Sunday, September 19, 2010

Shoes Tied

Today I start a new path on my journey. I'm not sure where my journey will take me, I'm not even sure where I've been.

I've been avoiding life, avoiding myself, avoiding my purpose, avoiding, avoiding, avoiding....

Motivations come from the most bizarre and embarrassing of places. Why I type tonight makes me sad, makes me angry, makes me feel small. I am choosing in this moments to feel all of those feelings and do something about them. Today I step out of the shadows and begin to wander anew. Focus is needed, but tonight I have none. I just know that I have to start somewhere, so why not sitting on the couch, three dogs by my side.

I am a hack, I have been a hack most of my life. Squandering the gifts I have been blessed with. Never practicing, never really working, skating by. Using the gifts to beat myself and remain entrenched in a malaise of self-righteousness.

I begin. Again.

My life is not where I want it to be, and I've only to take shift my perspective and see that my life is perfect. Tonight I use the hurts, the bumps, the bruises, the heartaches as fuel to fire the great power that is inside of me. The power that is all of us.

I feel like a failure. I feel lost. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel joyful. I feel grateful. I feel, I feel, I feel. I am not the feelings. I'm not sure what I am.

The light that emanates inside of me, that pours into me has been dulled for a long time. Just the perfect amount of time I am sure, but tonight I want to grieve, want to feel not good enough. Feel unlovable, even as my three furry buddies assure me that I am love and loved.

Trudging through this sludge, my blurry eyes begin to clear and I see I need to make some changes. Let go of the past, let go of the future, let go of my hopes and my dreams. Let go. And live.

My path has brought me to the desert, alone with my thoughts, alone with my feelings. The world I have created is not the world I want to live in. So I will make changes, take action so that I may be happy. That is all I want. That feeling seems so far away, a gap that I know I can cross with the smallest of steps. Tonight I have tied my shoes, not ready to take the first step, but gearing up for it.

I ramble on....

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