Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Of Expensive Car Repairs and Life Lessons

Sometimes I truly wonder why I need to be hit over the head with lessons. Am I that big of a dunce that I need to bully myself? Be bullied by God? Thick skulled and not listening. WELL HEAR THIS THEN!

Money. Moving Forward. Coming out of my shell. Facing my fears. Living my life. Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. Heaps of cliches abound in my brain. I am grateful that I am taking baby steps, I'm stepping into who I really am.

But a $2800 lesson? Is that what I really needed. If I'm to trust that I get exactly what I need, I have to take this lump and move forward. Really look at where I am in my life and make changes. It's a blessing, of that I am sure, I just wish I could see the blessing. I must trust. Baby Steps.

I was thrown for a loop when the nice fellow who is fixing my car called with the news. Things clogged, gears ground up, new parts, old parts refurbished. 2800 plus dollars. Yikes!

I am taking baby steps, why did God hand me this? Why did I hand this to myself? A reminder that it is only money? That I have the talents and abilities to make that and more in an instant if I only push out from my comfort zone?

Right now I don't have that answer. I don't have any answers. I don't have any money for that matter. My rent is due. Tuition. The aforementioned car whammy. Do I need to create more opportunities or is this enough for me to continue forward. I know not. My leap of faith is wrapped up in some bills right now. Issues and opportunities to move forward with my learning and growth.

I do know that I am not overwhelmed. Feeling a little sorry for myself. Wondering where the funds are going to come from. Knowing that I must reach out to someone for help, something I've done in the past and something I've hated doing in the past. Feeling like a burden on my friends, on society, when I have so much to give. My worth wrapped up in a few bucks, a few bucks that I do not have. So do I have any worth even?

Feeling weak. Feeling alone. Feeling sad. Wanting so badly to run and hide, and tonight I just might. But it's money. It's my car. It all seems BIG in this moment, but I know it's not that big. I can create the life I want to live. I am creating the life I want to live. And $3000 is not the end of the world, not the end of my life.

I will move forward. I am. Now I am just feeling sorry for myself and being gentle with myself. Did I need this? It's got me moving, it's got me feeling, it's got me trusting. But three grand God? That's the price I suppose. Triggers. Challenges. All opportunities if I look at them through the eyes of Love. Tear filled eyes, but a wee smile on my face. The dogs don't care, they just want a rub, and that's what I will do.

Tomorrow I will exam my situation and take some actions. Tonight I may throw a pity party, sorry for the lack of invitations. This is a party for one, well three furry guests but they were on the list.

Love, Light and Laughs

Monday, November 29, 2010

baby steps

The steps are tiny, baby steps I believe they call them, but they are steps forward. Sure a leap backwards from time to time, but I am moving forward.

I feel like I am crawling, clawing, valiant insignificant attempts to kick start my life. Give myself my dreams. Be the man I want to be, not just in words, but in actions. I am praying, praying right this very moment as I type, that God gives me the strength and courage to live my life. To do good work. To live with integrity in each and every moment. So many of my choices I have shamed, and that shame has kept me in the shadows for too long.

A spoiled obnoxious brat. Delusional. Living a fantasy in my head, avoiding my heart. Baby steps. Encouraging myself to move forward. The metaphor came to me fully, sitting on the highway when my car wouldn't go forward. I wasn't shifting, wasn't changing gears. She's in being repaired, and I look inward, and outward, to continue my journey. Fixing my gears.

At times I've found myself in the why me state. Broke. Not creating. A sad sod feeling sorry for myself. When I have so much to offer, so much inside that screams to be let out and shared. How can I feel sorry for myself? So I did and I am done, and now I take a tiny step forward. The view looks great from here, I think I'll take another step.

Yikes! It's a little scary - Is that a cliff? - Will I fall over the edge, alone in the desert, never to be heard from again? Does it matter, I've not been listening to my heart, so what is there to hear?

I'm not jumping. I'm not leaping. I'm just taking another little step forward. The edge is there, close, I can feel it. The wind on my face. The air tastes somehow cleaner the closer I come to the edge. If I'm not careful I may just find myself over the edge. And that is where I must go. No grand proclamations, just tiny little steps forward.

