Thursday, December 3, 2009



Have the what doing the what now? I thought. "Thanks I will." I said.

The words echoed around in my skull. "Have fun writing." Words said in kindness by the thirtysomething talker at the coffee shop yesterday. You know the type, a nice guy concerned about his fellow man. Get back to your commune hippie - oh how I loathe nice guys. Sometimes.

I mean, who is this guy to tell me......Wow was I really just having fun writing? And he noticed. I sure didn't. I looked like someone having fun writing....hmmmmm....I was having fun writing. Holy shite I am a writer! Actually doing it and not talking about it. Thank you hippie. Tis weird to think that I may actually be doing what I am meant to do. I felt good?! I felt like I was in alignment. I didn't feel Bitter - uh oh, my cover may be blown; I'm having a good time doing what I said I want to do. Too much time in my head reliving some past or projecting some future. Sure I had a moment of self doubt, but just a moment. Then I moved back into the moment, I was aware, and I did a little celebration. I patted myself on the back. Not too shabby Bitter

The past week has been very revealing here in the office. I'd been living in an old pattern, aware of it, but living in it nonetheless. What do I write? Oh I have this project, heartfelt, meaningful, the one I SHOULD write. That's it. That's what I am going to do. I don't want to, but that is what I am going to do. Ahhh but I want to write this project as well. It's the one that I am made to write, the one I am destined to write. The one that is going to ripple through the world helping those in need. Those less fortunate than I.

Oh you arrogant man. No body cares what I do, so why not do what I love to do? God doesn't want me to write anything, no one does, I do. Sure he wants be to make choices that inspire me, bring me joy, but I know he's going to love me whether I do it or not. Shouldn't I write what I want to write? What makes me happy?

I'll field that question. You're damn right I ought write what I want to write. And nobody is going to stop me. You mean no body wants to stop me? Huh, then who does. Ahhh resistance. The ever running machine, the trickster that lives inside of me. At one time keeping me safe, where I needed to be. Always keeping me away from the life I was born to live. We all have him, I've written about him before. He's a pain in the balls. His name - resistance, brought to you by the ego.

Resistance. It comes in many shapes and sizes. He's been living in me, on the offensive for a long time, while I played a solid D. I am coming on strong with my offense, putting resistance on the defense. He is the enemy, and I shall kill my enemies. As Steven Pressfield says in his powerful book theWarofArt "The warrior and the artist live by the same code of necessity, which dictates that the battle must be fought anew every day." I am honing my short passing game, keeping my eyes open for the long ball down the middle. Football metaphors.....

Today I put the first words to the page of my new project. A project I am going to see to completion. And not just because it's a requirement for Wizard School. Because it's what I want to write, what I want to share. It's what I am choosing to write right now. Today I started to write some good old fashion yuck yuck comedy.

Comedy is something I loved to create in my life. I was a hack stand up for a time and boy did I hate comedy by the time I quit that world. I hated it so much I ran to Los Angeles - okay not the only reason I came to LA - fame, fortune, a beautiful dame being a few others. Sure I still allowed myself to love getting the laugh with people. My god does it give me joy. I well up and smile now just thinking about making friends and family laugh. Simple. And I took it away from myself. Resistance. Let some feedback cloud my joy and take away my comedic mojo. I didn't want to be hurt. My comedy was local, like livingroom local, I was hiding out. (Yes a common theme these days, while I am starting to open up again to the world and taking actions to stay that way. Things to make myself happy. (See resistance beating metaphor above.))

Today I live with my insecurities, the voices in my head and I do the work anyway. Today I become a professional. Sure I could come up with a laundry list of things I need to do, more important things, more pressing things. But I am choosing not to. I don't need to blame or judge, I just want to do what I love. I can be a bit manic. An oscillating fan from bravado to My God I Suck. In the past the My God I Suck moments were lifetimes. I'd given all my time to my deficiencies. Something uniquely my own? I don't think so. Just something most of us live with. Focusing on what we don't have, focusing on what we need to get before we give ourselves what we want. Boy was I guilty of that. Yet another shade of resistance.

Then I made a choice. Why not focus on what I want and see where that leads me? Hmmm interesting. I've not tried that in years. I guess that's why all these folks are around me who love me and support my choices. You mean I am being supported? Yup. Wizard School.

No Wizard School has not given me magical super powers. Yet. What they have given me is a new set of eyes to see the world around me. And what a world I have around me. I looked up from the trough of misery and found out I live an awesome life in spite of myself. What if I took more actions toward my dreams? I'd realize I am living them.

And we all can do what we love to do. I am convinced of it. I am living proof of it. I am not rich, but I ain't poor either. God I am blessed. We all are. It's seeing that blessing, owning that blessing and following the best guide we have - our hearts. Corny? Mostfuckingdefinitely. True? Absofuckinglutely.

Today I am going to write. If it's funny, I am a genius. If it's not, God is a terrible writer. Either way I am doing. I am living. And that's no joke (See I told you God wasn't funny.)

Love, Light and a Big Bitter Heaping of Laughs,

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