Fearful Friday

Walking around Scottsdale today - okay walking around two supermarkets, it's far too mothafucking hot to actually walk outside - I was trying to figure out what it is about this place I don't like. Something about this place annoys me.

Sure I could go for the easy answers, the aforementioned Saharan heat, the staunch republican views, the just say no to Mexicans policies, but it hit me today. Most folks here are living in scared. Just walking around today it was clear to me. From the elderly couple who nearly pushed over the bread rack to get out of my way while avoiding eye contact, to the woman who scurried past me as I smiled and said hello, to the angry bagel seller mumbled under his breath while never actually addressing my ever-so-witty comments, they were all living in fear.

Now if I live my life, which I try (keyword try) to do, that everything around me is my perfect mirror, I must accept that there is a heap of fear within me. Hell I've known it for along time, I've written about, written about how I was going to change it, and I sit here writing of it again. Perhaps I will do something about it! Perhaps.

At times in my life I've lived courageously, things that scared me, that induced vomit at the thought of doing, I dove into. Not my whole life, but flashes of it here and there. Recent history has seen far less flash, far more fear. Is it age? When did the world get so scary? When did sharing myself get so scary? When did risking looking like a fool get so scary?

I'm not sure, but it did. And I want that to change, because there is not a chance in fucking hell I am moving to Scottsdale.

These little writings I've been posting this week are part of my campaign to face my fears, love them and do what I want to do. Sharing work that hasn't been molded to my exact liking is scary for me. Lots of opportunities to face some old fearful friends and do it anyway.

Thanks for helping me face my fears as I continue to Ramble On.

Thursdays

An odd peace has started to flow through me. Letting go of some and not fretting about the things still held tightly.

Wants and desires still very much present, yet having them go unfulfilled is not a recipe for dark thoughts. My glasses are not rose colored, perhaps they never will be. I am grateful for what I have, for who I am, for the people in my life.

The Super Ball no longer bounces around in my brain battering me. I have freed myself. More work to be done. Dare I write that I am looking forward to the work, I know it will bring me greater peace, a big slice of happiness.

I do miss. I do reflect back in trying hours, wondering. I'll never know, the ire that the unknowing once delivered left when I wasn't paying attention.

I am transforming. Simple choices and I can open my eyes, look in the mirror and see the man I want to be.

Moments. That is all I have. All any of us have. Why waste those moments on regret and anger? Choices.

Choices.

Now I choose, to Ramble On.......

International Day of Peace

I missed the International Day of Peace. Technically I'd heard of it, but it didn't seem like something I was interested in. And that was telling.

I've not been very peaceful, particularly to myself. Peace? It seems alien right now, and that is something I want to change. I am beginning to practice peace, at home, inside of me. Today I stop the internal wars. Sure a skirmish will flare up from time to time, maybe a nasty battle every no and then. But I am stopping the war, and beginning a plan of reconciliation.

For too long, okay for just the right amount of time, I have been at odds with aspects of myself. Not doing anything to change that, not taking the necessary actions to bring about peace. Today it changes, today I am turning up the peace. It burns a little, yet I know it's good for me. I'm just not used to it. Yet. With practice peace will reign, that is the a beautiful beginning.

Troubled is so last year. I want to lead an untroubled life. Let down my shields and see what is out there.

To continue on the corny cliches, today is the first day of Fall. I know I may fall, I may throw a match on some gasoline and start a wee war. But I will pick myself up and take a beautiful wizz on the fires, I started them I can put them out, and look inside. Look into my heart, where peace always resides. So what if I Fall, it's getting back up that is gives me strength. To quote Batman's Dad - "We fall so we can learn to get back up." Okay it's more of a paraphrase, but it sounds cool, it sounds really cool when Michael Caine says it.

So Happy Belated International Day of Peace. I'm making it a lifetime quest, not just a day. I'm going to celebrate by patting the dogs and watching some cartoons. Bruno is kissing Jolly right now, they are on the Peace Train, I'm on board as well.

I continue to, Ramble On.........

Stretching Out

The not knowing is what can drive a man crazy. Okay maybe it's just this man. So many are comfortable, relish, the not knowing. I'm stuck in neutral. Not going forward. Hopefully not going backward, so there's a plus.

Stretching my muscles, before I begin this new stroll in life. I do have my shoes tied and my socks pulled up, and I don't want to pull a muscle. Heavens no I don't want to do that.

