the desert, away from everyone, mostly myself. But I'm still here and I'm still sharing. So some part of me knows that running is a cowards choice, a choice I've made in the past and no longer serves me.

Sure I am a rambling bumbling incoherent mess, but it's me. Nothing clouding my thoughts but an Oreo or two and Camel.

I feel like whining and I am whining. Knowing how truly blessed I am, and yet I still whine. Painted myself in to a corner, but I do know I'm the guy holding the paint brush. And who cares if I step on the painted floor? Me and only me. I am ready to walk on the paint. Leave my footprints. Isn't that what everyone wants? To create and leave your mark. That's what I want anyway.

I'm just afraid.

Rambling on........

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sock Pulled Up

A freight train bearing down the tracks. No hope of control. The brakes burnt out on the last turn, attempts to slow down. Chug, chug. She's moving out of control. Wondering when and where the abrupt stop will come.

Three days of television have rotted my brain and I love it. Now I know why I don't have television in my home. Boy I'd never leave the couch. Wiping drool from my chin, getting up to shovel more food into my leaking mouth, then back to the couch for more, hmmm, entertainment. Okay some of it's been entertainment, most has been numbing. Drugs???? Man this is the worst drug I can think of using. Okay a speedball and a bottle of whiskey may do more harm to the body, but definitely not more harm to the brain.

Sleeping late and going to bed early. Not exactly what I had in mind when I headed out to the desert.

At least now my shoes are tied and my socks are pulled up. Travel takes some planning and takes some actions before I head out. And we all know how important proper footwear is.

Is God still on my side? Is he still in Love with me? Even when I hate him, even when I question his intentions? Is that the ultimate showing of Love? To love someone who doesn't love you? Then I've lived (loved?) that life, and deserve my reward. For I have loved and not been loved back. Just like God.

No I've not lost my mind. Fuck if I care if I did or not. I just don't want the phone ringing, wondering if I have.

Rambling on.......

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Shoes Tied

Today I start a new path on my journey. I'm not sure where my journey will take me, I'm not even sure where I've been.

I've been avoiding life, avoiding myself, avoiding my purpose, avoiding, avoiding, avoiding....

Motivations come from the most bizarre and embarrassing of places. Why I type tonight makes me sad, makes me angry, makes me feel small. I am choosing in this moments to feel all of those feelings and do something about them. Today I step out of the shadows and begin to wander anew. Focus is needed, but tonight I have none. I just know that I have to start somewhere, so why not sitting on the couch, three dogs by my side.

I am a hack, I have been a hack most of my life. Squandering the gifts I have been blessed with. Never practicing, never really working, skating by. Using the gifts to beat myself and remain entrenched in a malaise of self-righteousness.

I begin. Again.

My life is not where I want it to be, and I've only to take shift my perspective and see that my life is perfect. Tonight I use the hurts, the bumps, the bruises, the heartaches as fuel to fire the great power that is inside of me. The power that is all of us.

I feel like a failure. I feel lost. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel joyful. I feel grateful. I feel, I feel, I feel. I am not the feelings. I'm not sure what I am.

The light that emanates inside of me, that pours into me has been dulled for a long time. Just the perfect amount of time I am sure, but tonight I want to grieve, want to feel not good enough. Feel unlovable, even as my three furry buddies assure me that I am love and loved.

Trudging through this sludge, my blurry eyes begin to clear and I see I need to make some changes. Let go of the past, let go of the future, let go of my hopes and my dreams. Let go. And live.

My path has brought me to the desert, alone with my thoughts, alone with my feelings. The world I have created is not the world I want to live in. So I will make changes, take action so that I may be happy. That is all I want. That feeling seems so far away, a gap that I know I can cross with the smallest of steps. Tonight I have tied my shoes, not ready to take the first step, but gearing up for it.

I ramble on....

Monday, June 7, 2010

Credit Cards: A Love Story Gone Bad

My pardon for not posting earlier, but I've been on the phone. Busy talking with lots of wonderful people asking me for money. Clearly I was mistaken about this whole credit thing. They gave me all this money and now they want me to pay it back?! And by the volume of calls I've been receiving, they really really want me to pay them back. Sooner rather than later.

Let's begin at the beginning, no not the very beginning. More like the middle. The beginning of the end. That's more like it. The beginning of the end of my Financial Freedom. The beginning of "THE DEBT" - soon to be a major minor mini-series which is going to pay off my debt. Then it's back for "Financial Freedom II: New beginnings", or "Fresh Start". Something just cheesedicky enough that people will lap up like a big bowl of milk and will get me on The Oprah to promote it. And once I get on The Oprah I will be good enough.

I owe two credit institutions money. Discover, the crazies from Utah - I'm not even sure they are from Utah*, but the phone calls come from there. I envision of a bunch of blond haired, blued eyed, un-caffeinated polygamists hanging out talking about converting everyone to the Church of Latter Day Saints between leg breaking calls and naps. And the fantastic folks at Citi. Uppity hyper caffeinated New Yorkers who talk about playing squash and weekends gardening at their hideaways in Connecticut. Three different accounts with the Citi folk. I didn't even know one of my cards was with Citi. I do now.

I can't believe how much money these two companies lent me. I haven't had a real job in years. Since 2002 I believe. Really I was in a major funk, lost, unhappy for the most part, certainly not motivated to make a living. Why should I? These companies were telling me it was okay to be depressed, okay not to work. They were rewarding me for it. They just kept upping my credit lines. Juggling from one account to the other. Borrowing money from Citi to payoff Citi. Revolving credit, oh you sweet temptress, how you lured me into your web.

I love talking to these people. I get to practice Wizard School techniques in lieu of telling them to go fuck themselves. The Citi folks especially. God love those brave men and women that go into the collection world for credit cards these days. One of the gals had the audacity to tell me I should move to a cheaper place so I can start paying them off. Great idea, thanks for the advice. Mental midgets flying around on corporate jets from vacation home to vacation home after a hard week in their penthouse office and I should go live with seven other dudes in a three bedroom fixer upper in Palmdale? Right on it ma'am. I'm so sorry to think I deserve my lavish one bedroom apartment in Santa Monica. You're right, I've sinned against you and to hell I should go.**

And you Discover, you're the more demanding lady. You’re the little dog with a big bark. Sure you're both whores, but you were the known whore. Everyone knows you'll sleep around with anyone. Throwing your money around to any schmuck, myself included. And then putting the squeeze on the dupe when he can't pay it back. I knew you were diseased. That's why I used you last. After rolling around with you, my reputation would be sullied. Forgive me I was desperate. The last thing I purchased on credit was a transmission for my Volvo. Yes spending wildly on hookers and eight balls was a bit of a tale I told my mom just to be cool.

Does anyone wonder why these companies went south? Had to take out loans (grafts?) from the Federal Government? I was irresponsible with my credit. Most definitely I was, but these guys were nuts. Or geniuses. What a country. Run yourself into the ground with a heaps and heaps of bad loans and then have the Feds rush in on their magical stallion and save the day. Genius.

Hell I want the Feds to come rescue me from this self imposed burden. Where's my grant Obama? I'm going to school to learn how to operate in this world, how to be a responsible man operating with integrity. I am back and better than ever. I'm writing again. Getting work here and there. Have had a few very loving angels help me out with their generosity to pay my rent, bills and tuition. Getting out from the haze I put myself in soon after a few traumatic events. I am back on my feet. What are the credit card companies doing?