Tonight for a brief moment or two, I stepped forward. I may retreat once again. I may not. Either way it's perfect. Just like my super cool bracelet says "It's Perfect". (Thanks E!)

I feel it. I feel. I love. I write. I be. Most of all, I take a baby step forward. And for that I am grateful.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hello! Thank You!

Hi All

My apologies for the haphazard postings recently. I'm being kind with haphazard, nonexistent would be more accurate.

I've been hiding out and had not felt like sharing. Fear. Resistance. Whatever I want to label it, it's been the reason, certainly not an excuse.

I'm back. I'm back and I am writing. Facing fears and doing it. This is my intention. This is my hope.

It truly amazes me when someone comes up to me and references my words from this site. Gives me a chill. Brings a tear to my eye even. That people actually check out my words, read them and reference them. I've come a long way from peeking my head out from under the covers and sharing this blog with the first four.

I love you all heaps. And I will not take you for granted, will not take my gifts for granted.

I am working on a bigger writing project. I'm not going to talk about it, because in the past that's what I would do - Talk about something so much that I wouldn't have to write it.

I will share with you one step in my process, with the hopes you'll join me. I've started a meditation practice! It feels great thus far. Truly it does. I'm finding a wee bit of peace inside, and reflected outside.

The biggest excuse I used about meditating I used was "I don't really know how." Well let me share my process as it looks now. I'll expand on it I'm sure, but it's a great beginning. Here's what I do -

1. Turn off your phone! This is time with you and Spirit. You and God. You and You for you aethists out there.
2. Get comfortable, cross your legs if you like (I do because it's comfortable, and it's my idea of what one looks like when meditating).
3. Breathe! In through the nose out through the mouth is how I do it. Whatever works for you. Follow your breath. Breathe in Love, breathe out Love. Hey guess what?! You're meditating. Yup that's it! I do a little more, but you can stop here. Do that for a minute, then two minutes, increase your time each time you do it. Give it a whirl, see how it fits.
4. Call in the light. Just use your imagination and call in the light, imagine a beautiful healing white light flowing down through the top of your head. Filling you all of your cells with healing light, filling your heart with Love.
5. Perhaps some chanting is in order. I love my voice, anyone who knows me knows that. So I chant "Hu" "Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" It feels great, gets my vibration up and my spirit soaring. Hu is another word for God. You can chant anything you like, we're beginners! "Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm" is a good one. Maybe "Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaats" or "Soooooooooooooooooooox" and then when the Pats win the Superbowl and the Sox win the Series you can take credit, you and Hu that is.

Be gentle with yourself!

Okay. Off to do some more writing. I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Love, Light and Laughs

Friday, September 24, 2010

Fearful Friday

Walking around Scottsdale today - okay walking around two supermarkets, it's far too mothafucking hot to actually walk outside - I was trying to figure out what it is about this place I don't like. Something about this place annoys me.

Sure I could go for the easy answers, the aforementioned Saharan heat, the staunch republican views, the just say no to Mexicans policies, but it hit me today. Most folks here are living in scared. Just walking around today it was clear to me. From the elderly couple who nearly pushed over the bread rack to get out of my way while avoiding eye contact, to the woman who scurried past me as I smiled and said hello, to the angry bagel seller mumbled under his breath while never actually addressing my ever-so-witty comments, they were all living in fear.

Now if I live my life, which I try (keyword try) to do, that everything around me is my perfect mirror, I must accept that there is a heap of fear within me. Hell I've known it for along time, I've written about, written about how I was going to change it, and I sit here writing of it again. Perhaps I will do something about it! Perhaps.

At times in my life I've lived courageously, things that scared me, that induced vomit at the thought of doing, I dove into. Not my whole life, but flashes of it here and there. Recent history has seen far less flash, far more fear. Is it age? When did the world get so scary? When did sharing myself get so scary? When did risking looking like a fool get so scary?

I'm not sure, but it did. And I want that to change, because there is not a chance in fucking hell I am moving to Scottsdale.

These little writings I've been posting this week are part of my campaign to face my fears, love them and do what I want to do. Sharing work that hasn't been molded to my exact liking is scary for me. Lots of opportunities to face some old fearful friends and do it anyway.

