Thursday, November 12, 2009

My Word Is My Law

"Hey I'll see you later."

"Yeah, sure, maybe."

"I'll be there in an hour."

"I can definitely help you with that."

"No I can't go, I'm home writing."

"I am going to post on my blog twice a week, no doubt about it."

"I am getting up at 7:00 and writing."

The fucking list is endless. Opportunities I've had to let myself down. Really show myself and the Universe how untrustworthy I was. I am a bullshitter, it's a gift I have, I know it and am so very grateful for it. I love to make people laugh with my humor and my imagination. That is different than making a commitment to myself or to somebody else and breaking it. It chips away at my soul.

When I say something, give it energy and put it out to the world, it is my law. My word is my law! It is all the contract I will ever need to know that something will be done. It starts with this little post today. I was sitting here at the coffee shop doing some of my homework and I realized I owed myself, and you, a second post this week. "Well I have a lot of homework I've yet to do. And I'm tired. And blah, blah, fucking, blah." Enough excuses! It's time to start keeping my word to myself and to those around me.

In the past I've had an easier time keeping my word to others. I'd like to think of myself as a dependable reliable friend. Sure I'd lie when it made a situation easier. "Yeah, sure, I wouldn't miss your cat's birthday party in Pasadena for the world!" Well no more! I say it, to me or to someone else and I will do it. Or I won't commit to it.

Being wish washy is my ego wanting something. Wanting to be seen as perfect in someones eyes. Wanting to be a better man in my own eyes. Wanting to be an enlightened soul, walking the earth with my head above the fray. Not living, lying. Well the lies stop today. Somedays I do like to sleep late! There I said it. Fuck it. With love of course. Being gentle with myself is alien to me. In the past breaking my word has been a great way to beat myself up. I'm done. I am who I am, and with courage and discipline I am becoming the man I want to be. Who that is? I'm not sure. It starts with small steps, doing the best I can in each moment.

So I will be posting twice a week! No I am posting twice a week. Once I hit publish I've kept my word and keeping my word is my new law. It feels good.

1 comment:

  1. This was published in 2009? it sadens me that no one have commented. This tid bit of self-determination is rather inspireing