Sunday, December 27, 2009

Naughty & Nice

The old adage that Santa is watching us to see if we are naughty or nice has been coming up for me today as I fill with gratitude for all I was given this Christmas. My inner Santa was quite surprised with all that I received. I thought I was naughty this year. Turns out I was really nice.

Well far be it for me to argue with the fat feller from the north, so I am taking it as a sign that I have been nice. Nice to my fellow man, and really starting to be nice to myself. Part of being nice to myself is acknowledging and owning that I am doing the very best I can in each moment. Sure I have times when I am hard on myself still, but they are becoming less and less. It's doing the things I want to do. When I don't, I don't. I don't have to sit around berating myself for not doing them, I just have to feel how it feels and make new choices. I'm letting go of that old story. I am making strides each day to be gentle with myself, to be nice to myself. In turn I find that I am nicer to those around me. That truly brings me Joy - Joy To The World.

Naughty. Nice. They are both judgments really. How do I feel? How do I feel, that is the question I am asking myself. How do I feel in each moment, about the choices I make. Choices made fresh and new, and being aware of those choices. Conscious choices! They feel so much better than making choices unconsciously, reacting to old hurts, making choices out of habit, choices that help keep my story alive, choices that don't serve my highest good. That doesn't feel so great, so when I ask myself how I feel, I know. Take that feedback in and make new choices.

I do hope that Santa or Papa Hanukkah or Puff 'n Fresh, whoever you celebrate this time of year was good to you. We are all doing the best we can in each moment. Celebrate that! Let go of your story. You know the one, the many, the "reasons" you make choices that don't make you feel GREAT. I know I sure do.

I look forward to 2010. It's the year I turn from Bitter to Happy. Yes Bitter to Sweet sounds much better, but sweet just doesn't resonate as a goal for me. I am walking my walking more and more each day, and 2010 is the next step on my journey.

I'll be checking in this week, gearing up for the New Year, but wanted to say hello tonight from my hometown. Writing in the room I grew up in. A room and a house full of old stories that I am letting go of so I can live a beautiful rich full life in each new moment. The past is exactly where it is suppose to be, in the past. The future, yup, right where it is suppose to be, in the future. Tonight I feel alive. A little sore from my late night fall in the back yard - ouch - I did save the sandwich and most of the milkshake, but my knee and hip took the brunt of the fall. It was a good sandwich.

Love, Light and Laughs to you all,

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Greetings from North Pole

So I'm not that far North, but it's cold and there's ten inches of snow on the ground here in my hometown. The BS offices have been shut down. The staff is of course being paid during the Holiday break - thanks in large part to the great State of California.

While away from the home office, I am racking my brain to come up with my own "Julie & Julia" idea for the coming year. That blog has been put in brought to my attention time and time again over the past few months. Bitter Spiritualist needs some kind of hook to keep readers coming back, something for me to focus on. I am a huge fan of cooking shows, but I'm not going to pinch her great idea. I need my own. Something to report back to you about. I've a few ideas percolating and will be announcing what I will be doing in the weeks to come.

What I do know that 2010 is going to be a great year. Also it will be just about nine months from January 1 until I graduate from Wizard School. Nine months. Yes a rebirth time for BS. So that's a good foundation to start with. Now don't you worry, I'm not going to become a Born Again, not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's definitely not for me.

Your thoughts/ideas/direction, your feedback, is not only welcome, it's encouraged. I'd appreciate the input, it makes my job so much easier.

One thing that will be happening in 2010 is our collaboration with the folks over at Soul Diving. I'm excited about it, the brief break was needed to get some clarity on that part of the BS experiment. The details haven't been worked out as of yet, but Honeybee and her gang of lovey doveys are committed, as are we at BS. It should make for a fun time and, hopefully, a great read.

I'm off soon to say hello to my nieces and decorate some cookies. Just like Julia would do, but not as fancy, or as French.

