Fearful Friday

Walking around Scottsdale today - okay walking around two supermarkets, it's far too mothafucking hot to actually walk outside - I was trying to figure out what it is about this place I don't like. Something about this place annoys me.

Sure I could go for the easy answers, the aforementioned Saharan heat, the staunch republican views, the just say no to Mexicans policies, but it hit me today. Most folks here are living in scared. Just walking around today it was clear to me. From the elderly couple who nearly pushed over the bread rack to get out of my way while avoiding eye contact, to the woman who scurried past me as I smiled and said hello, to the angry bagel seller mumbled under his breath while never actually addressing my ever-so-witty comments, they were all living in fear.

Now if I live my life, which I try (keyword try) to do, that everything around me is my perfect mirror, I must accept that there is a heap of fear within me. Hell I've known it for along time, I've written about, written about how I was going to change it, and I sit here writing of it again. Perhaps I will do something about it! Perhaps.

At times in my life I've lived courageously, things that scared me, that induced vomit at the thought of doing, I dove into. Not my whole life, but flashes of it here and there. Recent history has seen far less flash, far more fear. Is it age? When did the world get so scary? When did sharing myself get so scary? When did risking looking like a fool get so scary?

I'm not sure, but it did. And I want that to change, because there is not a chance in fucking hell I am moving to Scottsdale.

These little writings I've been posting this week are part of my campaign to face my fears, love them and do what I want to do. Sharing work that hasn't been molded to my exact liking is scary for me. Lots of opportunities to face some old fearful friends and do it anyway.

Thanks for helping me face my fears as I continue to Ramble On.

Thursdays

An odd peace has started to flow through me. Letting go of some and not fretting about the things still held tightly.

Wants and desires still very much present, yet having them go unfulfilled is not a recipe for dark thoughts. My glasses are not rose colored, perhaps they never will be. I am grateful for what I have, for who I am, for the people in my life.

The Super Ball no longer bounces around in my brain battering me. I have freed myself. More work to be done. Dare I write that I am looking forward to the work, I know it will bring me greater peace, a big slice of happiness.

I do miss. I do reflect back in trying hours, wondering. I'll never know, the ire that the unknowing once delivered left when I wasn't paying attention.

I am transforming. Simple choices and I can open my eyes, look in the mirror and see the man I want to be.

Moments. That is all I have. All any of us have. Why waste those moments on regret and anger? Choices.

Choices.

Now I choose, to Ramble On.......

International Day of Peace

I missed the International Day of Peace. Technically I'd heard of it, but it didn't seem like something I was interested in. And that was telling.

I've not been very peaceful, particularly to myself. Peace? It seems alien right now, and that is something I want to change. I am beginning to practice peace, at home, inside of me. Today I stop the internal wars. Sure a skirmish will flare up from time to time, maybe a nasty battle every no and then. But I am stopping the war, and beginning a plan of reconciliation.

For too long, okay for just the right amount of time, I have been at odds with aspects of myself. Not doing anything to change that, not taking the necessary actions to bring about peace. Today it changes, today I am turning up the peace. It burns a little, yet I know it's good for me. I'm just not used to it. Yet. With practice peace will reign, that is the a beautiful beginning.

Troubled is so last year. I want to lead an untroubled life. Let down my shields and see what is out there.

To continue on the corny cliches, today is the first day of Fall. I know I may fall, I may throw a match on some gasoline and start a wee war. But I will pick myself up and take a beautiful wizz on the fires, I started them I can put them out, and look inside. Look into my heart, where peace always resides. So what if I Fall, it's getting back up that is gives me strength. To quote Batman's Dad - "We fall so we can learn to get back up." Okay it's more of a paraphrase, but it sounds cool, it sounds really cool when Michael Caine says it.

So Happy Belated International Day of Peace. I'm making it a lifetime quest, not just a day. I'm going to celebrate by patting the dogs and watching some cartoons. Bruno is kissing Jolly right now, they are on the Peace Train, I'm on board as well.

