DEAR STUPID LAZY WEAK FOOLISH READERS -
I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW STUPID YOU ARE. SERIOUSLY ARE YOU A RETAHD? DEFINITELY A MORON. READING THIS, THINKING YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THIS, COME ON. THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE THAT ARE BETTER THAN YOU. SMARTER THAN YOU. I WORRY THAT YOUR PEA BRAIN WILL EXPLODE IF YOU TRY TOO HARD. PINHEAD.
OH AND PLEASE KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. NOBODY GIVES A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK. YOUR OPINIONS ARE WORTHLESS. YOU TALENTLESS FOOL. PEOPLE LIKE YOU SHOULD BE HIDDEN AWAY FROM THE GENERAL PUBLIC. REALLY I MEAN IT, LOCK YOUR DOOR, PULL THE SHADES DOWN AND DON'T COME OUT. NOBODY WANTS YOU AROUND, NOBODY. LOSER.
AND YOU'RE LOOKING A BIT CHUBBY. BUY AN AB ROLLER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. YOU THINKING YOU CAN PULL OFF THAT OUTFIT? WRONGO. THAT ZIT ON YOUR FACE MAKES YOU UGLY. YOUR FACE MAKES YOU UGLY. THOSE CROOKED YELLOW TEETH. NAPPY HAIR. THE WHOLE PACKAGE IS GROSS. YOU SHOULD JUST MOVE BACK IN WITH YOU MOMMA, NOT A SOUL IS GOING TO LOVE YOU.
I ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU HOW LAZY YOU ARE. YOU SIT AROUND ON YOUR FAT ASS. DOING NOTHING TO BETTER YOURSELF. NOTHING YOU DO HAS ANY WORTH, ANY REAL VALUE. IT'S BEST IF YOU DON'T EVEN TRY.
PLEASE FUCK OFF!
Those words, I'm happy to report, were really tough to write. I love you! Really I do. I can't even fathom saying those things to your face. Who says shite like that? No one I know. I would not spend any time around someone like that. Their asses would be fired from The Bitter Spiritualist staff lickity split. What kind of monster says those things to another human being? I can only think of one person who treats someone like that.
Me. To myself. Something implausible for me to say to another human being comes so naturally in my thinking about myself. That my friends is called negative self talk. Sure I may have ratcheted up the negativity, the insults, the slights, the jabs, to prove a point. But that toxic voice, loud or soft, resides in me. Always there to kick me when I was down, helping me to stay down. A dream would come up and the inner critic would come out. Showtime! Let's see how I can get The BS to give up another dream. He is very smart, very crafty this inner heckler of mine. He's a genius! He is my Inner Heckler.
It's easy, way too easy, for me to hear him when something important to me is on my brain. This blog for instance. He inspired me last night to write this post. After a weekend spent at Wizard School learning and loving, I sat down to write a bit about my experience. Instead of relishing and honoring myself and all of my beautiful classmates, my Inner Heckler came out for a visit. He sounded cranky, he does that when he's not getting enough air time. A sample - "Why are you writing about this? Your words can not do justice the beauty that you experienced. Don't even give it a feeble attempt. The people in class have it together way more than you do. They are truly on the path, you just skip down it every now and then. Blowhard...." You get the idea, I don't won't to give him too much time in the sun, he might think he has job security, he does not!
I am transferring my Inner Heckler to a new department. Corporate restructuring at The BS home offices in Santa Monica makes the move necessary. I thank you for all of the time we spent together Mister Heckler. In dark time your were the only voice that I allowed in, the only one I really listened to. You kept me safe when I thought I needed to be safe. Playing safe is no longer necessary for The BS. You are getting a promotion.
I am happy to report that you are now the Cheerman of the Board. Fancy title brother! Not to worry Mister Cheerman, I know it is going to take some time for retraining, but you can do it. Your new job has a lifetime guarantee, no more moves for you. Time for a your first training seminar. Practice makes perfect...... "Great post BS. Nice work. Nice pun, Cheerman, funny. You are a courageous Warrior of the Light. Lovable. Fuckable. Handsome. Brave. Strong. Funny as all mothafucking hell. Humble. Fucking (See you can still cuss up a storm.) brilliant!"
So I invite you my beautiful, brilliant, wise, funny, sexy, wondrous, magical, inspiring, dedicate readers to check in with your Inner Heckler. See what he has to say, he can be subtle. You can recognize him by the venom he spews. Any voice in you that is in judgment, who is not out for your highest good is your very own Inner Heckler. Give him a new position on your team. Director of Kicking Ass and Taking Names; Director of Cheering and Encouragement; President of the "You Are Awesome" fan club. Or use mine, it's a good one, Cheerman of the Board. Cheerman?! Genius.
As for my Outer Heckler, his job is secure. YANKEES SUCK!
Love, Light and a Chilly Bud.
My Inner Heckler can beat up your IH. Hey, maybe if we let them fight with each other, they'll leave us alone! I guess it's not that easy, but I know I am your outer fan and I am saying some nice stuff to myself today in honor of your inspiration. With admiration and love, Andy
ReplyDeleteyou don't even want to meet my inner heckler - she is one NASTY bitch! i am enjoying your writings.
ReplyDeletelove,maryellen
I think every person, but particularly a writer, wrestles with those inner voices (hecklers, critics, tormentors, or just plan evil people) that tell us we're never going to be as good as we want to be. Like Anne Lamott says in Bird by Bird, her book on writing, you just have to "quiet your mind so you can hear" what you as a writer have to say over all those "other voices in your mind. The other voices are banshees and monkeys," she says. "They are the voices of anxiety, judgment, doom, guilt." She's a firm believer in shitty first drafts and when she sits down to work on one of her own "shitty first drafts," she says that quieting those voices is half the battle she fights daily. So fix yourself a big margarita, give that heckler the finger or slap him in the face or throw him out of the place and persevere. What does he know anyway?
ReplyDeleteyou continue to inspire me with your honesty. I don't love it that you cuss so much, but you are fucking funny. Your Inner Heckler's new title is FANtastic. Purely genius. Continue rockin' the world with your smaht wizard magic. It really works.
ReplyDelete