Monday, November 30, 2009


It's been an odd week here at the home offices in Santa Monica. I've been making valiant attempts to focus on gratitude. It was Thanksgiving after all. The Universe in all her wisdom has been showing me such amazing beauty everywhere I look. And I've not been willing to accept that beauty, to acknowledge the beauty around me, the beauty in you, yes my friends, the beauty in me. I have been ungrateful.

As per my usual bitter self, I'd been hiding out, feeling sorry for myself. Feeling overwhelmed with the world around me and it has sucked Buddha balls. I felt like a fraud. No the voice, the inner critic, had been telling me I am a fraud. Someone like me becoming spiritual? Becoming successful? Letting my guard down? I should be loathed, not loved. My misery is a special house blend, much more potent than yours. And that is not true, it's a fable I made up, something I decided long ago and have worked around that belief for many years. A smile, a giving up my dreams, talking a great game without playing. You can't see me - I'm a phony!

Then I nearly got run over in the crosswalk and gratitude washed over me, wiped my slate clean. I was pissed off. Happiness and gratitude through a jolt of anger....ahhhh Bitter!

I was walking to the store with my furry guest and as all good Los Angelenos do I waited for the little man in the box to tell me it was okay to cross the street. Common sense and logic knocked out of me with multiple jay walking tickets. We were out on the street and a gentlemen decided to slip in front of us. The fog I strolled in was suddenly lifted and I screamed, flipping him off, challenging him to a physical discussion. He wisely chose to drive on. The woman waiting at the light gave me a thumbs up and a brief chastising of the angel who helped me find gratitude. Thank you.

Gratitude is a choice I can make in each moment.

I am grateful to him, he got me in touch with some lurking anger and a chance to outwardly express that anger. He gave me the opportunity to flex a finger I'd shockingly not used in some time. He gave me a beautiful gift, the gift of answering back with his digit. Oh what a great time I had beating my chest and using my not so kid friendly words. As he backed down and drove away I was filled to the brim with gratitude. Not what I would have expected. First for the feeling it gave me, the release, the knowing that those voices and that violence is inside of me. He showed me the wisdom I have to acknowledge what is inside of me and wanting to exorcise it. The exhalation of apologizing to the woman who witnessed the event, and her telling me to go for it. And that moment, his driving away was a moment of gratitude, for the pounding of my chest may have led to a donnybrook out on the sidewalk, something I try to avoid now in my young years. A reaction from some hurt and not where I want to live. And secondly I am grateful for the knowing that I don't need a wayward driver to chose to live, I can do it for myself. So thank you my friend for nearly running me down and for wilting in the face of my challenge. You gave me a beautiful grand opportunity to practice what I tend to preach.

I find my lessons in the most unusual of places. Pissed off at the man in the VW and I find gratitude. I walked my gratitude walk. For one moment I was doing. And in walking that walk, focusing on gratitude, I actually became grateful. Before my brother died I was such an explorer of life, of art, of spirituality. Then it stopped. I became angry and ungrateful. Ungrateful for the cards I had been dealt, angry at God for the cards he dealt my clan, the cards he dealt my mom. I stopped living. I am not blaming him, I'm not blaming the terrorist. I'm not blaming anyone, not even me. It's been a great run. I've learned heaps about myself, mostly what I don't love and bucket loads about the world. Now I am ready to experience the world again, ready to feel again. It's time and I am supported. I am filled with gratitude in this moment. It's easy to do, and it's easy not to do. This moment I am choosing to be grateful.

I am so filled with gratitude for my life, this beautiful magical life and those sharing this ride with me. I am learning how to be alive, how to be happy and today is a great step in that direction. The years of hiding, being afraid, being shy or being huge to keep others at bay have made me, well, interesting. Yes crazy and angry may have been old descriptions of who I was, but as they say in Wizard School that's "In the Past." I am pushing my comfort level out, expanding, and finding out what makes me happy. And what scares the bejesus out of me and doing it anyway. I may scream and I may yell and I may take a nap, but I am pushing myself. Finding what makes me happy, finding where my passion lies.

I am going to love being happy and stop reveling in my misery. That old badge of honor fits me no more. I am a fountain of gratitude.

Sure I am going to have days of venom, days of FUCK, or maybe I won't. I just know that this is the year of finding out what makes me happy. So I invite you to come along for the ride. Or not. I am doing this for me and only me and not feeling like it's selfish. Those who love me will want me to be happy, those who don't, can get in the car with the fellow who nearly ran me down today. And I thank you all. For I am filled with gratitude.

Gratitude. It's a simple thing, a blessed action. An action that I am living with in this moment. An attitude that I hope to wake each morning with. And if I don't, if I wake two-stepping the self loathing angry-at-the-world dance that this bitter fellow has choreographed with such glee, then I eventually will work my process and find my gratitude. In truly focusing on gratitude, I am starting to embody gratitude. I am walking my walk and focusing on what I write about. The preacher is becoming the doer.

I am off to watch The Patriots beat The Saints. Unholy for sure, but I am grateful that my team is better than your team.

Love, Light and Laughs

1 comment:

  1. In this moment, I am so grateful for you- and that you are seeing the light inside of you which is so clear to those who are blessed to experience Who you Are!
    And grateful for your gifted prose which takes experiences common to us all and somehow through your amazing humility and self deprecating style, forgives us all, and allows us to forgive ourselves, for simply having a human experience. Happy Thanksgiving, my friend...Blair