Fifty billion dollars, that's $50,000,000,000.00. That is a lot of zeros that Citi received (please see footnote). Discover considerably less, but still in the billions, yes billions with a B. I didn't even come close to borrowing that and you people call me as many as 15 times a day. How many times a day is Obama calling you? Are you taking the call?. Don't worry, it's okay to duck one when you don't feel like talking. I don't blame you. They have to be calling every minute, every second, multiple calls per second. I hope they are calling, that's taxpayer (read - not me) money. $50,000,000,000.00 I just had to type it again. Wow. It's a little disheartening, I don't feel so special, clearly you were giving a lot of people way too much money. It wasn't just me, sniff, sniff. I thought we had something between us Citi, I thought you'd be different. Classier, more refined than the Discover whores. Nope, spreading your legs all over town. Giving not just to this depressed lounge about, but a whole lot of others. That must be a lot of tacos and Bud. And now you want me to pay you back? Wasn't the dance enough? Time to move on from each other. Wash our hands of this whole relationship. We had some good times. We laughed. We both looked really good. The places we went, the food, the drink, the people. The high life was never easier.

There's no way I am paying these guys back all the money they say I owe. I've been reading up on it, and they don't seem to expect all the money back. Phew. Thousands of dollars in fees and fines and laughable interest rates. Yeah sure I'm going to pay the 29 interest on my debts. Are you high? What's your points on the governmental pie your chewing on? What is the compounded interest on $50,000,000,000.00 a month anyway? That could pay for a few more teachers I bet.

Come on party people the credit rave is over. The ecstasy has worn off, the glow stick has dimmed, it's time to spend what I earn, or less. And the oppressive thumb of credit companies is not going to keep this cowboy down. I'm hung-over from the bad choices we both made. Let's shake hands, say our goodbyes and move on. No walk of shame, but possibly an STD test. We can all hold our heads high, it was a great romp. I'm not paying any additional fees for our bad choices. I'll pay you when I have the money. I’ve even started to a little. Threats be damned. What can you twist my arm with? Take the slightly used transmission from my 1994 Volvo station wagon? She is a beauty I'll give you that, but I'm going to have to borrow your Mercedes to get to work.

Now it's time to get back with our lives. Start doing things that matter to me. And your attempts to put your foot on my throat, to recapture past glories isn't going to work. So stop it. It's embarrassing. And I gotta say, you seem a little desperate. Which is not an attractive quality in anybody.

So thank you for the life lessons. I know you are most welcome for the one's I have taught you. Let's not talk anymore. If you need to say anything just write me. And I'll do the same.

To Financial Freedom for you and me, I bid you a fond farewell,
The Bitter Spiritualist


*I'm not sure of any of my facts or figures, I could have done some research, got some of the facts and figures right, even in the ballpark, but I don't really give a fuck. About facts that is, ballparks that's another story.

** Not that Palmdale is hell. I don't think I've been there, it just seems really hot.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Feedback Fun

Criticism polishes my mirror. - Rumi
A hammer smashes it. - BS

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over the same way and expecting a different outcome. This notion has been with me for as long as I can remember. I heard it first in my youth, either from that manic blonde lesbian and her insanity stopping infomercial, or a relative in the program. And when an Irishman references the program, he means AA.

It dawned on me a short while back that I was a practicing Insanist. I know I am monkey butt nuts, but insane? It surprised me. The realization came to me while looking at a handout from Wizard School. The handout detailed the path to manifesting success. The point that struck me was receiving feedback, adjusting my plan accordingly and taking action. Feedback? Hmmmmmm…..

Feedback wasn’t new to me, just what to do with it. In the past I would store it in my memory bank to use later as a judgment, give a big "fuck you I know it all" response or ignore it entirely. As I’ve detailed I am making strides to venture out of my comfort zone* and into the world, so new skills are needed. Using Feedback to my advantage is a skill that rings a big bell for me.

I could take any number of examples from my prior life, so I'll use none. The Universe kept saying "Hey shithead, this isn't fucking working. Are you happy? Getting what you want? No? How about trying something different, a new approach." I'm not being hard on myself, I do realize life is perfect, even when it sucks sun baked egg salad flavored arse. Yet I had a good run, no, a great run, at ignoring the Universe. She'd write, call, shake, rattle and roll me, but I would just not answer. I was fucking busy being miserable. And for those of you who've not been miserable for long stretches, it takes a lot of time and energy. It's a full time job, and I was working a double shift. Who had time for feedback assessment, I was to busy being a victim of my circumstances.

I was frozen by my thoughts. I am embarrassed to write that I was worried what others thought of me, in the smallest and the biggest of ways. I would lie to myself and others to appear more together, and that would take the wind out of my sails. So I had very little feedback from the Universe. And what I got, I generally ignored and operated out of fear. My world became very small, and I suppose “safe”. By safe I mean the aches and pains were dulled to manageable levels. Exactly what I needed at that time. I need that no longer.

I've been practicing this new skill, actually listening to the feedback and taking actions based on the new information. The key is taking action. To get feedback, I must take action. How can the Universe provide guidance if I am sitting around waiting for something to happen? It can't, trust me. I sat around for years, taking little action and I received little feedback.

Jolly (yes pet names are okay posts at BS), my courageous beautiful Mom's dog is a great example of getting feedback, taking action, getting feedback and trying something else, until in works. He is constantly taking action and seeing what happens. Someone tells him no, or pats him on the head, either way he takes it in and keeps on moving forward, toward his goal. I’m sure his goals aren’t just to drive my Mom bonkers, just to get what he wants. Like sleeping on the couch, or going for a walk, or having a snack, or checking out what’s so interesting atop the dining room table. And he trusts his heart, people give him feedback, and he tries a new way to achieve his goal. Being cute and furry really helps his cause I've noticed.

That is an important point, no not the furry cute part, the part about trusting myself, trusting my heart. The old adage, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, comes to mind. Sure it's all part of the big picture, yet I have to be vigilant on who I share my dreams with. Hopefully they want what is best for me, yet only I know what my heart truly desires. That is not to say I need to be a secret squirrel or ignore what is said, just a realization that only I know what is for my highest good.

My eyes, ears and heart are open to feedback. It comes in all shapes and sizes, it comes to me in every moment from the Universe. I just have to keep looking, continue to be brave, take action, and trust my heart. Knowing that there is no right or wrong, just opportunities to grow and trust. And have fun!!! God have I been taking myself very serious lately, part of the story I am releasing. I am no longer insane, just more and more bananas.

Love, Light, Laughs and Bacon Sandwiches,

*There really isn’t much comfort in a comfort zone. A new name is in order. The terror zone? The numb zone? The walled off shut off obsessive about everything and nothing zone? The unconscious zone? Nope. None of those work. Hmmmmmm......... I'm smelling an opportunity for some reader feedback!

Monday, May 24, 2010

There is Here

For so long I've been looking for something. If I were to put it in one word, I'd have to go with happiness. Sure happiness has many different variations, many different words. Joy. Bliss. Conected. Employeed. In Love. Wealthy. Bacon. Tomorrow. Effevesent.

I want to share today some insight I have learned about myself. It is my hope that you to can apply my learnings to you and your life. If you do not, that's fine as well, I'm filled to the brim with gratitude that you've taken then time to read my words. That is the best gift you could give me.

It was my birthday recently. A milestone, one that I was both dreading and loving. I turned forty. On the one hand I know to the core of my being that my forties are going to be a magical decade. I am going to surrender more fully to who I am and why I am kicking around on planet Earth.

But mostly I dreaded turning forty, because I had such judgment of where I was in life. What I had accomplished. What I had made of myself. Or more precisely, what I had not made of myself. I had such judgment on myself, my life had not turned out the way I had planned. The few plans I had didn't look like the life I had.

I was going to be doing grand things by now. Big important things! I felt small weak somehow less then. I looked deep inside of myself and didn't like what the viewfinder was showing me. I felt a failure. Flopping around life, barely making the ends meet. I wasn't where I wanted to be, I wanted to be there. I'm not sure what there looked like, but I was sure I wasn't there. When I got there then I would be good enough, then I would be able to truly love myself.

