Thursday, April 16, 2009
Today is a beautiful day. One of those days that makes me appreciate life, and more poignantly appreciate all the other days that I don't feel like this.
I am happy to report that days like this are fewer and fewer. I want to shut down. Grab some whiskey and leave my body and mind. Hey it's still morning so I may still dive in the Jamenson and get rip roaring drunk. Be melancholy and think about how my life sucks, how I can't get what I want. Wah, wah, wah.......
We all have triggers in life. Today mine is a lady, a beautiful lady who rejects me at every turn. Well after accepting me and loving me, then she rejects me. Always her answer is "I told you I didn't want to be in a relationship". And yet we talk numerous times during the day, share, love, have such a wonderful connection on many levels. But she did tell me. It's like dealing with a fucking lawyer.
I'm not blaming her. Even in my little pity party here I blame no one, not even me. I take full responsibility for my life. Oh I want to blame, I want to yell. Yet another example of the bitter in The Bitter Spiritualist. Ownership tastes like shit today.
Fucking ownership of my life! Does that suck sometimes. Yeah, yeah, it's beautiful, it's freeing, it empowering, but it can suck the life right out of me. In the past I would shut down, not anymore. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.........What to do with this anger? More of a rhetorical question there. I am going to write an anger letter.
An anger letter you say! What's that? Well inside of me is all of this bile just waiting for the trigger to appear. If I drove anywhere right now I know I'd be screaming at the cunt who didn't use a directional. Hey maybe get into an honest to goodness donneybrook. It's been awhile since I've felt that satisfying feeling of my fist against someones face. And would I let some anger out. In such a very unhealthy way, for me and those around me.
So I write a letter instead. Important to put pen to paper, no typing. I am going to write lots of mean nasty stuff. About lots of things. Whatever comes up. Sure this morning I already anticipate a star in my anger letter, but it's not about them. No one but me is going to see this letter. I am not going to even read the letter when I'm done. I'm going to burn that bile. Send it out to The Universe to be cleansed. It will be out of me, then I can go get something to eat. After releasing all this junk I know there will be some space for a cheeseburger.
Well I better post this and get to work. Fucking anger letter!