Love, Light and Laughs,

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Excuses, Magic Men and Holiday Gift Ideas!

My apologies for not being around for a bit, I've been busy. Which is just a lame excuse. I hate excuses, which goes brilliantly with my own self-loathing. So I thought I'd write this morning, even though I've not much to say, but at least I'm not making excuses.

I'm finding that it's harder and harder to come up with excuses to not take action. Reasons are a different story, reasons are really really good excuses. I love that old expression excuses are like assholes, everyone’s got one. And it's true I do have an asshole, who I will introduce later in this post, and I could come up with excuses for all the things I haven't done in my life. Like why I've not posted in a bit -- for sake of word count to fill up the page a bit this morning I'll give it a whirl.

I worked all last week, early mornings, days filled with the glitz and glamour of Hollywood. Then I had Wizard School this weekend where I took another step toward getting my broom and my wand. After all that, I had to get up even earlier on Monday to go finish up last week's job. Yesterday was out of the question, I mean I couldn't write yesterday. It was my first day off and a quite some time and I had to do laundry and clean up my apartment and go for coffee and read a book and blah blah blah, blah (word count increasing) blah, blah, blah..........

Lame excuses. I am guessing, but I would bet that all those excuses, however feebly I tried to sell them were just a healthy dose of resistance. Again I am learning and this is all just practice, so today I am learning that lame excuses just aren't really sitting anymore. It feels good. Like I wrote before, if this a worthwhile post, an insightful funny post I wrote it, if not God did it.

In the past the excuses were much more infused with life, they were my life. My life was too hard to live. You wouldn't understand because my pain was so much greater than yours. My leaden cross was so much heavier that your cross. Back then when I actually believed the press I was feeding my brain, those weren't excuses, they were my reality. In hindsight they were excuses for not giving myself my life, I just didn't know any better. Or I was too deep in the misery to believe any other options. Thankfully those days are fewer and fewer, I just really got sick and tired of playing the old tape. Fuck excuses, lay the cards on the table and see what happens.

I woke up this morning wanting to write and attempted to keep myself from doing so. I came up with a few halfhearted excuses. The bed being warm and toasty was a good one. I had nothing to write about another good one, and by where this is going a valid one. But the reality is I have made commitments to myself (and to you) that I want to keep. And for better or worse one of those commitments was posting here twice a week. Sure I want to post things that I think are funny and maybe a little insightful, but that wasn't one of the requirements I set up for myself. Those are just excuses to not write and not post and I am learning here.

Another nickel excuse for not posting is that the home offices of BS is going through some restructuring. I noticed that there was some ooey gooey guy showing up at the meetings. Peace and Love are great, but come on buddy, that's not what we are preaching. Save the sugar coating for the Willy Wonkians over at souldiving. This is Bitter Spiritualist, not The Pollyanna Press. Fists flew, noses bled, feelings hurt, and most importantly, I got what I wanted.

So with the corporate restructuring I have to introduce a new member of team Bitter Spiritualist this morning, Magic Man. In addition to being my bloodied cowering colleague here at BS he also goes to Wizard School with me. His thoughts were finding there way into my posts and quite frankly I found him stifling. Always giving me reasons why I should be a little less bitter and a little more loving. He was trying to take away my edge, hiding out and using me as his mouth piece. Hey Fuckhead this is my blog and my words not yours. Save the love talk for the dial-a-date scene amigo. I must confess, it's been a bit confusing around here. I've never had employees I had to work with. And they all have their own agenda. His is a great one, similar to mine coincidentally, but I was finding his voice a little too lovely dovey. So I figured if I gave him a little press I'd pacify the pacifist and could get on with my own writing.