Where is there? That was the question that kept popping up on my wind screen. Where and what is this mythical place that I had to arrived at to Love myself. I've found out where there is, I've made the choice where there is.


Right here and now. Full of disappointments and wanting other things I've decide that I can enjoy right here and now. Not to say I don't want to change a few things, but it's time to start reveling all that is me. Why not? The folks I talk to agree that I am lovable and more than enough right here and now. So if I can't believe myself, I'm going on the faith of friends.

It feels good to finally be there, I mean here. Well wherever the fuck I am it feels great.

Love Light and Laughs

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Waka Waka!

I found myself walking in an enormous field in the mountains of Malibu, aware that I was surrounded by fellow hikers, yet feeling disconnected in the silence. Then in a flash of recognition, I was connected again, hearing the song of the Universe gently serenading me. Heat stroke? Sure, I could chalk it up to that, but I'd be lying. A voice telling me I am on the exact perfect path, if I turned off that path, I may not be as filled with joy, but it would be the exact right path once again.

Driving up the PCH to Point Mugu State Park for SpiritWalk, a benefit fundraising hike for Wizard School, I was in the weeds. Feeling isolated and judging, bouncing from one thought to the next, I set a few intentions and chose to open my heart up to the experience. Friendly faces greeting me, I was ready for a hike. Connecting in with classmates and fellow hikers, I was feeling footloose and fancy free.

After a nice stroll through the Malibu scenery chatting with friends, I came upon a beautiful trigger, an old story I was ready to release. The hike brought a new level of understanding to this dynamic, but no closure. Closure will come when I am ready, when all the lessons I need to explore are exorcised. What Sunday brought was a deeper knowing that they are my lessons alone, that the dynamic was solely in my lap. Judgments and Self Righteousness do nothing to further my growth, my understanding of me and my life. It was a funny gift, and God has a wicked sense of humor, of that I am grateful.

This understanding lead me to this magical field, where the silence gave me such a knowing that I do have all of the answers to my questions. Some big picture stuff, yet it is only fear that keeps me from truly owning the knowing. With tears of Gratitude in my eyes, I began to climb, to kick up my heart rate while the Pacific came into focus. This brilliant blue well inviting me to connect, to release and to renew. Which is what I did, sitting down with my notebook, connected, the words, not truly mine, flowing from my pen, I was awash in gratitude, in a profound understanding of the the perfection of this moment. A knowing that future moments would be as perfect, if only I would breathe deeply and check in to the silence. Something I knew I would and would not do.

Thank you to all of my very generous friends. Some of you donated to my school, all of you donated to me. For that I am so very thankful, it means the world to me. Wizard School is not for everyone, the magic they teach hogwash to some, but friendship means everything to me. And your donations are yet another reminder that I am doing a few things oh so right this time around, for I have an amazing cadre of friends. Thank you!

SpiritWalk was a day filled with friends, fun and heaps of laughs. I had a great time, the icing on the cake of some comfort zone pushing fundraising. That is what I look forward to doing more and more each day, pushing my comfort zone. Facing fears, diving in and saying yes. Happy Five of May to you all. It certainly has a better ring to it when said in Spanish.

Thank you!

PS: Please note that although there are photos of me out there sans my Fozzie suit, I did hike in my bear costume, as per the agreement signed with my generous donors. Waka Waka!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Greetings from Shangri La -

I've been scuffing my feet on the floor, not writing to you all in the past few weeks. For that I apologize.

This has been a bit of a zany time for me, lots of learning, lots of avoiding, just lots..... At times I've literally been pulling the covers over my head and hiding out. And I've been okay with that. More and more I am trusting my process, trusting that I have where I am is where I am supposed to be. It came to me in one of those moments of crystal clear knowing - The Aha Moment.

I am not anyone else but me. Can't even begin to be someone else, so why not make strides to be good at who I am. I'm not sure who this person is, but I'm okay with that. In fact that is exactly part of who I am, someone who is not sure, who looks deeply. Aha!

In the past I'd been spending a great deal of time and energy beating myself up for not knowing exactly who I am. Exactly why I am here or what I want. Who's voice was it I began to wonder. Who was beating me up for not knowing, for not having it all figured out. And what was that voice doing to help figure it out.

The voice was clearly my own. What it was doing to help? Well it got me to the point where I didn't want to listen to it anymore. So I stopped. Aha! And when I take that pressure off, things just start to bubble inside. Aha!

I've spent my whole life trying to be somebody else. Maybe not somebody else, but a shiner version of me. I want to stop that. I am in the process of stopping that. Starting to love the journey, not waiting to get to some destination then let the loving begin.

Per usual I'm not making any sense today, but I can love that I've made another attempt at moving forward, taken some action and given myself another Aha opportunity.

Life is all Aha moments, is it not? I'd been waiting around til I had it all figured out, then it dawned on me. The day I have it all figured it out is more than likely the day I leave this planet. So why am I waiting around? Well I could give a heap of reasons, but let's just call it fear. I'm starting to really enjoy life in Aha mode. Steps big and small that make me go Aha, there's another key, there's another piece to the puzzle, there is something I didn't know and it is furthering me along the path.

It's been fun. It's been frustrating. It's been life. Beautiful magical life.

I'd not posted in a bit and then kept myself from posting this week because I wanted it to be deep, and meaningful, and shiny. Well this is none of the above. It's me, figuring things out. It's what BS started out as and will continue to be. The ramblings of a madman. Now a madman with more Aha's!

So posting today was an Aha! I'll call it a win even.

Love, Light, Laughs and Ahas,

Monday, April 19, 2010

Bitter Spiritualist Unplugged

My Faithful Legions!

Today I start five days of Wizard School. I felt inspired to share with you. I am excited to go deeper into the BS, find out more of who I am and release all that no longer serves me.

I am valiantly making attempts to not project any outcomes, to simply be and co-create with the Universe. I have set intentions, which are different from controlling some outcomes. I do know that I am a seeker, and today as simply as I can put it I am seeking happiness.

So wish me luck. Send me love and light. And have fun while I'm gone.

And so we all can celebrate our continued success. The BS is happy to report we are up to over $25 of earnings. Impressive. I will be making this a weekly report. It makes it real for me, and from what I am hearing to you, my faithful legions. I will be refraining from my shameless overtures to click on to my advertises and will be going about it in a new way. By being open to you all with how we are doing, and that is a promise I will keep. Even when the BS is making thousands of dollars a week, I will continue to share with you all. We are partners in this experiment after all.

Have some fun while I'm gone! Do things you love to do. Tell someone you love them. Do it for me if you can't muster up the strength to do it for you.

Love and Light to you all, I remain,

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Fuck You God - Maintenance Work

Dear God -

Fuck you. I hate you. Nice work. Proving to yourself that you are all powerful? That insecure are you? Well I am here and not going anywhere. I ache all over. I want to rip my heart out of my chest, it hurts too much. But I can take it, is this best you can do?

I cry out in pain and you let me struggle and strain and resist on my own. You abandon me?! Is that your way of saying I'm ready for the next level of healing? That I am strong enough now to go deeper, to explore more of why I am here and how I operate? Another reminder to let the ego go and get to my authentic self. Great. I guess I didn't get the memo and you needed to bash me over the head. Thanks.

Yeah yeah I hear you. I'll do the fucking work. The work I wasn't doing. Thanks for the getting me back to work. Happy? I love the salt you've thrown on to the wounds. It's perfect. A little spice is always nice. I've got some other ways you can hurt me, but you seem to be doing a great job without me, so I'll just get to work. Prick.

With love and a healthy dose of anger,

It's not all sunshine and lollipops at the BS headquarters today. I suppose the note above to God may have clued you in to that. I know God has not abandon me, I know she's always with me. I'm just a wee be in upset, so I thought I'd let her know I'm on to her and her antics. (She continues to push my buttons, even as I write this she is smacking me in the chops. Spiteful bitch.)