I continue to, Ramble On.........

Stretching Out

The not knowing is what can drive a man crazy. Okay maybe it's just this man. So many are comfortable, relish, the not knowing. I'm stuck in neutral. Not going forward. Hopefully not going backward, so there's a plus.

Stretching my muscles, before I begin this new stroll in life. I do have my shoes tied and my socks pulled up, and I don't want to pull a muscle. Heavens no I don't want to do that.

I'm sure there's a few folk reading theses posts (Hi Sis!) wondering what I am writing about. I'd love to give you an answer, other than the best answer.

I am writing. And sharing the goop. Which is exactly what I needed to do. Perhaps I am just standing in the corner like any other whore.......

LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! I'm so special, you should all just look at me. But don't get too close. And don't look me in the eye. And don't talk to me or of me. Just look at me and bask at my specialness. Sure I sugar coat it in some dribble or some lesson or quaint little story about how you and I are alike, but really isn't this just some stroke piece. The Look at Bitter Project!

No it isn't, but today it feels like that. I'm feeling anyway, which is a good thing. I checked in with world today and I just want to go further out in the desert, away from everyone, mostly myself. But I'm still here and I'm still sharing. So some part of me knows that running is a cowards choice, a choice I've made in the past and no longer serves me.

Sure I am a rambling bumbling incoherent mess, but it's me. Nothing clouding my thoughts but an Oreo or two and Camel.

I feel like whining and I am whining. Knowing how truly blessed I am, and yet I still whine. Painted myself in to a corner, but I do know I'm the guy holding the paint brush. And who cares if I step on the painted floor? Me and only me. I am ready to walk on the paint. Leave my footprints. Isn't that what everyone wants? To create and leave your mark. That's what I want anyway.

I'm just afraid.

Rambling on........

Sock Pulled Up

A freight train bearing down the tracks. No hope of control. The brakes burnt out on the last turn, attempts to slow down. Chug, chug. She's moving out of control. Wondering when and where the abrupt stop will come.

Three days of television have rotted my brain and I love it. Now I know why I don't have television in my home. Boy I'd never leave the couch. Wiping drool from my chin, getting up to shovel more food into my leaking mouth, then back to the couch for more, hmmm, entertainment. Okay some of it's been entertainment, most has been numbing. Drugs???? Man this is the worst drug I can think of using. Okay a speedball and a bottle of whiskey may do more harm to the body, but definitely not more harm to the brain.

Sleeping late and going to bed early. Not exactly what I had in mind when I headed out to the desert.

At least now my shoes are tied and my socks are pulled up. Travel takes some planning and takes some actions before I head out. And we all know how important proper footwear is.

Is God still on my side? Is he still in Love with me? Even when I hate him, even when I question his intentions? Is that the ultimate showing of Love? To love someone who doesn't love you? Then I've lived (loved?) that life, and deserve my reward. For I have loved and not been loved back. Just like God.

No I've not lost my mind. Fuck if I care if I did or not. I just don't want the phone ringing, wondering if I have.

Rambling on.......

Shoes Tied

Today I start a new path on my journey. I'm not sure where my journey will take me, I'm not even sure where I've been.

I've been avoiding life, avoiding myself, avoiding my purpose, avoiding, avoiding, avoiding....

Motivations come from the most bizarre and embarrassing of places. Why I type tonight makes me sad, makes me angry, makes me feel small. I am choosing in this moments to feel all of those feelings and do something about them. Today I step out of the shadows and begin to wander anew. Focus is needed, but tonight I have none. I just know that I have to start somewhere, so why not sitting on the couch, three dogs by my side.

I am a hack, I have been a hack most of my life. Squandering the gifts I have been blessed with. Never practicing, never really working, skating by. Using the gifts to beat myself and remain entrenched in a malaise of self-righteousness.

