Greetings from the Asylum -
Life is funny. God is funnier. They both can be annoying, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Today I write this story for (hopefully!?) the last time so I can move on to new stories. I've been stuck and this post, originally penned in September, has been wanting it's moment in the sun. It's been rewritten, like myself, since then, but the story remains the same, a story of my heart, a story of love. Six months after the original draft it's a great barometer about how far I've traveled and how much my heart remains the same.
It's a story about a girl. About a boy loving a girl. About a boy loving a girl who's really not that into him. About a boy trusting his heart and trusting the beauty and the magic of life. It's a story of Acceptance Through Rejection. (And people wonder why I am Bitter?) I will tell this story as best I can through a Wizard School handout on Acceptance so that I can use this experience as an opportunity to anchor in the learning, share and celebrate.
This handout details the stages of Acceptance of an event.
Step One in Acceptance is the what, the thing that happened, the story - that's the boy loving a girl bit. Wednesday night I found myself in the lobby of Wizard School for a night of magic and wonder, otherwise known as a Wizard School sales pitch showcase. In the exact same place she stood last September, was the woman I love, the woman who in August I'd asked to marry me (her answer is clear I believe). The original drafts of this story went on about how special this love is, about the magic we share. I've edited those out, not because they aren't true, but six months of clarity inducing wizarding has given me a greater bullshit (ego) detector.
My September spotting was a trigger, I shut off, my heart sank, tears welled, I began to judge. I'm happy to report Wednesdays spotting was with an open heart and the cracks of a smile on my face. We embraced, said our hellos, we moved on (her as always seemingly easier than I, ahhh the ego). This is the point in September where I find out the guy she's schtooping is one of the graduate success story speakers (Great! Thanks God, you fucker.), February brought me none of those fantastic tidbits of information. She sat beside me (well the shut off angry version of me) in September, she sat in front of me on Wednesday.
Which brings us to Stage Two of Acceptance, Neutral Observation. I am happy to report that this came so easy to me the other night, I never had to get there, for I was residing there, curious as to why God had brought this event back around for another gander. In September it was through blood, sweat, tears and clearly an intervention from God that neutrality, the ability to observe and not wallow, came to me. Back then I felt awful, retreating inward, shutting myself down to keep myself small, wrong, unworthy...you get the idea. Wednesday night I felt connected to Spirit and dare I write happy, happy with me and happy to see her.
Both evenings, this Observation was a reminder to me of what my heart wants. Of why I love this woman. The connection was there for me, a beautiful light of connectivity, of true magic. My perfect mirror, both of us basking in the Light, as we simultaneously pulled out our notebooks (she now writing in my brand I and my ego observed, earlier it was some frilly chick notebook), jotting down thoughts and ideas. Happened both nights. September I observed her private smiles and girlish I'm boning that guy giggles to the man she was dating (they date no longer); Wednesday I observed her rubbing her two friends, doing a little energy work on them both. One of them (the one I don't know) giving a little energy work back in the form of the thigh rub/pinch move time and again, not that I, the enlightened egoless being, would notice such things. For that would make me human. And truth be told, it doesn't really matter, but it is funny.
Very easily I moved into Stage Three of Acceptance, responding from my Authentic Self, from my truth, from my heart. I Accepted that I Love this woman. That she is the one I want to share my life with, the person I want to kiss in the morning, share my day with and hear about her day, the person I want to create with, and her warm breath the last thing I feel before I fall asleep. Waves of compassion and peace flowed over me. It was beautiful, waves of Love, waves of knowing, waves of, yes, Acceptance flowed through me. She gently rested her head on my shoulder in September, February it was her reaching out to hold hands, that spark that I know to be true, flowed through me.
In September my Acceptance stopped there, I wasn't ready to move on. The whole post was another tap dance for her to see me, now I realize it was me not seeing me, I do now. I Accept more and more of me. This week brings a new level of acceptance, acceptance that takes much more courage. Accepting that she and I together may not be part of God's beautiful dance. I've said it, written it and wished it, but now I accept it. Sure it hurts. Part of me doesn't even believe it to be true, but I accept that. I am accepting me and this situation, just as it is, not as I want it to be. Accepting and Loving me.
Which leads to the final stage, Stage Four for those of you keeping track at home, of Acceptance. Actions and Choices. I am clear that I will not settle for anything but what my heart really wants. I am so clear on that, in all of life’s uncertainties, it’s nice to be clear on that. So I will walk away from her, let her live and Love, and I will do the same. No restrictions, no judgments, simply choices. And I will continue to Love her and use that Love to take more actions, make more choices. Self honoring, self loving choices for me and me alone. Knowing that these choices are choices to Accept myself more fully, Accept and Love who I am. Clearly God thinks I can not do it with her by my side.