It's been a sad scary past few days for me. And the old devices to mask the pain aren't working anymore. God knows I've been trying to salve the open wounds. I've tried a few beers; herbal remedies; manipulating folks to take away the pain; and none of those things are working anymore. It's just me here with a heart full of pain and a head full of venom. I want to take away the hurt and suck the poison from my thoughts.

Fuck me. It's time to roll up my sleeves and get to work.

Maintenance work. The nitty gritty nuts and bolts WORK that I know I need to do to heal these aches. It's time to open up my tool box and use some of the tools I have. Tools I've shared with you. Today is a day of great beauty through the pains. It's a day where I can take charge of my life and not blame, not someone else and not myself. Today is a day of opportunities. An opportunity to wake up from my nap and take charge. Prove to myself that I do have all that I need right here inside of me.

Fuck yeah it sucks in this moment. And I will more than likely have more days like this, days where I forget to use my tools, days where resistance gets the better of me. Days of autopilot numbness. I loathe the "Oh it's all so perfect, each moment is exactly what we need as we grow in the loving" types. It may be true, but life ain't easy all the time, so sell your Hallmark greetings somewhere else. This is Bitter Spiritualist Country, we learn by falling down and getting back up. They have their own path, from where I stand in my judgment, they can blow it out their ass. With love of course, always with love. Fuckheads. Yes today is a beautiful day, and yes today is a day I want to smack someone in the chin to share my pain.

So I encourage you, the BS faithful to use your tools and not wallow in misery and feeling sorry for yourself. Yes I've written it before - all the advice and genius words of wisdom here are true BS. Truly they are for me. I just like to share my thoughts and feelings with you all for some sick holier-than-thou narcissistic reason. And I'm not ready to look into that. I worry that once I do, I'll stop writing to you all and I know you all crave my brilliance too much for me to pull the rug out from under you. I'm not a spiteful god, I am a humble god.

I am signing off and taking the opportunity to open up my tool box. First thing is an anger letter, I'm going to write a note, get all these things out of me, on to some paper then burn the fucker. Send it back to where it came. If I'd done that before this post then I'd probably have written to you about puppies. (Puppies are cute and lovable! There I've written all that needs to be written about puppies.) So I've used my anger as fuel - Great job. Then I'm going to practice some more positive self talk to remind myself I am doing great things for myself. Maybe even write myself a permission slip and have some fun.

I am going to trust and move forward. I am going to use my tools. Hey I might even find some fun if I'm not too careful. Yes I highly recommend you look back at some of my old posts and see if anything resonates with you and your process - AND CLICK ON SOME OF MY ADVERTISERS SO I CAN CONTINUE TO RACK UP THE BUCKS. See even in my despair I am now hustling to create a richer fuller life. And a shameless plug or two never hurt anyone.

To you and your daily upkeep, I remain,

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Choices or Step Back and Let Me Kiss Myself

Greetings From The Asylum -

I'm at a loss today what to write about. I was going to opine about the brilliance of Gratitude in my life, then I checked and damned if I've not written ad nauseum about Gratitude. It's a good one, I'll grant you that, but I wanted to be fresh and original. So I'm going to write about choices, yes it's my choice to write about choices.

Every morning I wake up and I have a choice, a series of choices really, but the day starts with one. Am I going to surrender to the moment, look at the world through the eyes of love and be grateful for this day. Or am I not. Some days it's easier than others. Some days I wake up, my neck is sore, my bills aren't paid, the dog needs to go out, the apartment is a mess, nobody loves me, God is picking on me. Ahhh those days are grand, because it makes my choice that much easier. Am I going to chose to be in my head and out of my heart? Am I going to chose to be a miserable cunt or am I going to chose to be free to discover what each moment brings me?

More and more I am choosing to be in my heart, in my loving, in a place of wonder and surprise for the next moment. Not worried about the future or the past, simply focused on the here and now. I can hear you now, my loyal readers, saying it's easy for you but you don't know what I'm going through, how hard my life is. Okay maybe it's me trying to con me and now you guys.I hear you, sure I don't know what you are going through, nor do I know how hard your life is. Yet what I do know is that every moment is a choice. It's that simple, and that difficult.

Now you might be asking yourself by this point, what is this feller trying to say today. Well I'm not sure, and that's the point. I chose to get myself up and out and do a little writing today, and I thought I would start my writing by writing to you. You guys inspire me. I inspire me. So to finish off my little rambling this morning I'm going to share with you a tip someone gave me to quell the voices, a tip to make love the easier choice today and everyday.

Tell yourself you love yourself. Yes this comes easy to some, but it did not to me. As much as I ramble on here about how great I am, I've had this block about the simple act of telling myself I love me. It was work, but it was a job worth doing. Now when the voices of doubt, of fear, in whatever form they show up in start to murmur I simply stop and say "I love you Bitter" "Bitter I love you" And I repeat those words, sometimes even holding myself. "I love you Bitter" "Bitter I love you". Yes I know how foolish this seems, I know how self indulgently narcissistic it can appear, but why not. Why not remind myself that I am love and loved? Why not? Give me one good reason why not? Hey I can give you a hundred funny reasons not to, but not one good reason why I shouldn't.

And you know what? It's working. I find myself making more loving choices, more self honoring choices. And it's so simple, one you get over the comedic aspect of it and the "oh my god am I really that full of myself" aspect, it's easy.

So thanks for reading today, pointlessly pointed this morning. But I chose to write. And I chose to love myself. And those aren't bad choices to start the day. So give it a try. Tell yourself you love yourself. Do it often. And chose to be in the moment, chose to be who you are and love who you are. I know I love you, yes even you, you know, the really unlovable reader. Because you aren't really unlovable. Stop telling yourself that fable, and start telling yourself the truth. You are love and lovable.

I'm off (my rocker and this post).

Bitter I love you. I love you Bitter.

Love, Light, and Laughs

Monday, March 15, 2010

I Surrender!!

Today I am surrendering. Not like some eclair eating Frenchman who cons himself into loving strudel. Nor am I pretending to have won, like the the French in Southeast Asia. Okay it was the US, fine you pinko commie loving bastard, but the French started that one. I digress before I even begin.

Today I surrender, I realized the battle I was fighting was not necessary. It's been a long drawn out campaign. There's been death and destruction. Noses bloodied. Feelings hurt. Tears shed. Remarkably with all this pain and suffering it's not made the evening news. This has been a covert operation, an insidious campaign to wreak havoc. Like most wars this was a foolish fight over a simple misunderstanding. I being the bigger man, the better man, am simply walking away from this fight. It's easy to surrender today to my brilliant opponent, because I am surrendering to myself. I am laying down my arms, arms that were used to terrorize myself, and wrapping those arms around myself. Make Love Not War!

The past month, okay the majority of my life, has been a constant internal battle. Beating myself up for what I've done and what I've not done. At the start of this weekend, a Wizard School weekend, I was ready to bring the battle out and start blaming others. A piece of me was going to head into class Friday night, call out my teachers for being uncaring unsupportive frauds then walk out in a blaze of glory. It would have been quite a show, but I used my Wizarding tools took in a deep breath and decided to take a look at who actually was was doing the terrorizing.

Yup it was me. Damn this personal responsibility. It would have been much more entertaining to tell my very loving teachers to go fuck themselves. I imagine it would not have been the first time they've heard it, but I can guarantee I would have taught them a few new words. So deep breath taken, I sat down for my first process Friday night filled with venom, filled with hate, for myself and for my school, the root of all of my woes. And an angel sat in front of me, loving me right where I was and offered me a wee piece of wisdom.

