Thursday, March 25, 2010

Choices or Step Back and Let Me Kiss Myself

Greetings From The Asylum -

I'm at a loss today what to write about. I was going to opine about the brilliance of Gratitude in my life, then I checked and damned if I've not written ad nauseum about Gratitude. It's a good one, I'll grant you that, but I wanted to be fresh and original. So I'm going to write about choices, yes it's my choice to write about choices.

Every morning I wake up and I have a choice, a series of choices really, but the day starts with one. Am I going to surrender to the moment, look at the world through the eyes of love and be grateful for this day. Or am I not. Some days it's easier than others. Some days I wake up, my neck is sore, my bills aren't paid, the dog needs to go out, the apartment is a mess, nobody loves me, God is picking on me. Ahhh those days are grand, because it makes my choice that much easier. Am I going to chose to be in my head and out of my heart? Am I going to chose to be a miserable cunt or am I going to chose to be free to discover what each moment brings me?

More and more I am choosing to be in my heart, in my loving, in a place of wonder and surprise for the next moment. Not worried about the future or the past, simply focused on the here and now. I can hear you now, my loyal readers, saying it's easy for you but you don't know what I'm going through, how hard my life is. Okay maybe it's me trying to con me and now you guys.I hear you, sure I don't know what you are going through, nor do I know how hard your life is. Yet what I do know is that every moment is a choice. It's that simple, and that difficult.

Now you might be asking yourself by this point, what is this feller trying to say today. Well I'm not sure, and that's the point. I chose to get myself up and out and do a little writing today, and I thought I would start my writing by writing to you. You guys inspire me. I inspire me. So to finish off my little rambling this morning I'm going to share with you a tip someone gave me to quell the voices, a tip to make love the easier choice today and everyday.

Tell yourself you love yourself. Yes this comes easy to some, but it did not to me. As much as I ramble on here about how great I am, I've had this block about the simple act of telling myself I love me. It was work, but it was a job worth doing. Now when the voices of doubt, of fear, in whatever form they show up in start to murmur I simply stop and say "I love you Bitter" "Bitter I love you" And I repeat those words, sometimes even holding myself. "I love you Bitter" "Bitter I love you". Yes I know how foolish this seems, I know how self indulgently narcissistic it can appear, but why not. Why not remind myself that I am love and loved? Why not? Give me one good reason why not? Hey I can give you a hundred funny reasons not to, but not one good reason why I shouldn't.

And you know what? It's working. I find myself making more loving choices, more self honoring choices. And it's so simple, one you get over the comedic aspect of it and the "oh my god am I really that full of myself" aspect, it's easy.

So thanks for reading today, pointlessly pointed this morning. But I chose to write. And I chose to love myself. And those aren't bad choices to start the day. So give it a try. Tell yourself you love yourself. Do it often. And chose to be in the moment, chose to be who you are and love who you are. I know I love you, yes even you, you know, the really unlovable reader. Because you aren't really unlovable. Stop telling yourself that fable, and start telling yourself the truth. You are love and lovable.

I'm off (my rocker and this post).

Bitter I love you. I love you Bitter.

Love, Light, and Laughs

Monday, March 15, 2010

I Surrender!!

Today I am surrendering. Not like some eclair eating Frenchman who cons himself into loving strudel. Nor am I pretending to have won, like the the French in Southeast Asia. Okay it was the US, fine you pinko commie loving bastard, but the French started that one. I digress before I even begin.

Today I surrender, I realized the battle I was fighting was not necessary. It's been a long drawn out campaign. There's been death and destruction. Noses bloodied. Feelings hurt. Tears shed. Remarkably with all this pain and suffering it's not made the evening news. This has been a covert operation, an insidious campaign to wreak havoc. Like most wars this was a foolish fight over a simple misunderstanding. I being the bigger man, the better man, am simply walking away from this fight. It's easy to surrender today to my brilliant opponent, because I am surrendering to myself. I am laying down my arms, arms that were used to terrorize myself, and wrapping those arms around myself. Make Love Not War!

The past month, okay the majority of my life, has been a constant internal battle. Beating myself up for what I've done and what I've not done. At the start of this weekend, a Wizard School weekend, I was ready to bring the battle out and start blaming others. A piece of me was going to head into class Friday night, call out my teachers for being uncaring unsupportive frauds then walk out in a blaze of glory. It would have been quite a show, but I used my Wizarding tools took in a deep breath and decided to take a look at who actually was was doing the terrorizing.

Yup it was me. Damn this personal responsibility. It would have been much more entertaining to tell my very loving teachers to go fuck themselves. I imagine it would not have been the first time they've heard it, but I can guarantee I would have taught them a few new words. So deep breath taken, I sat down for my first process Friday night filled with venom, filled with hate, for myself and for my school, the root of all of my woes. And an angel sat in front of me, loving me right where I was and offered me a wee piece of wisdom.

Give up the fight, and simply love myself.

Huh? Where's the drama? Where's the carnage? Where's the blood, sweat and tears? I don't need them? Huh indeed. The remainder of my weekend was filled with brilliant explorations, courageous learning and the opportunity to bask in the collective glow of some radiant beings.

My post last weekend still holds true, I am marching forward, armed with military metaphors. I'm just doing it with new motivation, a new look. When I meet the enemy within, lets call him resistance today, I am going to surrender to him and love him. I've done it in the past and it worked quite well. Then I choose to ignore what worked and go back to some small arms fire, poking hole after hole in me. I had bled myself dry, I was out of gas and not happy. Part of me went back to those old habits of self-terrorizing for two reasons, it's what I was accustomed to, and I couldn't truly believe that the more productive and constructive way was so easy. Life is supposed to be hard?

