Greetings People -

Been busy here at the home office. Actually was working an away game - away for me anyway, I did get out of the house. And I don't get out much. Making Hollywood magic.

Just checking my email and fucking off, so I thought I'd chirp in with a quick progress report. I continue to find myself annoying, yet exceedingly likable. And I did have two cigarettes this week. Gasp. Just needed to put that on the record as I intend to operatewith micro-honesty and integrity. Yeah you, my lucky readers, are like my support group. Yes lucky you.

My intention is smoke and drug free, and if I stumble I'll keep you posted, even a smoke or two. This way, if I go on a four day crack binge I will report it. I am crack free! I mean I was prior to the new year, but I figured I'd celebrate victories for battles not fought. Why not make shit easier.

Okay. Battery dying. Sun blinding my vision. Homeless folk lovingly pestering me - not for a cigarette anymore! - it's time to get some work done.

Wizard School this weekend. Maybe we get our brooms this weekend.

Love, Light and Laughs,
BS

Authentic! The New Cool.

Good Morning

Was just reading some of the dribble I've shoveled the last few days and wondered who the fuck is that guy. He seems happy go lucky, full of hope and promise. An optimist dare I say. Certainly not Bitter. Worst of all someone I loathe - a whore spreading his legs for all the world to see. Look at me! Look at me! See what I'm doing! See how hard I'm trying! See me! Love me! Blah fucking blah.

Not cool. It dawned on me - I'm not cool. Tough to take. I'm not sure I've ever been cool, but I know I've tried to be cool. I'm giving it up. I don't want to be anything but Authentic. Does that make me cool? At times I know I've thought I was. I have a great picture of me from my New York City days. Dressed in black, a wee splash of color, strategically placed lower lip hair. You know the prick? The cool prick. I was a man about town. A would be ladies man. I was an artist!

Last night I watched three artist talk of their art, their craft. Watching "It Might Get Loud" and it came to me - I'm giving up ever attempting to be cool. Jack White is cool. A creative genius. And cool. Sure he works at being cool, the shite he does just doesn't come natural I'm convinced. It's just not worth it. I'm not giving up living, just trying to get anyone to think anything about me. I'm striving to be Authentic. Fuck cool, it's not worth my effort. Does that make me cool?????????????

It may shock some people who know me. "You tried to be cool?" Yes I have. That practiced indifference. Seen it, know it, done it. Let me talk about my art, keeps me from being a craftsman. Let me be cool, keeps you at arms length. Cool kept me from being Authentic. Cool kept my focus on others, not on what matters to me. Right now what matters to me is being true to myself. And clearly what matters to me right now is sharing with you, my screaming stark raving mad fans. Legs they be spread.

I woke this morning feeling very uncool, very unloved, desperate for a hit of an old tonic. I could go on, but whining is not what I want to do. Ever. Nor do I want to blame someone else for my heartache. So I thought I'd come write about how uncool I was to make myself feel better - and I wonder why I'm fucking bitter? Full disclosure, I didn't even come to write about how uncool I am, I came out to see if my tonic would be around to see me. Fucking uncool, but true.

I want to go up to the fellow smoking on the sidewalk beside me and punch him. For no reason other than I feel raw. Exposed. Alone. Fuck am I whining? It sounded like it. I suppose I'll stop then. Move forward with my day. Part of me wants to write about how much it's going to suck and part of me wants to share beautiful heartfelt intentions. I'll split the difference, I'm going to be Authentic. That's all I can ever hope for, true to myself in each moment.

Here's to great moments. Tragically uncool, wonder-filled Authentic moments.

Love, Light and Laughs,
BS

My Loyal Masses -

I'm not sure if any of you care, I'm not sure who you are. And I like that. Perhaps this is a report to me from me. It streamlines the meetings anyway. Only the arguments of the idiots to slow me down.

Can't believe the energy I'm waking with each morning with these new choices. Yes I am only on day five, but what a difference five days makes. I'm a little nervous about this weekend - A little smoke won't kill you - Ah that's the voice that worries me. Because he's right, it won't kill me, but it will kill my Spirit. That's what I am nurturing right now, my spirit, my zest for life. Things I've tried to dampen in the past. No more.

Tis a grand morning. Lots of scenery here at my away game writing spot. Now that I'm working on new writing projects, I'm not sure what to do with my blog. I'm not too worried, again this could be just a letter to me. Okay I know there's a few of you out there who read this from time to time. Hello there!

