Friday, September 24, 2010

Fearful Friday

Walking around Scottsdale today - okay walking around two supermarkets, it's far too mothafucking hot to actually walk outside - I was trying to figure out what it is about this place I don't like. Something about this place annoys me.

Sure I could go for the easy answers, the aforementioned Saharan heat, the staunch republican views, the just say no to Mexicans policies, but it hit me today. Most folks here are living in scared. Just walking around today it was clear to me. From the elderly couple who nearly pushed over the bread rack to get out of my way while avoiding eye contact, to the woman who scurried past me as I smiled and said hello, to the angry bagel seller mumbled under his breath while never actually addressing my ever-so-witty comments, they were all living in fear.

Now if I live my life, which I try (keyword try) to do, that everything around me is my perfect mirror, I must accept that there is a heap of fear within me. Hell I've known it for along time, I've written about, written about how I was going to change it, and I sit here writing of it again. Perhaps I will do something about it! Perhaps.

At times in my life I've lived courageously, things that scared me, that induced vomit at the thought of doing, I dove into. Not my whole life, but flashes of it here and there. Recent history has seen far less flash, far more fear. Is it age? When did the world get so scary? When did sharing myself get so scary? When did risking looking like a fool get so scary?

I'm not sure, but it did. And I want that to change, because there is not a chance in fucking hell I am moving to Scottsdale.

These little writings I've been posting this week are part of my campaign to face my fears, love them and do what I want to do. Sharing work that hasn't been molded to my exact liking is scary for me. Lots of opportunities to face some old fearful friends and do it anyway.

Thanks for helping me face my fears as I continue to Ramble On.

1 comment:

  1. I'm scared to live in California. I'll settle for facing my fears, vicariously, through you. =D