Give up the fight, and simply love myself.

Huh? Where's the drama? Where's the carnage? Where's the blood, sweat and tears? I don't need them? Huh indeed. The remainder of my weekend was filled with brilliant explorations, courageous learning and the opportunity to bask in the collective glow of some radiant beings.

My post last weekend still holds true, I am marching forward, armed with military metaphors. I'm just doing it with new motivation, a new look. When I meet the enemy within, lets call him resistance today, I am going to surrender to him and love him. I've done it in the past and it worked quite well. Then I choose to ignore what worked and go back to some small arms fire, poking hole after hole in me. I had bled myself dry, I was out of gas and not happy. Part of me went back to those old habits of self-terrorizing for two reasons, it's what I was accustomed to, and I couldn't truly believe that the more productive and constructive way was so easy. Life is supposed to be hard?

I may be seemingly making light or war and of terrorism, but I am not. I truly believe with all my heart, that the wars we fight within ourselves are very real and just as damaging as the external battles. Nor do I make light of the pains inside of each of us, we all have our own path, or own experiences. I'm just choosing the path of love, not war. If the leaders in this world looked inward to their own battles, maybe we'd have a lot less death and destruction in the world. Far be it for me to say that the war in Iraq is just an angry dry drunks' attempt to exorcise his own personal demons on a country. Again this is an experiment, like all of my posts, all of my words of, uhhmmm, wisdom. I didn't get much that I wanted to get done last month with my steely resolved and harsh words. Only a bloodied nose and a very bruised ego. So this month I am setting beautiful intentions and using my nice words. I deserve a cheerleader, and why not be one for myself. No uniform needed.

Why don't you try it with me? You my brilliant amazing powerful magical fans. Be your own cheerleader. My favorite from my high school days - and sitting on the bench you learn all of them - is: S-U-C-C-E-S-S! THIS IS HOW WE SPELL SUCCESS! Come on try it at home or in your office. Just give it a go, you don't even have to stand up and flail your arms. Just sit there and cheer yourself on. For whatever it is you need to cheer. We are all cheer worthy. We are all worthy of loving ourselves. No mater what! Yes no matter what. Whatever seemingly unlovable thing you've done or not done, you are worthy of your love. And a cheer.

As always I want to thank you all for your love. For your support. And for your cheers. Each and everyone of you has touched me. And that love, in all it's forms, has helped me to surrender. Surrender to myself and surrender to this perfect moment.

My struggle reminded me of a beautiful poem by the late great Shel Silverstein, so I thought I'd share it with you -


I will not play at tug o' war
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses
And everyone grins
And everyone cuddles
And everyone wins.

Today is a win. A big win. I love you all. And want you to be a S-U-C-C-E-S-S. And remember success is only a feeling.

Thanks for reading.

Love, Light and Laughs,

Monday, March 1, 2010

Marching Orders - Ready! Fire! Aim!

Happy March -

I woke today early, I feel some change in the air. Tis a good thing. I've been going back and forth since the beginning of the year, one minute fully committed to my life, the next tapping out, valiantly attempting to put things on hold. In the past I've made grandiose claims about doing this and doing that, hyping myself up and often times out of the moment. I am choosing to be fueled by this moment, sitting here outside my coffee shop, Jolly at my feet, watching the world stroll by. Why would I want to be in any other moment?

It dawned on me this morning as I left the house that today was the first day of March. The most actively named of all the months. Funny I was born in May, May - Such a not-so-sure month. Now March, that has some bite to it. So I am actively giving myself some marching orders, I am marching in to this moment, relishing each and every one of them. Even the shitty ones. They are, after all, opportunities to learn and grow, if I chose to look at them that way. I am.

So today I am starting a new experiment in Marching, a whole lot less thinking, more marching. More activity, I don't know how it will look, what in fact I am doing (I think that's always clear), but today I start being more active. I need to continue to shake things up, take a more active role in this life I am living. No coincidence that I start March by heading out to the coffee shop so I could buy tickets for my Half Dome hike at the end of May. Active!

This is like a new year for me, with much less hype. If I am truly living in the moment, then why not have a new year at the beginning of a new month? No reason at all not to go for it, recommit to my beautiful life. Why don't you join me? You know what you need in your life, what you want to be marching toward (yes the marching metaphor is starting to annoy me as well, but I am going with it). I have goals, processes, things to do, places to be both outward and inward, things I've been "thinking" about, well fuck it, I am going to start, and some cases, continue to be active.

Again it all started this morning, lying in bed, thinking about getting out of it. Thinking about getting up to get those passes to scale a granite wall. Thinking about it accomplished nothing, getting up and doing it, got me those tickets. A small step, but life is all small steps that often lead to great leaps. Of this I am sure. I know for me I need to pull the trigger more often, Ready! Fire! Aim! In the past I spent so much time aiming that I didn't even bother to fire. I need to start shooting wildly, it's what my soul is crying out for. My brilliant active brain can come along for the ride, I'm not disowning it, I'm just disallowing it from holding so many meetings. It would rather sit around and talk about doing something than actually doing it, well it's time for some changes.

I invite you to join me in taking some actions in your life. Where do you want to make a change? March in to this moment. Spring is in the air and in my step. It may not seem life that for my readers outside of Southern California, but here winter, or what we call winter, is ebbing. The flowers are in bloom, people are starting to wake from their long winters nap. Okay I can't write long winters nap while living in Santa Monica. More like a quick nod off, but we do have winter, sort of.

I know not where or what this active month of March looks like, I just decided this new experiment this morning, but instead of thinking about it I choose to get out, go for a walk and share my idea with you. If I thought about it, boy could I come up with some holes in my theory. Oh well, trigger pulled, my aim may be off, but my intention is sound. Let's see where it hits.

Thanks again as always for reading. I'm loving this journey from Bitter to Sweet.

Love, Light and Laughs

PS from BS: The pic atop this post is the world famous Jolly. He is partly responsible for my March experiment. A true liver and lover of the moment. Amazing how much I am learning from the little Buddha, one of those things is, don't over think things. Sure you may find your nose it shit somedays, but you never know until you give it a sniff.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Do What You Love! If not for you, do it for me.

This weekend I was the recipient of beautiful gifts from some unbelievable friends. This weekend I gave myself some very helpful insights into my Self, my process and what it means to be of service in this world. We are, for better or worse, in it together, this magical murky yet very tasty soup called life. My life became a little richer, a little creamier, this weekend thanks to friends sharing their hearts, sharing what they love to do, with the world, and more importantly, with me. This my friends is what I believe is vital that we all do, in sharing our hearts fully, we are not only honoring ourself, we are giving those around us permission to do the same, permission to live a life filled with love, filled with joy, filled with Spirit. And it can fucking rock your world.

Wizard School has given me many amazing presents, one of the biggest is my project team, Team Bad Ass. My TBA teammates share with me all the time, in meetings, phone calls and in beautiful notes of support. We are together to assist one another in being successful with our Wizard School Year Two Project, a project of manifesting a heartfelt dream into reality. All three of them brought pieces of their heartfelt projects out of the test kitchen and into action, and I was blessed to witness all three of them shine so brightly. And that made my heart soar. That I believe is why it is so important that we all follow our hearts, our crazy beautiful seemingly nonsensical hearts. For if you are true to your heart, you give others directions to their own hearts. I for one tried valiantly to cover mine up at points this weekend, but I sit here now, the rain just starting to play her song outside my window and do what my heart loves to do. Thank you TBA!