I begin. Again.

My life is not where I want it to be, and I've only to take shift my perspective and see that my life is perfect. Tonight I use the hurts, the bumps, the bruises, the heartaches as fuel to fire the great power that is inside of me. The power that is all of us.

I feel like a failure. I feel lost. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel hurt. I feel joyful. I feel grateful. I feel, I feel, I feel. I am not the feelings. I'm not sure what I am.

The light that emanates inside of me, that pours into me has been dulled for a long time. Just the perfect amount of time I am sure, but tonight I want to grieve, want to feel not good enough. Feel unlovable, even as my three furry buddies assure me that I am love and loved.

Trudging through this sludge, my blurry eyes begin to clear and I see I need to make some changes. Let go of the past, let go of the future, let go of my hopes and my dreams. Let go. And live.

My path has brought me to the desert, alone with my thoughts, alone with my feelings. The world I have created is not the world I want to live in. So I will make changes, take action so that I may be happy. That is all I want. That feeling seems so far away, a gap that I know I can cross with the smallest of steps. Tonight I have tied my shoes, not ready to take the first step, but gearing up for it.

I ramble on....

Credit Cards: A Love Story Gone Bad

My pardon for not posting earlier, but I've been on the phone. Busy talking with lots of wonderful people asking me for money. Clearly I was mistaken about this whole credit thing. They gave me all this money and now they want me to pay it back?! And by the volume of calls I've been receiving, they really really want me to pay them back. Sooner rather than later.

Let's begin at the beginning, no not the very beginning. More like the middle. The beginning of the end. That's more like it. The beginning of the end of my Financial Freedom. The beginning of "THE DEBT" - soon to be a major minor mini-series which is going to pay off my debt. Then it's back for "Financial Freedom II: New beginnings", or "Fresh Start". Something just cheesedicky enough that people will lap up like a big bowl of milk and will get me on The Oprah to promote it. And once I get on The Oprah I will be good enough.

I owe two credit institutions money. Discover, the crazies from Utah - I'm not even sure they are from Utah*, but the phone calls come from there. I envision of a bunch of blond haired, blued eyed, un-caffeinated polygamists hanging out talking about converting everyone to the Church of Latter Day Saints between leg breaking calls and naps. And the fantastic folks at Citi. Uppity hyper caffeinated New Yorkers who talk about playing squash and weekends gardening at their hideaways in Connecticut. Three different accounts with the Citi folk. I didn't even know one of my cards was with Citi. I do now.

I can't believe how much money these two companies lent me. I haven't had a real job in years. Since 2002 I believe. Really I was in a major funk, lost, unhappy for the most part, certainly not motivated to make a living. Why should I? These companies were telling me it was okay to be depressed, okay not to work. They were rewarding me for it. They just kept upping my credit lines. Juggling from one account to the other. Borrowing money from Citi to payoff Citi. Revolving credit, oh you sweet temptress, how you lured me into your web.

I love talking to these people. I get to practice Wizard School techniques in lieu of telling them to go fuck themselves. The Citi folks especially. God love those brave men and women that go into the collection world for credit cards these days. One of the gals had the audacity to tell me I should move to a cheaper place so I can start paying them off. Great idea, thanks for the advice. Mental midgets flying around on corporate jets from vacation home to vacation home after a hard week in their penthouse office and I should go live with seven other dudes in a three bedroom fixer upper in Palmdale? Right on it ma'am. I'm so sorry to think I deserve my lavish one bedroom apartment in Santa Monica. You're right, I've sinned against you and to hell I should go.**

And you Discover, you're the more demanding lady. You’re the little dog with a big bark. Sure you're both whores, but you were the known whore. Everyone knows you'll sleep around with anyone. Throwing your money around to any schmuck, myself included. And then putting the squeeze on the dupe when he can't pay it back. I knew you were diseased. That's why I used you last. After rolling around with you, my reputation would be sullied. Forgive me I was desperate. The last thing I purchased on credit was a transmission for my Volvo. Yes spending wildly on hookers and eight balls was a bit of a tale I told my mom just to be cool.

