Monday, May 24, 2010

There is Here

For so long I've been looking for something. If I were to put it in one word, I'd have to go with happiness. Sure happiness has many different variations, many different words. Joy. Bliss. Conected. Employeed. In Love. Wealthy. Bacon. Tomorrow. Effevesent.

I want to share today some insight I have learned about myself. It is my hope that you to can apply my learnings to you and your life. If you do not, that's fine as well, I'm filled to the brim with gratitude that you've taken then time to read my words. That is the best gift you could give me.

It was my birthday recently. A milestone, one that I was both dreading and loving. I turned forty. On the one hand I know to the core of my being that my forties are going to be a magical decade. I am going to surrender more fully to who I am and why I am kicking around on planet Earth.

But mostly I dreaded turning forty, because I had such judgment of where I was in life. What I had accomplished. What I had made of myself. Or more precisely, what I had not made of myself. I had such judgment on myself, my life had not turned out the way I had planned. The few plans I had didn't look like the life I had.

I was going to be doing grand things by now. Big important things! I felt small weak somehow less then. I looked deep inside of myself and didn't like what the viewfinder was showing me. I felt a failure. Flopping around life, barely making the ends meet. I wasn't where I wanted to be, I wanted to be there. I'm not sure what there looked like, but I was sure I wasn't there. When I got there then I would be good enough, then I would be able to truly love myself.

Where is there? That was the question that kept popping up on my wind screen. Where and what is this mythical place that I had to arrived at to Love myself. I've found out where there is, I've made the choice where there is.


Right here and now. Full of disappointments and wanting other things I've decide that I can enjoy right here and now. Not to say I don't want to change a few things, but it's time to start reveling all that is me. Why not? The folks I talk to agree that I am lovable and more than enough right here and now. So if I can't believe myself, I'm going on the faith of friends.

It feels good to finally be there, I mean here. Well wherever the fuck I am it feels great.

Love Light and Laughs

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Waka Waka!

I found myself walking in an enormous field in the mountains of Malibu, aware that I was surrounded by fellow hikers, yet feeling disconnected in the silence. Then in a flash of recognition, I was connected again, hearing the song of the Universe gently serenading me. Heat stroke? Sure, I could chalk it up to that, but I'd be lying. A voice telling me I am on the exact perfect path, if I turned off that path, I may not be as filled with joy, but it would be the exact right path once again.

Driving up the PCH to Point Mugu State Park for SpiritWalk, a benefit fundraising hike for Wizard School, I was in the weeds. Feeling isolated and judging, bouncing from one thought to the next, I set a few intentions and chose to open my heart up to the experience. Friendly faces greeting me, I was ready for a hike. Connecting in with classmates and fellow hikers, I was feeling footloose and fancy free.

After a nice stroll through the Malibu scenery chatting with friends, I came upon a beautiful trigger, an old story I was ready to release. The hike brought a new level of understanding to this dynamic, but no closure. Closure will come when I am ready, when all the lessons I need to explore are exorcised. What Sunday brought was a deeper knowing that they are my lessons alone, that the dynamic was solely in my lap. Judgments and Self Righteousness do nothing to further my growth, my understanding of me and my life. It was a funny gift, and God has a wicked sense of humor, of that I am grateful.

This understanding lead me to this magical field, where the silence gave me such a knowing that I do have all of the answers to my questions. Some big picture stuff, yet it is only fear that keeps me from truly owning the knowing. With tears of Gratitude in my eyes, I began to climb, to kick up my heart rate while the Pacific came into focus. This brilliant blue well inviting me to connect, to release and to renew. Which is what I did, sitting down with my notebook, connected, the words, not truly mine, flowing from my pen, I was awash in gratitude, in a profound understanding of the the perfection of this moment. A knowing that future moments would be as perfect, if only I would breathe deeply and check in to the silence. Something I knew I would and would not do.

Thank you to all of my very generous friends. Some of you donated to my school, all of you donated to me. For that I am so very thankful, it means the world to me. Wizard School is not for everyone, the magic they teach hogwash to some, but friendship means everything to me. And your donations are yet another reminder that I am doing a few things oh so right this time around, for I have an amazing cadre of friends. Thank you!

SpiritWalk was a day filled with friends, fun and heaps of laughs. I had a great time, the icing on the cake of some comfort zone pushing fundraising. That is what I look forward to doing more and more each day, pushing my comfort zone. Facing fears, diving in and saying yes. Happy Five of May to you all. It certainly has a better ring to it when said in Spanish.

Thank you!

PS: Please note that although there are photos of me out there sans my Fozzie suit, I did hike in my bear costume, as per the agreement signed with my generous donors. Waka Waka!