My weekend of heart filled fun started on a very tasty note. Friday night brought me to TBA member The Optimists' home for a dinner party. She's worn many hats over the past year that I've got to know her - a super mom, a brilliant woman, funny, successful, a talented writer, a generous and loving ear, all of these things I am feel blessed to have in my life, but her light shined this weekend in the kitchen. Sure there are many facets to her I could write of, but this weekend, as I've experienced in the past, her light shined to mega-wattage sharing her culinary gifts with me and some friends. To be fed like a king, surrounded by magical classmates, I felt so loved, so nurtured. Are there two better gifts someone can give, Love and Nurturing? I think not. You can see that love of cooking as she glides through her kitchen, the praise she received from all the guests the simple manifestation of her joyfully sharing from the hearth (hey an oven joke!).

Sunday morning I found myself behind the wheel driving out to the desert, such a peaceful ride, gratitude cleared my path, making the trip a meditation on my amazing life. I was driving to see two TBA mates shine their lights doing what they love to do. First off was The Bedazzler, a singer, who's voice I've only known as a gentle guide in our team meetings and a force in our class room, sharing of herself with us freely and openly, I'd never heard her sing. Today I was blown away as she sung The National Anthem. She was so dope, I mean rad, both terms I've learned from her, both very positive. I can't wait to hear her sing some good songs. Hey I love this country, but I can think of half a dozen songs I'd chose before that one. But she knocked it out of the park, singing in a shack, on a wind swept hillside at the start of race day. Because Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!, is race day. And The Bedazzler started the day with her angelic voice and her inspirational heart, the crowd may not have been able to put their finger on it, but I saw it and heard it. She shared her gifts, she shared her heart, and they were touched, they were ready to race. They were also ready to have her back every month to share and sing, she is the new track songstress.

A race Crazy Hair, the final TBA member, does really well. In full disclosure, the track announcer gave me his nickname, and it is a positive projection as I sit here typing with a six inch afro. Crazy Hair races motorcycles and watching him slip down the straight away at 115 miles an hour, kicking his knee out and leaning the bike onto it's side to turn, you know he is connected to Spirit. Or he's a lunatic, and knowing him, his generous powerful heart, I know he's not crazy, well not suicidal crazy anyway. He seems to become one with the bike and the track. I knew he was gifted, but I had no idea how fluid, how, dare I write, beautiful it was to watch him shine. He's good. I know nothing of racing, but I do know finishing three hundred yards in front of the next guy is good. I asked someone at the track is Crazy Hair really as good as he seems to be. His simple reply "Yes" said it all. Later as we walked through the pits I noticed I was in the presence of a heart centered racing rock star, his heart wide open, people gravitated toward him for a word or two, all left with a smile and a wee skip in their step. It almost, almost, made me cool by proxy.

I love my team. I can't believe how lucky I am to get to spend time with these three amazing beacons of light. We are so similar and so very different. We are all in each others lives for brilliant reasons, some clear, some will reveal themselves as time goes on. I love them dearly, and I was so honored to be invited in to their worlds this weekend and watch them shine.

Saturday night I experienced something truly profound, I went to a Kirtan lead by a Wizard School classmate, The Yuppie Yogi. He's not a TBA member, but I won't hold that against them. We all can't be members of Team Bad Ass, it would be a logistical nightmare.

For those of you not living in the fantasy world I call Santa Monica, you may be asking - What the fuck is Kirtan? I've asked myself that question a few times, and I'd been to one years ago. It'd been calling my name for a long time. I resisted for various reasons, reasons I won't go into, but will chalk up to ego. Kirtan simply put is chanting. To paraphrase Yuppie Yogi's answer, kirtan is a practice that gets you out of your head and into your heart, chants of devotion, celebrating and honoring God. Well God in her many funny sounding Indian incarnations - Shiva, Ghovinda, Hare, Krishna, Jai Ma - Nope not a Jesus anywhere. I could do some research on it, I may, but as you know, lack of knowledge has never stopped me from writing about something. It's Indian chanting, accompanied by music. And what musicians they were. I was so affected by their melodies, the planets seemed to come into alignment, I came into alignment. I had a blast, part mediation, part yoga, all God. Led by the Yuppie Yogi, who's voice and musical talents swept me away, brought me into my heart and out of my head. I took a two hour journey, going places magical and unexpected. I was hooked.

So do what you love to do. Do what makes your heart sing. Do it for yourself most importantly. But do it for those around you. Be brave, take the risk and be an inspiration. This weekend taught me that the greatest gift anyone can give to another is be true to your heart. This weekend I got to see God in action. Truly that is the clearest way I can describe watching people do what they love to do. Being around people as they let their light shine brightly, not to get the ego stroked, not to be the best or the worst. Doing what they love for that very reason, because they love it.

I struggle with this notion myself, I am getting better at it, but it's still a work in progress. So this afternoon as I post this story, I am honoring my heart. Words make my heart sing. My hope is that maybe this story will inspire another to listen and trust their heart, share it, but I've no attachment to it. In simply following my own advice, in following my heart, I feel lighter, I feel a bit more whole. Wow - I feel happy. So before I fuck this feeling up by second guessing, by some old pattern, I am going to hit publish and move on to some more writing.

I'll be back again this week for sure!

Love, Light and Laughs

Friday, February 5, 2010

Acceptance Through Rejection - A Story of Love and Courage - Now With Less Victim! (But still heaps of nauseating self importance)

Greetings from the Asylum -

Life is funny. God is funnier. They both can be annoying, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Today I write this story for (hopefully!?) the last time so I can move on to new stories. I've been stuck and this post, originally penned in September, has been wanting it's moment in the sun. It's been rewritten, like myself, since then, but the story remains the same, a story of my heart, a story of love. Six months after the original draft it's a great barometer about how far I've traveled and how much my heart remains the same.

It's a story about a girl. About a boy loving a girl. About a boy loving a girl who's really not that into him. About a boy trusting his heart and trusting the beauty and the magic of life. It's a story of Acceptance Through Rejection. (And people wonder why I am Bitter?) I will tell this story as best I can through a Wizard School handout on Acceptance so that I can use this experience as an opportunity to anchor in the learning, share and celebrate.

This handout details the stages of Acceptance of an event.

Step One in Acceptance is the what, the thing that happened, the story - that's the boy loving a girl bit. Wednesday night I found myself in the lobby of Wizard School for a night of magic and wonder, otherwise known as a Wizard School sales pitch showcase. In the exact same place she stood last September, was the woman I love, the woman who in August I'd asked to marry me (her answer is clear I believe). The original drafts of this story went on about how special this love is, about the magic we share. I've edited those out, not because they aren't true, but six months of clarity inducing wizarding has given me a greater bullshit (ego) detector.

My September spotting was a trigger, I shut off, my heart sank, tears welled, I began to judge. I'm happy to report Wednesdays spotting was with an open heart and the cracks of a smile on my face. We embraced, said our hellos, we moved on (her as always seemingly easier than I, ahhh the ego). This is the point in September where I find out the guy she's schtooping is one of the graduate success story speakers (Great! Thanks God, you fucker.), February brought me none of those fantastic tidbits of information. She sat beside me (well the shut off angry version of me) in September, she sat in front of me on Wednesday.

Which brings us to Stage Two of Acceptance, Neutral Observation. I am happy to report that this came so easy to me the other night, I never had to get there, for I was residing there, curious as to why God had brought this event back around for another gander. In September it was through blood, sweat, tears and clearly an intervention from God that neutrality, the ability to observe and not wallow, came to me. Back then I felt awful, retreating inward, shutting myself down to keep myself small, wrong, unworthy...you get the idea. Wednesday night I felt connected to Spirit and dare I write happy, happy with me and happy to see her.