Does anyone wonder why these companies went south? Had to take out loans (grafts?) from the Federal Government? I was irresponsible with my credit. Most definitely I was, but these guys were nuts. Or geniuses. What a country. Run yourself into the ground with a heaps and heaps of bad loans and then have the Feds rush in on their magical stallion and save the day. Genius.

Hell I want the Feds to come rescue me from this self imposed burden. Where's my grant Obama? I'm going to school to learn how to operate in this world, how to be a responsible man operating with integrity. I am back and better than ever. I'm writing again. Getting work here and there. Have had a few very loving angels help me out with their generosity to pay my rent, bills and tuition. Getting out from the haze I put myself in soon after a few traumatic events. I am back on my feet. What are the credit card companies doing?

Fifty billion dollars, that's $50,000,000,000.00. That is a lot of zeros that Citi received (please see footnote). Discover considerably less, but still in the billions, yes billions with a B. I didn't even come close to borrowing that and you people call me as many as 15 times a day. How many times a day is Obama calling you? Are you taking the call?. Don't worry, it's okay to duck one when you don't feel like talking. I don't blame you. They have to be calling every minute, every second, multiple calls per second. I hope they are calling, that's taxpayer (read - not me) money. $50,000,000,000.00 I just had to type it again. Wow. It's a little disheartening, I don't feel so special, clearly you were giving a lot of people way too much money. It wasn't just me, sniff, sniff. I thought we had something between us Citi, I thought you'd be different. Classier, more refined than the Discover whores. Nope, spreading your legs all over town. Giving not just to this depressed lounge about, but a whole lot of others. That must be a lot of tacos and Bud. And now you want me to pay you back? Wasn't the dance enough? Time to move on from each other. Wash our hands of this whole relationship. We had some good times. We laughed. We both looked really good. The places we went, the food, the drink, the people. The high life was never easier.

There's no way I am paying these guys back all the money they say I owe. I've been reading up on it, and they don't seem to expect all the money back. Phew. Thousands of dollars in fees and fines and laughable interest rates. Yeah sure I'm going to pay the 29 interest on my debts. Are you high? What's your points on the governmental pie your chewing on? What is the compounded interest on $50,000,000,000.00 a month anyway? That could pay for a few more teachers I bet.

Come on party people the credit rave is over. The ecstasy has worn off, the glow stick has dimmed, it's time to spend what I earn, or less. And the oppressive thumb of credit companies is not going to keep this cowboy down. I'm hung-over from the bad choices we both made. Let's shake hands, say our goodbyes and move on. No walk of shame, but possibly an STD test. We can all hold our heads high, it was a great romp. I'm not paying any additional fees for our bad choices. I'll pay you when I have the money. I’ve even started to a little. Threats be damned. What can you twist my arm with? Take the slightly used transmission from my 1994 Volvo station wagon? She is a beauty I'll give you that, but I'm going to have to borrow your Mercedes to get to work.

Now it's time to get back with our lives. Start doing things that matter to me. And your attempts to put your foot on my throat, to recapture past glories isn't going to work. So stop it. It's embarrassing. And I gotta say, you seem a little desperate. Which is not an attractive quality in anybody.

So thank you for the life lessons. I know you are most welcome for the one's I have taught you. Let's not talk anymore. If you need to say anything just write me. And I'll do the same.

To Financial Freedom for you and me, I bid you a fond farewell,
The Bitter Spiritualist

PS: I AM A WEALTHY MAN!

*I'm not sure of any of my facts or figures, I could have done some research, got some of the facts and figures right, even in the ballpark, but I don't really give a fuck. About facts that is, ballparks that's another story.

** Not that Palmdale is hell. I don't think I've been there, it just seems really hot.