Tuesday, January 5, 2010

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” ~ Lao Tzu

Greetings! A Joyous 2010 to you all.

Funny how time slips by when I am avoiding things. It's been five days since the new year, but only two days since my new year started. I'd given myself the weekend to continue to make old choices, yesterday was the beginning of the Bitter Spiritualist's New Year. My journey, my re-birth, from being a bitter angry lonely man to a happy loving guy.

Today was supposed to be the start of a new journey with the good people over at Souldiving. Lady Serendipity stepped in and they had to skip our first deadline. In the past this would have been a great opportunity for me to feel unloved and justified. And in the past that justification would have been to get high, smoke some cigarettes, and block out feelings. Today is a new day, for today is about me and my journey, my journey home to happiness, to God. I was (am?) in love with that little bee, and thought if only I could get her I'd be happy. I love Honeybee and Souldiving, but they certainly can't make me happy, only I can, with the help of God.

That's who our first posting was to be about, God. The title - "Who is God?" And I realized that I'm not sure, or more correctly, I am one hundred percent sure, I'm just not ready to share that yet. Because to share my thoughts on God, I have to share my thoughts on myself. And I'm working on that, piece by beautiful piece. Uncovering parts of me and bringing them to the light. My ego is in overdrive, wanting me to quit, wanting me to take a different path, but I'm still here and it is my intention to continue this brilliant journey.

So rather than trying to come up with some witty clever answer to the question "Who is God?", I am going to go deeper in my journey to understanding god, go deeper in my understanding of myself and commit fully to my journey to happiness. Every great journey starts with the first step, and my first step is becoming more open to God and my process. The new 2010 first step is living a drug-free, smoke-free life. At the least until I graduate from Wizard School!

For too long I have kept God and my fellow beings of light (that's you guys) at bay. So I am cutting out the smoke screen, I need it no more. Monday, January 4, 2010, was the first day of my drug-free, smoke-free path until graduation. After that day in August, I will reassess my situation and make choices from there.

The reality is that I have been unhappy, unhappy and hiding out from God. And the one constant, the one thing that would make that misery palatable was the smoke screen. If I did the right drug I could numb some part of me, I could tune out the messages from God. Something rippling my emotional pond? - I'll have a cigarette to squash that down. Feeling alone, insecure, unlovable? - there's a drug to mask those aches. I am ready to pull off the mask and heal the hurts. I am ready to face what comes my way, I have the strength and I have the team.

Of course day one's start was no accident. I spent the morning with a great friend, a friend I admire and respect enormously, who just happens to be coming up on 10 years of sobriety. He presented me with step one of the twelve steps, something I'd never looked at, and something I'm not committing to. I don't know how this is going to look, remember everything here at BS is an experiment, and this is no exception. I've not committed to sobreity, only to a smoke-free, drug-free experiment.

I am keeping myself honest by checking in with you all, my loving loyal fans. This is my happiness project, not my sobriety project. This is but one step, albeit an important one, in my journey toward becoming happy.

I am excited and a wee frightened about this journey, but I am going to do my best and in doing my best I will be giving myself something to be happy about. If I fall from this path, I will share it with you. THIS I GUARANTEE! I am done shaming myself and my choices. I am coming out of the shadows and into the light.

I hope this year is filled with wonder and joy for you, and for me.

Love, Light and Laughs,

1 comment:

  1. Wish you well on your journey brother. The happiness of will be found upon as well as to.


    Day 134