Thanks for helping me face my fears as I continue to Ramble On.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


An odd peace has started to flow through me. Letting go of some and not fretting about the things still held tightly.

Wants and desires still very much present, yet having them go unfulfilled is not a recipe for dark thoughts. My glasses are not rose colored, perhaps they never will be. I am grateful for what I have, for who I am, for the people in my life.

The Super Ball no longer bounces around in my brain battering me. I have freed myself. More work to be done. Dare I write that I am looking forward to the work, I know it will bring me greater peace, a big slice of happiness.

I do miss. I do reflect back in trying hours, wondering. I'll never know, the ire that the unknowing once delivered left when I wasn't paying attention.

I am transforming. Simple choices and I can open my eyes, look in the mirror and see the man I want to be.

Moments. That is all I have. All any of us have. Why waste those moments on regret and anger? Choices.


Now I choose, to Ramble On.......

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

International Day of Peace

I missed the International Day of Peace. Technically I'd heard of it, but it didn't seem like something I was interested in. And that was telling.

I've not been very peaceful, particularly to myself. Peace? It seems alien right now, and that is something I want to change. I am beginning to practice peace, at home, inside of me. Today I stop the internal wars. Sure a skirmish will flare up from time to time, maybe a nasty battle every no and then. But I am stopping the war, and beginning a plan of reconciliation.

For too long, okay for just the right amount of time, I have been at odds with aspects of myself. Not doing anything to change that, not taking the necessary actions to bring about peace. Today it changes, today I am turning up the peace. It burns a little, yet I know it's good for me. I'm just not used to it. Yet. With practice peace will reign, that is the a beautiful beginning.

Troubled is so last year. I want to lead an untroubled life. Let down my shields and see what is out there.

To continue on the corny cliches, today is the first day of Fall. I know I may fall, I may throw a match on some gasoline and start a wee war. But I will pick myself up and take a beautiful wizz on the fires, I started them I can put them out, and look inside. Look into my heart, where peace always resides. So what if I Fall, it's getting back up that is gives me strength. To quote Batman's Dad - "We fall so we can learn to get back up." Okay it's more of a paraphrase, but it sounds cool, it sounds really cool when Michael Caine says it.

So Happy Belated International Day of Peace. I'm making it a lifetime quest, not just a day. I'm going to celebrate by patting the dogs and watching some cartoons. Bruno is kissing Jolly right now, they are on the Peace Train, I'm on board as well.

I continue to, Ramble On.........

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Stretching Out

The not knowing is what can drive a man crazy. Okay maybe it's just this man. So many are comfortable, relish, the not knowing. I'm stuck in neutral. Not going forward. Hopefully not going backward, so there's a plus.

Stretching my muscles, before I begin this new stroll in life. I do have my shoes tied and my socks pulled up, and I don't want to pull a muscle. Heavens no I don't want to do that.

I'm sure there's a few folk reading theses posts (Hi Sis!) wondering what I am writing about. I'd love to give you an answer, other than the best answer.

I am writing. And sharing the goop. Which is exactly what I needed to do. Perhaps I am just standing in the corner like any other whore.......

LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! I'm so special, you should all just look at me. But don't get too close. And don't look me in the eye. And don't talk to me or of me. Just look at me and bask at my specialness. Sure I sugar coat it in some dribble or some lesson or quaint little story about how you and I are alike, but really isn't this just some stroke piece. The Look at Bitter Project!

No it isn't, but today it feels like that. I'm feeling anyway, which is a good thing. I checked in with world today and I just want to go further out in the desert, away from everyone, mostly myself. But I'm still here and I'm still sharing. So some part of me knows that running is a cowards choice, a choice I've made in the past and no longer serves me.

Sure I am a rambling bumbling incoherent mess, but it's me. Nothing clouding my thoughts but an Oreo or two and Camel.

I feel like whining and I am whining. Knowing how truly blessed I am, and yet I still whine. Painted myself in to a corner, but I do know I'm the guy holding the paint brush. And who cares if I step on the painted floor? Me and only me. I am ready to walk on the paint. Leave my footprints. Isn't that what everyone wants? To create and leave your mark. That's what I want anyway.

I'm just afraid.

Rambling on........