Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Good Morning People. Dare I say great morning, sure why not. Great Morning People.
First I want to thank you all for your Love and support. Today is day 16 (not that I'm counting) of my drug free Second Year experiment. I've had three cigarettes in those 16 days. I can't remember ever being so clear headed, focused, feeling good and happy to be feeling good. Not too shabby Bitter! Thank you, I could do it without you all, but you guys make it easier and heaps more fun.
Another weekend at Wizard School, another step closer to getting my wand. This is real Wizard School, not Harry Potter make believe wizarding. I mean come on, who gives out magic wands to students not ready for them? That's just silly, unbelievable even. If I got my magic wand a year ago, I would have quit school, waved up a pile of blow and a cadre of hookers. Problems solved! (Or at least misplaced.) Hogwarts West, my Wizard School, is teaching me to find out what it is I want first, or what I don't want, and giving me the tools to manifest. Then I get the wand. Well, I assume there's some kind of wand involved anyway - there fucking better be or I'll be manifesting a six pack of whoop ass and sharing it with my professors.
I know one thing I want. Actually today I am going to claim that I have a big slice of it sans wand. Courage. Nobody said that becoming a wielder of magic was going to be easy, nobody said it was going to be hard now that I think about it. It takes some big brass balls to do some of things I am doing. Either that or a touch of lunacy. Let me be more specific for those of you who aren't at my school, who chose to study elsewhere - I'm a firm believer we are all studying somewhere, willing or not.
To become a wielder of the light, to be able to wave my Wizard School wand, I must clear out the judgments I've created. And boy were there heaps of them. It can be fucking scary. And I am doing it. Looking back at moments in my life that I've judged myself as less than perfect, times when I shamed myself, ran off to the corners of my mind, made a decision that that was just too scary and clearing them out. Wizard School is learning the skills to become a Self-cleaner, or a Lover of my dirt. Out with the old beliefs, old misunderstandings so I can see what is really there, so I can own what has always been there. Not what I have to get to become happy, more what I have to get rid of to remember that I came in to this world happy. And loved. Remembering that all of the "shit" that makes up me is fucking perfect, it's my judgments that cloud that perfection. I am not my shit! Sounds like a t-shirt.
I have the greatest example of perfection, of the divine we all are, in my life right now, and for that I am filled with gratitude. A true wielder of magic, a perfect divine being, swaddled in Red Sox (Yes God is a Sox fan) gear. Hugs (named because rumor has it that's what she loves), a beautiful eight week old girl who lives up the street. I met her on her first day here amongst us and have watched her grow. I think she's been watching me grow too. It's been amazing, a blessing. Brings me back to sixteen years ago when another amazing little girl was brought into my life while I was nearby. She's a brilliant wielder of magic, a powerful wizard who with her sisters teach me heaps every moment I'm around them. But sixteen years ago my eyes were much more clouded with my own judgments that I couldn't see as clearly as I do now. Today I see the perfection in a little one hot off the presses. Today I can see the beauty in her reflecting back at me, and owning it a little bit in myself.
Her Dad and Mom are two of my best friends, two people who love me and, at times, think I'm crazy. I can hear Hugs' Dad laughing at me already, I look forward to it actually for he is one of my bullshit detectors (I have several). He is one of the people I've created in my life to help me along my path, to show me where I am. Before Hugs was born I wouldn't have been as comfortable using him as an example; my own shit, my own insecurities that I've moved beyond. We've both grown. And tell him now that there is no such thing as a divine being, he may not like the God speak, but I can see it in his eyes. Tell him his daughter isn't perfect. I dare you because he knows that she is and I'm fairly certain he'd punch you in the nose moments after you lied and said she wasn't. Not that I want you to get punched in the nose, but sometimes that's what it takes to get a point across. And my point is we are all perfect, we are all divine.
There are no accidents in this world. None. And I've been blessed to be shown, to be near, a perfect example of what I am doing for myself. Being a parent to myself, loving and nurturing myself, reminding myself that I am a perfect divine being. Like Hugs, nowhere near as cute or huggable, but you get the picture. I just forgot, and told myself that I wasn't. I bought into some misunderstandings I picked up along the road of life and forgot what it was to be a divine being. I blame nobody, because it's all perfect, there's nothing to blame anyone for. Nothing. We are all perfect.
We all are. I know, Bitter is becoming sappy. Bitter is trying to become happy again. And Bitter is writing about himself in the third person, maybe Bitter has gone off the deep end. So be it, I am happy most days. And bitter some days, the days I forget how brilliant I am, how brilliant we all are. As I've written before I could focus on all that's not going right in my life, but more and more I'm choosing to focus on gratitude for my life. That's not to say I don't want to make changes, clear out cobwebs. That's why I'm at Wizard School, to remember who I was when I came into this world. To reclaim that power and all my light. Hugs does it so easily, she is a beacon of remembrance for me. For that I am so grateful, I thank her every time I see her. That's why she's in my life, I wont speculate why she chose the parents she chose but I will say she has excellent taste.
This weekend I celebrated myself and my classmates taking giant steps toward that goal, the goal of living a joy filled life. It really is quite simple, I just forgot, we all did, and started packing away judgments up in the attic to keep us separated from God. One day it got so cluttered up in my attic that I looked up and couldn't see her, I only could see all the shit I had collected. Let me tell you, that kept me from wanting to look for a long time. Now I am cleaning out that attic. Some days the window is open, my aim is perfect and the shit flies out. Other days I get half way up the stairs, realize I forgot something in the kitchen and never get back up to do the cleaning. It's all great. I don't beat myself up (much) anymore, and that is a big step forward for me. Being hard on myself just doesn't work, well it's worked perfect when I wanted to be Bitter, but now I'm wanting a slice of happiness.
This is my journey, I hope you know I am not preaching, not selling you that my way is better than your way. Things that have been struggles for me, come easy for others. I know this, I've seen this, I love this. I do know we are all perfect. Yes even the douchebag who doesn't use his directional or the loudtalking prick at the coffee shop. I may not want to spend a great deal of time with those people, but that doesn't make either of us less than perfect. One man's annoyance is another man's love. Hey another T-shirt - I smell a BS clothing line.
Tomorrow I may want to strangle those folk, I'm not here to tell you I have it all figured out, you know that I trust. What I do know is what works for me. It does take work, and I'm off to do some.
Love, Light and Laughs,