I'm sure there's a few folk reading theses posts (Hi Sis!) wondering what I am writing about. I'd love to give you an answer, other than the best answer.

I am writing. And sharing the goop. Which is exactly what I needed to do. Perhaps I am just standing in the corner like any other whore.......

LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! I'm so special, you should all just look at me. But don't get too close. And don't look me in the eye. And don't talk to me or of me. Just look at me and bask at my specialness. Sure I sugar coat it in some dribble or some lesson or quaint little story about how you and I are alike, but really isn't this just some stroke piece. The Look at Bitter Project!

No it isn't, but today it feels like that. I'm feeling anyway, which is a good thing. I checked in with world today and I just want to go further out in the desert, away from everyone, mostly myself. But I'm still here and I'm still sharing. So some part of me knows that running is a cowards choice, a choice I've made in the past and no longer serves me.

Sure I am a rambling bumbling incoherent mess, but it's me. Nothing clouding my thoughts but an Oreo or two and Camel.

I feel like whining and I am whining. Knowing how truly blessed I am, and yet I still whine. Painted myself in to a corner, but I do know I'm the guy holding the paint brush. And who cares if I step on the painted floor? Me and only me. I am ready to walk on the paint. Leave my footprints. Isn't that what everyone wants? To create and leave your mark. That's what I want anyway.

I'm just afraid.

Rambling on........

Sock Pulled Up

A freight train bearing down the tracks. No hope of control. The brakes burnt out on the last turn, attempts to slow down. Chug, chug. She's moving out of control. Wondering when and where the abrupt stop will come.

Three days of television have rotted my brain and I love it. Now I know why I don't have television in my home. Boy I'd never leave the couch. Wiping drool from my chin, getting up to shovel more food into my leaking mouth, then back to the couch for more, hmmm, entertainment. Okay some of it's been entertainment, most has been numbing. Drugs???? Man this is the worst drug I can think of using. Okay a speedball and a bottle of whiskey may do more harm to the body, but definitely not more harm to the brain.

Sleeping late and going to bed early. Not exactly what I had in mind when I headed out to the desert.

At least now my shoes are tied and my socks are pulled up. Travel takes some planning and takes some actions before I head out. And we all know how important proper footwear is.

Is God still on my side? Is he still in Love with me? Even when I hate him, even when I question his intentions? Is that the ultimate showing of Love? To love someone who doesn't love you? Then I've lived (loved?) that life, and deserve my reward. For I have loved and not been loved back. Just like God.

No I've not lost my mind. Fuck if I care if I did or not. I just don't want the phone ringing, wondering if I have.

Rambling on.......

Shoes Tied

Today I start a new path on my journey. I'm not sure where my journey will take me, I'm not even sure where I've been.

I've been avoiding life, avoiding myself, avoiding my purpose, avoiding, avoiding, avoiding....

Motivations come from the most bizarre and embarrassing of places. Why I type tonight makes me sad, makes me angry, makes me feel small. I am choosing in this moments to feel all of those feelings and do something about them. Today I step out of the shadows and begin to wander anew. Focus is needed, but tonight I have none. I just know that I have to start somewhere, so why not sitting on the couch, three dogs by my side.

I am a hack, I have been a hack most of my life. Squandering the gifts I have been blessed with. Never practicing, never really working, skating by. Using the gifts to beat myself and remain entrenched in a malaise of self-righteousness.

I begin. Again.

My life is not where I want it to be, and I've only to take shift my perspective and see that my life is perfect. Tonight I use the hurts, the bumps, the bruises, the heartaches as fuel to fire the great power that is inside of me. The power that is all of us.

I feel like a failure. I feel lost. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel joyful. I feel grateful. I feel, I feel, I feel. I am not the feelings. I'm not sure what I am.

The light that emanates inside of me, that pours into me has been dulled for a long time. Just the perfect amount of time I am sure, but tonight I want to grieve, want to feel not good enough. Feel unlovable, even as my three furry buddies assure me that I am love and loved.

Trudging through this sludge, my blurry eyes begin to clear and I see I need to make some changes. Let go of the past, let go of the future, let go of my hopes and my dreams. Let go. And live.

My path has brought me to the desert, alone with my thoughts, alone with my feelings. The world I have created is not the world I want to live in. So I will make changes, take action so that I may be happy. That is all I want. That feeling seems so far away, a gap that I know I can cross with the smallest of steps. Tonight I have tied my shoes, not ready to take the first step, but gearing up for it.

I ramble on....