Outing the Magic Man also gives me a chance to acknowledge a great friend of BS who named him and also gives you, my loyal masses, a great holiday gift idea. One day he started calling my colleague Magic Man and it stuck. This was even before he started going to Wizard School! A swarmy dapper Mediterranean-type fellow I have known for twenty plus years. His name, Ozio. Only a true Italian could get three vowels into a four letter name. His company, Sweatsedo, sells quality velour track suits, stylish and oh so comfortable. I'm wearing one of their jackets now, so if you want to dress like your idol, check out Ozio and his wares at These are his last weeks here in Los Angeles before he leaves us for a new adventure in the mountains. He will be missed, and not just because of his brilliant cooking skills, mostly. Another BS staff member, Avid Outdoorsman, is very excited that he will get to visit him in the North Country. I personally will miss him heaps and also have a sense of dread. Avid Outdoorsman will indubitably drag my ass up there to the mountains with him. Oh wow trees! And mountains! And a lake! Luckily I can chose to see none of that from a barstool with a Guinness in front of me. Nature, it's overrated. Hey that could be a new slogan here at BS, but probably not, Avid can get a little vocal if we start picking on Mother Earth.

So the excuses were invalid and I woke up and wrote and it worked. Sure I can see that I didn't write about much - it wasn't meaningful, but then again meaning is all subjective - but I did kick that excuse to the curb and did it anyway. Magic Man is chirping up that we did it, that we met our commitment to ourselves and got an opportunity to do some work and share, but I am going to punch him in the chin once I stop typing. Ooey gooey this motherfucker. But begrudgingly, I must admit he is on to something, so I am chipping away at the excuses and doing what I set out to do. Fuck it's not like my other posts were Shakespeare. Fuck Shakespeare, that English prick.

I am in the process of clarify the staffing here at the home office, so if you are confused, not too worry, you're not as confused as I. It's off to a board meeting for me where I have to listen to the blathering, I mean input, of my co-workers. In the mean time check out Sweatsedo, tell him Magic Man sent you. It won't get you a discount, but I bet you it gets you a laugh.

Love, Light and Laughs,

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

More Bitter, Less Honey

Greetings from Hollywood -

I am sad to report the Bitter and Honey experiment has been put on temporary hold. Transformation Tuesday were too damn transformative apparently. With a little altitude comes a whole lot of clarity, and the BS board voted down the partnership. The idea remains something that I know will be fun and I look forward to future collaboration. Just not now. There's a brilliant story of life, lessons, and love, but that will be told another today. Today I am logging some miles on a comfy directors chair making television magic.

Check back later in the week, I have to at least pretend I am working. Okay I don't even have to pretend I am working, but I do have a hankering for a cookie. Mmmmmmmmm Craft Services. For those of you not familiar with the machinations of tv production, they feed you and provide you with snacks. Yes it is all glitz and glamour.

I invite you to check out the sweet honey goodness of our short lived partner at . It's the sweet to my salty.

Love, Light and Laughs

Thursday, December 3, 2009



Have the what doing the what now? I thought. "Thanks I will." I said.

The words echoed around in my skull. "Have fun writing." Words said in kindness by the thirtysomething talker at the coffee shop yesterday. You know the type, a nice guy concerned about his fellow man. Get back to your commune hippie - oh how I loathe nice guys. Sometimes.

I mean, who is this guy to tell me......Wow was I really just having fun writing? And he noticed. I sure didn't. I looked like someone having fun writing....hmmmmm....I was having fun writing. Holy shite I am a writer! Actually doing it and not talking about it. Thank you hippie. Tis weird to think that I may actually be doing what I am meant to do. I felt good?! I felt like I was in alignment. I didn't feel Bitter - uh oh, my cover may be blown; I'm having a good time doing what I said I want to do. Too much time in my head reliving some past or projecting some future. Sure I had a moment of self doubt, but just a moment. Then I moved back into the moment, I was aware, and I did a little celebration. I patted myself on the back. Not too shabby Bitter

The past week has been very revealing here in the office. I'd been living in an old pattern, aware of it, but living in it nonetheless. What do I write? Oh I have this project, heartfelt, meaningful, the one I SHOULD write. That's it. That's what I am going to do. I don't want to, but that is what I am going to do. Ahhh but I want to write this project as well. It's the one that I am made to write, the one I am destined to write. The one that is going to ripple through the world helping those in need. Those less fortunate than I.