Both evenings, this Observation was a reminder to me of what my heart wants. Of why I love this woman. The connection was there for me, a beautiful light of connectivity, of true magic. My perfect mirror, both of us basking in the Light, as we simultaneously pulled out our notebooks (she now writing in my brand I and my ego observed, earlier it was some frilly chick notebook), jotting down thoughts and ideas. Happened both nights. September I observed her private smiles and girlish I'm boning that guy giggles to the man she was dating (they date no longer); Wednesday I observed her rubbing her two friends, doing a little energy work on them both. One of them (the one I don't know) giving a little energy work back in the form of the thigh rub/pinch move time and again, not that I, the enlightened egoless being, would notice such things. For that would make me human. And truth be told, it doesn't really matter, but it is funny.

Very easily I moved into Stage Three of Acceptance, responding from my Authentic Self, from my truth, from my heart. I Accepted that I Love this woman. That she is the one I want to share my life with, the person I want to kiss in the morning, share my day with and hear about her day, the person I want to create with, and her warm breath the last thing I feel before I fall asleep. Waves of compassion and peace flowed over me. It was beautiful, waves of Love, waves of knowing, waves of, yes, Acceptance flowed through me. She gently rested her head on my shoulder in September, February it was her reaching out to hold hands, that spark that I know to be true, flowed through me.

In September my Acceptance stopped there, I wasn't ready to move on. The whole post was another tap dance for her to see me, now I realize it was me not seeing me, I do now. I Accept more and more of me. This week brings a new level of acceptance, acceptance that takes much more courage. Accepting that she and I together may not be part of God's beautiful dance. I've said it, written it and wished it, but now I accept it. Sure it hurts. Part of me doesn't even believe it to be true, but I accept that. I am accepting me and this situation, just as it is, not as I want it to be. Accepting and Loving me.

Which leads to the final stage, Stage Four for those of you keeping track at home, of Acceptance. Actions and Choices. I am clear that I will not settle for anything but what my heart really wants. I am so clear on that, in all of life’s uncertainties, it’s nice to be clear on that. So I will walk away from her, let her live and Love, and I will do the same. No restrictions, no judgments, simply choices. And I will continue to Love her and use that Love to take more actions, make more choices. Self honoring, self loving choices for me and me alone. Knowing that these choices are choices to Accept myself more fully, Accept and Love who I am. Clearly God thinks I can not do it with her by my side.

After my September experience, I wrote this story, but found I couldn't post it and found myself going back to her, using her even when she wasn't physically there. I would set some weak boundary, and it soon would be broken. I would re-accept her Facebook friend request (Gasp!) and start another of our beautiful conversations. I'd start right back in, believing that if only I did this I could change her heart. I was living a fantasy. It was heart aching, it was sad, it was a wee pathetic. It aches my heart, but not as much as not being true to my heart. I don't want to be her buddy, and that's what it seems she wants. Since my brilliant August proposal the one where she said thanks but no thanks, I've attempted to gain clarity on what she wants out of us, but realize it's not really about what she wants, it's about what I want. And what she was willing to give was not what I want. Maybe someday I will be ready to be pals who check in from time to time. Maybe someday she will be ready to commit to she and I being an Us. Now with my new level of Acceptance, with a new level of courage, I can and will move on.

And that is what courage means, being true to your heart. It came to me in a meditation of sorts immediately prior to seeing her this week. Then a not so subtle reminder was hammered home in a video taped message from an author as part of the presentation. That video helped me two years ago decide to go to Wizard School. Last class weekend the woman from the video came up to me to sing my praise and offer me a wee bit of authorly advice. I couldn't believe she was there in class, couldn't believe she singled me out and couldn't believe she was speaking to me again, via video tape, this week. She was talking of courage and at it's root it means from the heart (from the French word for heart, Coeur). I told you God is funny.

This courage may not be the stuff of action movies, but it is a big step for me. Sharing my heart on a deeper level with myself and with you. Realizing that courage is not hiding my heart, not being "tough", but rather being sweet (see Bitter to Sweet) and open and loving. Sure my ego did resist that, just ask the two college kids who cut me off in the Ralphs parking lot that I threatened to slap, after I walked away from my new definition of courage to get some Ben & Jerry's - Hey it's better thank a cigarette and some dope!

The courage to say I do have an ego. The courage to trust my heart. The courage to say if you don't like it, I hear you. Hello or Goodbye. And that's what I've done. Said goodbye. I wrote this love letter before and didn't have the courage to post it. Now I do, the courage to say hello to my heart, the courage to say goodbye to my love, the courage to accept the beauty and the sorrow of life. And Love them both.

So I love a woman. Big deal, lots of people have loved and lost. I know this, I accept this. In that meditation, the one about courage, what I had discovered was a fear of being seen as a coward. A misunderstanding I created that to know and show my heart was weak. A base fear, a fear that I believed on some level to be true, that I was weak and that I was a coward. Not easy things to look at, not easy things to share. So I am treating this post as an example that I am not a coward. A sucker in love maybe, but not a coward. It that gives me more strength to dig deeper, to reveal and heal. That however sappy I can be, I am brave. Brilliantly deranged, but brave.

I do want to thank my friends, you know who you are. The one's I bitched to in my victim state about how wronged I was. It wasn't true, it was perfect. How much I love a girl who just wasn't that in to me. It was exactly what I needed. She loved me, she loves me, it wasn't meant to be, there's no need to judge or resent, not to protect me anyway. I am moving on, done playing the victim poor me role, moving on with a song in my heart. You were good sports, great friends, and for that I am filled with gratitude. You may never have understood my love, you may have even tried to call me crazy, but I know you always loved me. That is something I cherish, something I hold sacred.

And I will take a moment to thank her (funny the whole post and no nickname) in the silence (and apparently on the internet). She got me to Wizard School, and now God has pushed me from the nest so I may fly. I Love her today more than ever, and I accept that, and move forward. Knowing. I don't fully understand why I love her so, I don't fully understand why she has always resisted my love, but I am done trying to understand, I am accepting and moving on. I am surrendering to my life and my beautiful process, and diving deeper into the river's current, seeing where it takes me next. So to you, Lady, I write the five words that sum it all up - Thank You. I Love You.

My love letters continue, now they are to God and to you lucky pricks. I release this story so I may reconnect to The Great Story In The Sky. Thank you for reading. Thank you for Loving.

Love, Light and Laughs

PS: Next post I will write about the mediation technique that helped me get this story posted. I call is Write and Burn. It's got tears and fire, perfect for boys and girls!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Jolly Tuesday To You


Been a busy week here at the home office. Two pieces of news to report before the rain comes, so I'll make it quick.

First I had a brilliant learning opportunity on Thursday. Yes my streak of not getting high came to an abrupt end. I had a weak moment on Wednesday and texted my connection. He said he'd be around later. Well I did some great things, reached out to a friend and didn't get high on Wednesday. I even wrote to you all about being strong, and about not getting high and about how I wasn't going to con you, or myself. It was beautiful, heartfelt and I truly meant every word of it. The white knuckle part was over and I was on the other side. I went to bed, happy with myself.

Then Thursday afternoon rolled around and my connection contacted me again, a series of miscommunications. Him not understanding I didn't want anything, and a text glitch. I literally got six text from him telling me he was around. It was a sign I said and I went out and scored a little hooch. And I smoked it and initially I liked it, then I hated it. I hated that it clouded over my heart and mind. But I didn't beat myself up, and that is a huge step. And I am not hiding out from you all. Sure I did while I was high, but as I told you, I am not here to paint a picture of how cool I am, or how strong I am, but rather a portrait of a formerly Bitter angry man on the road to Sweet happy days. And fuck yeah I am going to take a step back every now and then, and a step forward while taking a step back. I am learning and practicing, never promised myself anything else. I can't believe how good I feel today, I Work My Process and am out here at my coffee shop sharing with you all.