After my September experience, I wrote this story, but found I couldn't post it and found myself going back to her, using her even when she wasn't physically there. I would set some weak boundary, and it soon would be broken. I would re-accept her Facebook friend request (Gasp!) and start another of our beautiful conversations. I'd start right back in, believing that if only I did this I could change her heart. I was living a fantasy. It was heart aching, it was sad, it was a wee pathetic. It aches my heart, but not as much as not being true to my heart. I don't want to be her buddy, and that's what it seems she wants. Since my brilliant August proposal the one where she said thanks but no thanks, I've attempted to gain clarity on what she wants out of us, but realize it's not really about what she wants, it's about what I want. And what she was willing to give was not what I want. Maybe someday I will be ready to be pals who check in from time to time. Maybe someday she will be ready to commit to she and I being an Us. Now with my new level of Acceptance, with a new level of courage, I can and will move on.
And that is what courage means, being true to your heart. It came to me in a meditation of sorts immediately prior to seeing her this week. Then a not so subtle reminder was hammered home in a video taped message from an author as part of the presentation. That video helped me two years ago decide to go to Wizard School. Last class weekend the woman from the video came up to me to sing my praise and offer me a wee bit of authorly advice. I couldn't believe she was there in class, couldn't believe she singled me out and couldn't believe she was speaking to me again, via video tape, this week. She was talking of courage and at it's root it means from the heart (from the French word for heart, Coeur). I told you God is funny.
This courage may not be the stuff of action movies, but it is a big step for me. Sharing my heart on a deeper level with myself and with you. Realizing that courage is not hiding my heart, not being "tough", but rather being sweet (see Bitter to Sweet) and open and loving. Sure my ego did resist that, just ask the two college kids who cut me off in the Ralphs parking lot that I threatened to slap, after I walked away from my new definition of courage to get some Ben & Jerry's - Hey it's better thank a cigarette and some dope!
The courage to say I do have an ego. The courage to trust my heart. The courage to say if you don't like it, I hear you. Hello or Goodbye. And that's what I've done. Said goodbye. I wrote this love letter before and didn't have the courage to post it. Now I do, the courage to say hello to my heart, the courage to say goodbye to my love, the courage to accept the beauty and the sorrow of life. And Love them both.
So I love a woman. Big deal, lots of people have loved and lost. I know this, I accept this. In that meditation, the one about courage, what I had discovered was a fear of being seen as a coward. A misunderstanding I created that to know and show my heart was weak. A base fear, a fear that I believed on some level to be true, that I was weak and that I was a coward. Not easy things to look at, not easy things to share. So I am treating this post as an example that I am not a coward. A sucker in love maybe, but not a coward. It that gives me more strength to dig deeper, to reveal and heal. That however sappy I can be, I am brave. Brilliantly deranged, but brave.
I do want to thank my friends, you know who you are. The one's I bitched to in my victim state about how wronged I was. It wasn't true, it was perfect. How much I love a girl who just wasn't that in to me. It was exactly what I needed. She loved me, she loves me, it wasn't meant to be, there's no need to judge or resent, not to protect me anyway. I am moving on, done playing the victim poor me role, moving on with a song in my heart. You were good sports, great friends, and for that I am filled with gratitude. You may never have understood my love, you may have even tried to call me crazy, but I know you always loved me. That is something I cherish, something I hold sacred.
And I will take a moment to thank her (funny the whole post and no nickname) in the silence (and apparently on the internet). She got me to Wizard School, and now God has pushed me from the nest so I may fly. I Love her today more than ever, and I accept that, and move forward. Knowing. I don't fully understand why I love her so, I don't fully understand why she has always resisted my love, but I am done trying to understand, I am accepting and moving on. I am surrendering to my life and my beautiful process, and diving deeper into the river's current, seeing where it takes me next. So to you, Lady, I write the five words that sum it all up - Thank You. I Love You.
My love letters continue, now they are to God and to you lucky pricks. I release this story so I may reconnect to The Great Story In The Sky. Thank you for reading. Thank you for Loving.
Love, Light and Laughs
BS
PS: Next post I will write about the mediation technique that helped me get this story posted. I call is Write and Burn. It's got tears and fire, perfect for boys and girls!
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