Monday, March 15, 2010
Today I am surrendering. Not like some eclair eating Frenchman who cons himself into loving strudel. Nor am I pretending to have won, like the the French in Southeast Asia. Okay it was the US, fine you pinko commie loving bastard, but the French started that one. I digress before I even begin.
Today I surrender, I realized the battle I was fighting was not necessary. It's been a long drawn out campaign. There's been death and destruction. Noses bloodied. Feelings hurt. Tears shed. Remarkably with all this pain and suffering it's not made the evening news. This has been a covert operation, an insidious campaign to wreak havoc. Like most wars this was a foolish fight over a simple misunderstanding. I being the bigger man, the better man, am simply walking away from this fight. It's easy to surrender today to my brilliant opponent, because I am surrendering to myself. I am laying down my arms, arms that were used to terrorize myself, and wrapping those arms around myself. Make Love Not War!
The past month, okay the majority of my life, has been a constant internal battle. Beating myself up for what I've done and what I've not done. At the start of this weekend, a Wizard School weekend, I was ready to bring the battle out and start blaming others. A piece of me was going to head into class Friday night, call out my teachers for being uncaring unsupportive frauds then walk out in a blaze of glory. It would have been quite a show, but I used my Wizarding tools took in a deep breath and decided to take a look at who actually was was doing the terrorizing.
Yup it was me. Damn this personal responsibility. It would have been much more entertaining to tell my very loving teachers to go fuck themselves. I imagine it would not have been the first time they've heard it, but I can guarantee I would have taught them a few new words. So deep breath taken, I sat down for my first process Friday night filled with venom, filled with hate, for myself and for my school, the root of all of my woes. And an angel sat in front of me, loving me right where I was and offered me a wee piece of wisdom.
Give up the fight, and simply love myself.
Huh? Where's the drama? Where's the carnage? Where's the blood, sweat and tears? I don't need them? Huh indeed. The remainder of my weekend was filled with brilliant explorations, courageous learning and the opportunity to bask in the collective glow of some radiant beings.
My post last weekend still holds true, I am marching forward, armed with military metaphors. I'm just doing it with new motivation, a new look. When I meet the enemy within, lets call him resistance today, I am going to surrender to him and love him. I've done it in the past and it worked quite well. Then I choose to ignore what worked and go back to some small arms fire, poking hole after hole in me. I had bled myself dry, I was out of gas and not happy. Part of me went back to those old habits of self-terrorizing for two reasons, it's what I was accustomed to, and I couldn't truly believe that the more productive and constructive way was so easy. Life is supposed to be hard?
I may be seemingly making light or war and of terrorism, but I am not. I truly believe with all my heart, that the wars we fight within ourselves are very real and just as damaging as the external battles. Nor do I make light of the pains inside of each of us, we all have our own path, or own experiences. I'm just choosing the path of love, not war. If the leaders in this world looked inward to their own battles, maybe we'd have a lot less death and destruction in the world. Far be it for me to say that the war in Iraq is just an angry dry drunks' attempt to exorcise his own personal demons on a country. Again this is an experiment, like all of my posts, all of my words of, uhhmmm, wisdom. I didn't get much that I wanted to get done last month with my steely resolved and harsh words. Only a bloodied nose and a very bruised ego. So this month I am setting beautiful intentions and using my nice words. I deserve a cheerleader, and why not be one for myself. No uniform needed.
Why don't you try it with me? You my brilliant amazing powerful magical fans. Be your own cheerleader. My favorite from my high school days - and sitting on the bench you learn all of them - is: S-U-C-C-E-S-S! THIS IS HOW WE SPELL SUCCESS! Come on try it at home or in your office. Just give it a go, you don't even have to stand up and flail your arms. Just sit there and cheer yourself on. For whatever it is you need to cheer. We are all cheer worthy. We are all worthy of loving ourselves. No mater what! Yes no matter what. Whatever seemingly unlovable thing you've done or not done, you are worthy of your love. And a cheer.
As always I want to thank you all for your love. For your support. And for your cheers. Each and everyone of you has touched me. And that love, in all it's forms, has helped me to surrender. Surrender to myself and surrender to this perfect moment.
My struggle reminded me of a beautiful poem by the late great Shel Silverstein, so I thought I'd share it with you -
HUG O' WAR
I will not play at tug o' war
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses
And everyone grins
And everyone cuddles
And everyone wins.
Today is a win. A big win. I love you all. And want you to be a S-U-C-C-E-S-S. And remember success is only a feeling.
Thanks for reading.
Love, Light and Laughs,