I may be seemingly making light or war and of terrorism, but I am not. I truly believe with all my heart, that the wars we fight within ourselves are very real and just as damaging as the external battles. Nor do I make light of the pains inside of each of us, we all have our own path, or own experiences. I'm just choosing the path of love, not war. If the leaders in this world looked inward to their own battles, maybe we'd have a lot less death and destruction in the world. Far be it for me to say that the war in Iraq is just an angry dry drunks' attempt to exorcise his own personal demons on a country. Again this is an experiment, like all of my posts, all of my words of, uhhmmm, wisdom. I didn't get much that I wanted to get done last month with my steely resolved and harsh words. Only a bloodied nose and a very bruised ego. So this month I am setting beautiful intentions and using my nice words. I deserve a cheerleader, and why not be one for myself. No uniform needed.

Why don't you try it with me? You my brilliant amazing powerful magical fans. Be your own cheerleader. My favorite from my high school days - and sitting on the bench you learn all of them - is: S-U-C-C-E-S-S! THIS IS HOW WE SPELL SUCCESS! Come on try it at home or in your office. Just give it a go, you don't even have to stand up and flail your arms. Just sit there and cheer yourself on. For whatever it is you need to cheer. We are all cheer worthy. We are all worthy of loving ourselves. No mater what! Yes no matter what. Whatever seemingly unlovable thing you've done or not done, you are worthy of your love. And a cheer.

As always I want to thank you all for your love. For your support. And for your cheers. Each and everyone of you has touched me. And that love, in all it's forms, has helped me to surrender. Surrender to myself and surrender to this perfect moment.

My struggle reminded me of a beautiful poem by the late great Shel Silverstein, so I thought I'd share it with you -


I will not play at tug o' war
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses
And everyone grins
And everyone cuddles
And everyone wins.

Today is a win. A big win. I love you all. And want you to be a S-U-C-C-E-S-S. And remember success is only a feeling.

Thanks for reading.

Love, Light and Laughs,

Monday, March 1, 2010

Marching Orders - Ready! Fire! Aim!

Happy March -

I woke today early, I feel some change in the air. Tis a good thing. I've been going back and forth since the beginning of the year, one minute fully committed to my life, the next tapping out, valiantly attempting to put things on hold. In the past I've made grandiose claims about doing this and doing that, hyping myself up and often times out of the moment. I am choosing to be fueled by this moment, sitting here outside my coffee shop, Jolly at my feet, watching the world stroll by. Why would I want to be in any other moment?

It dawned on me this morning as I left the house that today was the first day of March. The most actively named of all the months. Funny I was born in May, May - Such a not-so-sure month. Now March, that has some bite to it. So I am actively giving myself some marching orders, I am marching in to this moment, relishing each and every one of them. Even the shitty ones. They are, after all, opportunities to learn and grow, if I chose to look at them that way. I am.

So today I am starting a new experiment in Marching, a whole lot less thinking, more marching. More activity, I don't know how it will look, what in fact I am doing (I think that's always clear), but today I start being more active. I need to continue to shake things up, take a more active role in this life I am living. No coincidence that I start March by heading out to the coffee shop so I could buy tickets for my Half Dome hike at the end of May. Active!

This is like a new year for me, with much less hype. If I am truly living in the moment, then why not have a new year at the beginning of a new month? No reason at all not to go for it, recommit to my beautiful life. Why don't you join me? You know what you need in your life, what you want to be marching toward (yes the marching metaphor is starting to annoy me as well, but I am going with it). I have goals, processes, things to do, places to be both outward and inward, things I've been "thinking" about, well fuck it, I am going to start, and some cases, continue to be active.

Again it all started this morning, lying in bed, thinking about getting out of it. Thinking about getting up to get those passes to scale a granite wall. Thinking about it accomplished nothing, getting up and doing it, got me those tickets. A small step, but life is all small steps that often lead to great leaps. Of this I am sure. I know for me I need to pull the trigger more often, Ready! Fire! Aim! In the past I spent so much time aiming that I didn't even bother to fire. I need to start shooting wildly, it's what my soul is crying out for. My brilliant active brain can come along for the ride, I'm not disowning it, I'm just disallowing it from holding so many meetings. It would rather sit around and talk about doing something than actually doing it, well it's time for some changes.

I invite you to join me in taking some actions in your life. Where do you want to make a change? March in to this moment. Spring is in the air and in my step. It may not seem life that for my readers outside of Southern California, but here winter, or what we call winter, is ebbing. The flowers are in bloom, people are starting to wake from their long winters nap. Okay I can't write long winters nap while living in Santa Monica. More like a quick nod off, but we do have winter, sort of.

I know not where or what this active month of March looks like, I just decided this new experiment this morning, but instead of thinking about it I choose to get out, go for a walk and share my idea with you. If I thought about it, boy could I come up with some holes in my theory. Oh well, trigger pulled, my aim may be off, but my intention is sound. Let's see where it hits.

Thanks again as always for reading. I'm loving this journey from Bitter to Sweet.

Love, Light and Laughs

PS from BS: The pic atop this post is the world famous Jolly. He is partly responsible for my March experiment. A true liver and lover of the moment. Amazing how much I am learning from the little Buddha, one of those things is, don't over think things. Sure you may find your nose it shit somedays, but you never know until you give it a sniff.