I met with a writing coach, my writing coach, last night. First time for everything. My project(s) have come in to such clarity. Loving discipline! That's it, that's all it's going to take to give myself the life I want to live. I am giving it to myself. Sure I've got a mountain of debt; I'm an addict; I'm in love with a woman who drives me crazy and at last check wants to be my buddy; But I am loving life today, in this moment. I just looked up and the fellow on the table in front of me has a book titled "The Magic of Believing". I believe brother, I believe.

I mean come on, what's not to be filled with gratitude for? A little bee just zoomed by me, I've got The Pogues filling my ears, a little dance in my step, it's sunny and 70. I have a great life and it's only getting better.

Has Bitter Spiritualist turned into one of these annoying blogs? Or was I already? Hey I'm not smoking and off the dope, so give me a break. I have some extra energy. Instead of putting it toward editing and discerning what is appropriate for my bitter baby, I'm just putting it out there. At least I'm not bitching about how bad my life is - or would that be more palatable than how grand my life is? Hmmmmmm.......I find the grand life guy more annoying.

Okay I'm off to do some work.

Love, Light and Laughs
BS

Feeling Groovy.....

Great waking up this morning with no cloud over my mind or my chest. Feeling good, my energy is coming back.

I've not killed anyone, so that's a positive. Well I may have killed someone, but I committed to sharing with you if I smoked, not if I murdered.

The little birds have been chirping away in my ear - the voices of doubt - and I hear them, but I can do this. I know I can. Loving Discipline. It feels good.

Just thought I'd check in with you, my loyal masses. I'm off to Orange County - see you quit drugs and smoking and magical adventures await you.......

Love, Light and Laughs
BS

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” ~ Lao Tzu

Greetings! A Joyous 2010 to you all.

Funny how time slips by when I am avoiding things. It's been five days since the new year, but only two days since my new year started. I'd given myself the weekend to continue to make old choices, yesterday was the beginning of the Bitter Spiritualist's New Year. My journey, my re-birth, from being a bitter angry lonely man to a happy loving guy.

Today was supposed to be the start of a new journey with the good people over at Souldiving. Lady Serendipity stepped in and they had to skip our first deadline. In the past this would have been a great opportunity for me to feel unloved and justified. And in the past that justification would have been to get high, smoke some cigarettes, and block out feelings. Today is a new day, for today is about me and my journey, my journey home to happiness, to God. I was (am?) in love with that little bee, and thought if only I could get her I'd be happy. I love Honeybee and Souldiving, but they certainly can't make me happy, only I can, with the help of God.

That's who our first posting was to be about, God. The title - "Who is God?" And I realized that I'm not sure, or more correctly, I am one hundred percent sure, I'm just not ready to share that yet. Because to share my thoughts on God, I have to share my thoughts on myself. And I'm working on that, piece by beautiful piece. Uncovering parts of me and bringing them to the light. My ego is in overdrive, wanting me to quit, wanting me to take a different path, but I'm still here and it is my intention to continue this brilliant journey.

So rather than trying to come up with some witty clever answer to the question "Who is God?", I am going to go deeper in my journey to understanding god, go deeper in my understanding of myself and commit fully to my journey to happiness. Every great journey starts with the first step, and my first step is becoming more open to God and my process. The new 2010 first step is living a drug-free, smoke-free life. At the least until I graduate from Wizard School!

For too long I have kept God and my fellow beings of light (that's you guys) at bay. So I am cutting out the smoke screen, I need it no more. Monday, January 4, 2010, was the first day of my drug-free, smoke-free path until graduation. After that day in August, I will reassess my situation and make choices from there.

The reality is that I have been unhappy, unhappy and hiding out from God. And the one constant, the one thing that would make that misery palatable was the smoke screen. If I did the right drug I could numb some part of me, I could tune out the messages from God. Something rippling my emotional pond? - I'll have a cigarette to squash that down. Feeling alone, insecure, unlovable? - there's a drug to mask those aches. I am ready to pull off the mask and heal the hurts. I am ready to face what comes my way, I have the strength and I have the team.

Of course day one's start was no accident. I spent the morning with a great friend, a friend I admire and respect enormously, who just happens to be coming up on 10 years of sobriety. He presented me with step one of the twelve steps, something I'd never looked at, and something I'm not committing to. I don't know how this is going to look, remember everything here at BS is an experiment, and this is no exception. I've not committed to sobreity, only to a smoke-free, drug-free experiment.