Oh you arrogant man. No body cares what I do, so why not do what I love to do? God doesn't want me to write anything, no one does, I do. Sure he wants be to make choices that inspire me, bring me joy, but I know he's going to love me whether I do it or not. Shouldn't I write what I want to write? What makes me happy?

I'll field that question. You're damn right I ought write what I want to write. And nobody is going to stop me. You mean no body wants to stop me? Huh, then who does. Ahhh resistance. The ever running machine, the trickster that lives inside of me. At one time keeping me safe, where I needed to be. Always keeping me away from the life I was born to live. We all have him, I've written about him before. He's a pain in the balls. His name - resistance, brought to you by the ego.

Resistance. It comes in many shapes and sizes. He's been living in me, on the offensive for a long time, while I played a solid D. I am coming on strong with my offense, putting resistance on the defense. He is the enemy, and I shall kill my enemies. As Steven Pressfield says in his powerful book theWarofArt "The warrior and the artist live by the same code of necessity, which dictates that the battle must be fought anew every day." I am honing my short passing game, keeping my eyes open for the long ball down the middle. Football metaphors.....

Today I put the first words to the page of my new project. A project I am going to see to completion. And not just because it's a requirement for Wizard School. Because it's what I want to write, what I want to share. It's what I am choosing to write right now. Today I started to write some good old fashion yuck yuck comedy.

Comedy is something I loved to create in my life. I was a hack stand up for a time and boy did I hate comedy by the time I quit that world. I hated it so much I ran to Los Angeles - okay not the only reason I came to LA - fame, fortune, a beautiful dame being a few others. Sure I still allowed myself to love getting the laugh with people. My god does it give me joy. I well up and smile now just thinking about making friends and family laugh. Simple. And I took it away from myself. Resistance. Let some feedback cloud my joy and take away my comedic mojo. I didn't want to be hurt. My comedy was local, like livingroom local, I was hiding out. (Yes a common theme these days, while I am starting to open up again to the world and taking actions to stay that way. Things to make myself happy. (See resistance beating metaphor above.))

Today I live with my insecurities, the voices in my head and I do the work anyway. Today I become a professional. Sure I could come up with a laundry list of things I need to do, more important things, more pressing things. But I am choosing not to. I don't need to blame or judge, I just want to do what I love. I can be a bit manic. An oscillating fan from bravado to My God I Suck. In the past the My God I Suck moments were lifetimes. I'd given all my time to my deficiencies. Something uniquely my own? I don't think so. Just something most of us live with. Focusing on what we don't have, focusing on what we need to get before we give ourselves what we want. Boy was I guilty of that. Yet another shade of resistance.

Then I made a choice. Why not focus on what I want and see where that leads me? Hmmm interesting. I've not tried that in years. I guess that's why all these folks are around me who love me and support my choices. You mean I am being supported? Yup. Wizard School.

No Wizard School has not given me magical super powers. Yet. What they have given me is a new set of eyes to see the world around me. And what a world I have around me. I looked up from the trough of misery and found out I live an awesome life in spite of myself. What if I took more actions toward my dreams? I'd realize I am living them.

And we all can do what we love to do. I am convinced of it. I am living proof of it. I am not rich, but I ain't poor either. God I am blessed. We all are. It's seeing that blessing, owning that blessing and following the best guide we have - our hearts. Corny? Mostfuckingdefinitely. True? Absofuckinglutely.

Today I am going to write. If it's funny, I am a genius. If it's not, God is a terrible writer. Either way I am doing. I am living. And that's no joke (See I told you God wasn't funny.)

Love, Light and a Big Bitter Heaping of Laughs,