And I am smoke free once again. See I justified cigarettes with the drugs. In for a penny, in for a pound. In the past this choice would last for months, years. It was one day, one choice. I'd be kicking back smoking everything I could get my hands on. No more. If I go against my intentions for a day, so be it, but that doesn't give me permission to give up on them, or myself. I am in this for the long haul. Fuck yeah I'm worth it, and this journey is worth it. I'm chalking it down as a great learning experience. I've learned what doesn't work; I've learned what does work; I learned that just because I made a choice I didn't love, doesn't mean I have to hate myself; I learned what I must focus on and what I must not focus on; I've learned come a fucking long way; I've learned I don't have to go it alone;. Heaps and heaps of brilliant things. Sure I'd rather have learned them and not used drugs, but I did. So be it, I'm done judging myself, I'm moving on from that inch by inch, step by step, day by day.

Speaking of journeys, I have a new partner to share this amazing ride with. He's sitting at my feet now, a little pissed that he can't go say hello to everyone here. Jolly has finally arrived from Boston. We are doing great. It's a learning process for both of us. I am so grateful to have him in my life, it's going to be fun, a challenge and an adventure. It's a big step for me, for years I wanted a dog, but felt unable to take care of myself, let alone a furry friend. At some point it dawned on me I was ready, a few trial runs later and Jolly showed up on my door - well I brought him to my door.

The rain has come and we are outside. No dogs allowed. I don't like to write to you guys inside anyway. I'm off to do some writing at home, out of the rain, the greatest dog in the whole wide world by my side (or wherever he wants) and a knowing that today is a Jolly Tuesday. I wish a Jolly one to you.

Love, Light and Laughs,

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Happy Steps!

Good Morning People. Dare I say great morning, sure why not. Great Morning People.

First I want to thank you all for your Love and support. Today is day 16 (not that I'm counting) of my drug free Second Year experiment. I've had three cigarettes in those 16 days. I can't remember ever being so clear headed, focused, feeling good and happy to be feeling good. Not too shabby Bitter! Thank you, I could do it without you all, but you guys make it easier and heaps more fun.

Another weekend at Wizard School, another step closer to getting my wand. This is real Wizard School, not Harry Potter make believe wizarding. I mean come on, who gives out magic wands to students not ready for them? That's just silly, unbelievable even. If I got my magic wand a year ago, I would have quit school, waved up a pile of blow and a cadre of hookers. Problems solved! (Or at least misplaced.) Hogwarts West, my Wizard School, is teaching me to find out what it is I want first, or what I don't want, and giving me the tools to manifest. Then I get the wand. Well, I assume there's some kind of wand involved anyway - there fucking better be or I'll be manifesting a six pack of whoop ass and sharing it with my professors.

I know one thing I want. Actually today I am going to claim that I have a big slice of it sans wand. Courage. Nobody said that becoming a wielder of magic was going to be easy, nobody said it was going to be hard now that I think about it. It takes some big brass balls to do some of things I am doing. Either that or a touch of lunacy. Let me be more specific for those of you who aren't at my school, who chose to study elsewhere - I'm a firm believer we are all studying somewhere, willing or not.

To become a wielder of the light, to be able to wave my Wizard School wand, I must clear out the judgments I've created. And boy were there heaps of them. It can be fucking scary. And I am doing it. Looking back at moments in my life that I've judged myself as less than perfect, times when I shamed myself, ran off to the corners of my mind, made a decision that that was just too scary and clearing them out. Wizard School is learning the skills to become a Self-cleaner, or a Lover of my dirt. Out with the old beliefs, old misunderstandings so I can see what is really there, so I can own what has always been there. Not what I have to get to become happy, more what I have to get rid of to remember that I came in to this world happy. And loved. Remembering that all of the "shit" that makes up me is fucking perfect, it's my judgments that cloud that perfection. I am not my shit! Sounds like a t-shirt.

I have the greatest example of perfection, of the divine we all are, in my life right now, and for that I am filled with gratitude. A true wielder of magic, a perfect divine being, swaddled in Red Sox (Yes God is a Sox fan) gear. Hugs (named because rumor has it that's what she loves), a beautiful eight week old girl who lives up the street. I met her on her first day here amongst us and have watched her grow. I think she's been watching me grow too. It's been amazing, a blessing. Brings me back to sixteen years ago when another amazing little girl was brought into my life while I was nearby. She's a brilliant wielder of magic, a powerful wizard who with her sisters teach me heaps every moment I'm around them. But sixteen years ago my eyes were much more clouded with my own judgments that I couldn't see as clearly as I do now. Today I see the perfection in a little one hot off the presses. Today I can see the beauty in her reflecting back at me, and owning it a little bit in myself.

Her Dad and Mom are two of my best friends, two people who love me and, at times, think I'm crazy. I can hear Hugs' Dad laughing at me already, I look forward to it actually for he is one of my bullshit detectors (I have several). He is one of the people I've created in my life to help me along my path, to show me where I am. Before Hugs was born I wouldn't have been as comfortable using him as an example; my own shit, my own insecurities that I've moved beyond. We've both grown. And tell him now that there is no such thing as a divine being, he may not like the God speak, but I can see it in his eyes. Tell him his daughter isn't perfect. I dare you because he knows that she is and I'm fairly certain he'd punch you in the nose moments after you lied and said she wasn't. Not that I want you to get punched in the nose, but sometimes that's what it takes to get a point across. And my point is we are all perfect, we are all divine.

There are no accidents in this world. None. And I've been blessed to be shown, to be near, a perfect example of what I am doing for myself. Being a parent to myself, loving and nurturing myself, reminding myself that I am a perfect divine being. Like Hugs, nowhere near as cute or huggable, but you get the picture. I just forgot, and told myself that I wasn't. I bought into some misunderstandings I picked up along the road of life and forgot what it was to be a divine being. I blame nobody, because it's all perfect, there's nothing to blame anyone for. Nothing. We are all perfect.

We all are. I know, Bitter is becoming sappy. Bitter is trying to become happy again. And Bitter is writing about himself in the third person, maybe Bitter has gone off the deep end. So be it, I am happy most days. And bitter some days, the days I forget how brilliant I am, how brilliant we all are. As I've written before I could focus on all that's not going right in my life, but more and more I'm choosing to focus on gratitude for my life. That's not to say I don't want to make changes, clear out cobwebs. That's why I'm at Wizard School, to remember who I was when I came into this world. To reclaim that power and all my light. Hugs does it so easily, she is a beacon of remembrance for me. For that I am so grateful, I thank her every time I see her. That's why she's in my life, I wont speculate why she chose the parents she chose but I will say she has excellent taste.

This weekend I celebrated myself and my classmates taking giant steps toward that goal, the goal of living a joy filled life. It really is quite simple, I just forgot, we all did, and started packing away judgments up in the attic to keep us separated from God. One day it got so cluttered up in my attic that I looked up and couldn't see her, I only could see all the shit I had collected. Let me tell you, that kept me from wanting to look for a long time. Now I am cleaning out that attic. Some days the window is open, my aim is perfect and the shit flies out. Other days I get half way up the stairs, realize I forgot something in the kitchen and never get back up to do the cleaning. It's all great. I don't beat myself up (much) anymore, and that is a big step forward for me. Being hard on myself just doesn't work, well it's worked perfect when I wanted to be Bitter, but now I'm wanting a slice of happiness.

This is my journey, I hope you know I am not preaching, not selling you that my way is better than your way. Things that have been struggles for me, come easy for others. I know this, I've seen this, I love this. I do know we are all perfect. Yes even the douchebag who doesn't use his directional or the loudtalking prick at the coffee shop. I may not want to spend a great deal of time with those people, but that doesn't make either of us less than perfect. One man's annoyance is another man's love. Hey another T-shirt - I smell a BS clothing line.

Tomorrow I may want to strangle those folk, I'm not here to tell you I have it all figured out, you know that I trust. What I do know is what works for me. It does take work, and I'm off to do some.

Love, Light and Laughs,