I am keeping myself honest by checking in with you all, my loving loyal fans. This is my happiness project, not my sobriety project. This is but one step, albeit an important one, in my journey toward becoming happy.

I am excited and a wee frightened about this journey, but I am going to do my best and in doing my best I will be giving myself something to be happy about. If I fall from this path, I will share it with you. THIS I GUARANTEE! I am done shaming myself and my choices. I am coming out of the shadows and into the light.

I hope this year is filled with wonder and joy for you, and for me.

Love, Light and Laughs,
BS

Naughty & Nice

The old adage that Santa is watching us to see if we are naughty or nice has been coming up for me today as I fill with gratitude for all I was given this Christmas. My inner Santa was quite surprised with all that I received. I thought I was naughty this year. Turns out I was really nice.

Well far be it for me to argue with the fat feller from the north, so I am taking it as a sign that I have been nice. Nice to my fellow man, and really starting to be nice to myself. Part of being nice to myself is acknowledging and owning that I am doing the very best I can in each moment. Sure I have times when I am hard on myself still, but they are becoming less and less. It's doing the things I want to do. When I don't, I don't. I don't have to sit around berating myself for not doing them, I just have to feel how it feels and make new choices. I'm letting go of that old story. I am making strides each day to be gentle with myself, to be nice to myself. In turn I find that I am nicer to those around me. That truly brings me Joy - Joy To The World.

Naughty. Nice. They are both judgments really. How do I feel? How do I feel, that is the question I am asking myself. How do I feel in each moment, about the choices I make. Choices made fresh and new, and being aware of those choices. Conscious choices! They feel so much better than making choices unconsciously, reacting to old hurts, making choices out of habit, choices that help keep my story alive, choices that don't serve my highest good. That doesn't feel so great, so when I ask myself how I feel, I know. Take that feedback in and make new choices.

I do hope that Santa or Papa Hanukkah or Puff 'n Fresh, whoever you celebrate this time of year was good to you. We are all doing the best we can in each moment. Celebrate that! Let go of your story. You know the one, the many, the "reasons" you make choices that don't make you feel GREAT. I know I sure do.

I look forward to 2010. It's the year I turn from Bitter to Happy. Yes Bitter to Sweet sounds much better, but sweet just doesn't resonate as a goal for me. I am walking my walking more and more each day, and 2010 is the next step on my journey.

I'll be checking in this week, gearing up for the New Year, but wanted to say hello tonight from my hometown. Writing in the room I grew up in. A room and a house full of old stories that I am letting go of so I can live a beautiful rich full life in each new moment. The past is exactly where it is suppose to be, in the past. The future, yup, right where it is suppose to be, in the future. Tonight I feel alive. A little sore from my late night fall in the back yard - ouch - I did save the sandwich and most of the milkshake, but my knee and hip took the brunt of the fall. It was a good sandwich.

Love, Light and Laughs to you all,
BS

Greetings from North Pole

So I'm not that far North, but it's cold and there's ten inches of snow on the ground here in my hometown. The BS offices have been shut down. The staff is of course being paid during the Holiday break - thanks in large part to the great State of California.


While away from the home office, I am racking my brain to come up with my own "Julie & Julia" idea for the coming year. That blog has been put in brought to my attention time and time again over the past few months. Bitter Spiritualist needs some kind of hook to keep readers coming back, something for me to focus on. I am a huge fan of cooking shows, but I'm not going to pinch her great idea. I need my own. Something to report back to you about. I've a few ideas percolating and will be announcing what I will be doing in the weeks to come.

What I do know that 2010 is going to be a great year. Also it will be just about nine months from January 1 until I graduate from Wizard School. Nine months. Yes a rebirth time for BS. So that's a good foundation to start with. Now don't you worry, I'm not going to become a Born Again, not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's definitely not for me.

Your thoughts/ideas/direction, your feedback, is not only welcome, it's encouraged. I'd appreciate the input, it makes my job so much easier.

One thing that will be happening in 2010 is our collaboration with the folks over at Soul Diving. I'm excited about it, the brief break was needed to get some clarity on that part of the BS experiment. The details haven't been worked out as of yet, but Honeybee and her gang of lovey doveys are committed, as are we at BS. It should make for a fun time and, hopefully, a great read.

I'm off soon to say hello to my nieces and decorate some cookies. Just like Julia would do, but not as fancy, or as French.

Love, Light and Laughs,
BS